Trying to avoid another meltdown

[COLB]

I appreciate all the support you have all given me.  I'm back to the well for thoughts on heading off a meltdown with my BPDw. 
Background:. I took my first short trip for business in over a year.  My BPDw was melting down/blowing up every time I traveled even if I left and was home by dinner.  I could not avoid this trip.  I was gone for a day and a half.  I got the near hysterical call while I was passing through security to come home today. My BPDw started in about how I was failing as a parent. I calmy walked through her issues which came down to two things.  I did not feel that a trip she wanted to take was good to do.  My 17 year old continued his missing curfew by 10 to 20 minutes. I said I would talk to him when I get back.  She said that "he needed his transportation taken away".  I asked if that was her reccomdation.  She then began to disparage my parenting and saying that I cut her out of decisions regarding him.  I agreed that I had not given her every detail of our conversations but had given her what the important points and outcomes were.  She then said that she was at her wits end with him because she "can't control him".  I asked her what she really wanted.  She said becoming more upset that she wanted a loving family and a deep relationship with me.  I told her that a realtionship started with respect and that our son did not respect us and we needed to rebuild that.  She then started trying to use FOG on me.  I told her that I was not going to argue with her but if she wants these things she needs to focus on rebuilding trust that has been damaged.  She then went on a 11 minute tirade on how she had given everything to her family and that she was focusing on herself.  When she was spent I acknowledged her need for support and feeling fulfilled.  She then said she had to go and take our two youngest children to lunch.   
Question: How do I approach her about the lasting damage her hateful words have had on her relationships?  When I have tried to go down this path she deflects and says everyone else apologizes to her (which most have tried).

As I have stated previously I am emotionally spent and have little left to give to her.  But I cannot stand for my older children to have a hole where they have cut off thier mother. Ig

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Red5]

Afternoon COLB,

(COLB writes)… … took my first short trip for business in over a year.  

My BPDw was melting down/blowing up every time I traveled, I could not avoid this trip.  I was gone for a day and a half.  

I got the near hysterical call while I was passing through security to come home today.

*My BPDw started in about how I was failing as a parent.*

I calmly walked through her issues which came down to two things.  

{ My 17 year old }... I said I would talk to him when I get back… I asked if that was her recommendation.  

*She then began to disparage my parenting and saying that I cut her out of decisions regarding him.*

*She then said that she was at her wits end with him because "she can't control him"...

… I could have written this COLB… yeah : (

#Me2… I too travel a bit now and then… no more than two - five days… no more, and I can count the times, that she would come unglued, .. pick a fight, and then send me on my way with the ST active (silent treatment)… no hug, no kiss, just "go away"… "have fun with your friends, your job is more important than your family" she would say… ugh  

It was at that time, we are now separated, it was just her, my autistic son (S32), and me… so I had to trust her to take care of him for a few days… which perplexed me very much, as he had no defense against her behaviors… a very long story…

One time, we were out west (Yuma) doing flight testing, we were preparing the aircraft for a flight, it was about four of five in the morning, cold and dark… she calls me, on my cell (I should have turned it off)… we are in the middle of diagnostics… I see its her, I step out and away from the aircraft, and the running power unit… she says. ""what took you so long to answer me, did I wake you up, well too bad"" (it was three hours diff eastcoast-westcoast)… ""let me tell you what your son did this morning,       blah blah blah""

… and then she hung up on me… ugh ugh ugh >: (

She would, and still does even today… tell me what a terrible father I am how I enable my S32(autistic), whom is about a 6-7 year old developmentally… it makes me angry even now writing this… she is his step mother…

She has zero respect for my billet, my civil service job, "in USMC retirement mode"… the responsibility I have… the load I carry, zero… "did I wake you up, well too bad"… HA! & grrrrr  >: (

She has no friggen clue, still doesn't… but she sure liked the income ; (

About a week before she moved out (seven + months ago), her Son (S31), he is in the Air Force, and he was talking to me very late at night, about the impending separation (long story)… he shared a text from his mother… she txt'ed… "he does not listen to me anymore, he is different now (bpd epiphany?) he does not do what I tell him to do, I cant control him anymore"… yeah, wow >: (

I also spoke with her daughter (D33), her exact words… "welcome to my   childhood"…

Now when I travel, my own two adult children, S29, and D26…  whom live locally help me with their brother… life is much more peaceful since she has been gone… but amazingly, I do miss her… and even tell myself I still love her, and want her to come back home one day… sheeesh ; (

I feel you COLB… you hang in there, and keep posting,

Regards, Red5

[once removed]

it sounds like that ordeal was pretty well handled by you. i wonder how much of it has to do with you being away on a trip?

Question: How do I approach her about the lasting damage her hateful words have had on her relationships?  When I have tried to go down this path she deflects and says everyone else apologizes to her (which most have tried).

are you talking about an ultimatum style intervention kind of thing?