In a crisis, I think we'll get through, but need advice

[triggerer]

First post here, have been reading for a few months.

Married 20+ years. 4 kids, three remain in the home, one of which is almost out the door to college.

She's undiagnosed, but definitely has traits of BPD.  Very high functioning, very capable professionally and at home, though with fairly frequent emotional spirals. Her mother is diagnosed BPD (she's not nearly as bad as her mother). My mother was diagnosed BPD (but of the two children I was always spit white, other sibling often split black).

I've recognized for years that we "cycle".  When it is good it is great.  When it is bad it is horrible.  Right now it is horrible.  I love her dearly and wish more than anything to make this work and get through the current crisis.  The most recent crisis started a few months ago with a misunderstood statement I made that sent her spiraling.  She wouldn't let me clarify, she didn't want to discuss it or work it out, and has since admitted she cut me off and stopped listening once she was mad.  She threatened divorce over this misunderstanding, and that sent me into a very dark place.  She has done this explicitly at least once before, and has implied several times over the years that she was thinking about divorce. (her mother threatened to divorce her father dozens of times over the years, but he endured, tried his best to give the mother a good life, and serves as an example of love and acceptance to me, was like a father to me, and I'm trying to emulate him but not sure I am as strong as he). 

While in this dark place, I'm wondering how something so small could be grounds for divorce.  I can't believe how quickly things can turn to crap.  How can she say such spiteful things. I find that she had been in contact with an ex-boyfriend. Emails, phone calls, texts years ago.  We fought about this guy when we were first married and ultimately agreed (with her fathers mediation) that she wouldn't talk to him again.  The bulk of the most recent emails/calls/texts were from several years ago, with one or two in the last year according to her. (I'm fairly certain there is no ongoing contact). She deleted all the emails, calls and texts (its an online voip service) except one call that I was able to find.  She had multiple phone numbers of his listed under fake contact names that would not raise red flags if I saw them.  I was shocked to find this communication was happening and felt betrayed. (He's married, has kids, and appears very happy).

She claims they are just friends.  They started out just discussing another mutual friend that was in crisis, then also spent some time catching up on each other's lives.  Nothing "happened" according to her.  They weren't rekindling anything.  She hid it because she knew I would go crazy if I knew about it.  Well, I haven't gone crazy, even though it happened and she was secretive and deceptive.  I prepared myself for the worst, yes, and was willing to accept/forgive or whatever was needed to grow our relationship to a place where we no longer kept secrets from each other.  But I accept her explanation, that nothing happened, and do not consider this a worst case scenario, and am willing to forgive her deception and still move to improve our relationship.

Now, she feels very betrayed that I distrusted her at all.  She thinks I am judging her and always wanting to dig to find out more.  And, I understand how she feels and why.  But I also feel that I would like her to answer my questions on this.  I'm not sure what HIS intentions were.  I don't know if he also hid this from his wife.  In the end I'm not sure if I'll get the answers to any of my questions.  I don't really think the answers would change how I move forward with her, but not getting answers means I will always have those questions even if they are just in my mind. She feels that, and feels like she always has to be on the defensive.  While she is on the defensive it makes it almost impossible to have any meaningful conversations to move us forward.  Any discussion that touches on the ex-boyfriend quickly spikes the emotional outbursts. She has often been sleeping in the spare bedroom.  I just want to find a path that leads us back to some sort of baseline and acceptance/forgiveness so we can move forward. She keeps freezing up or blowing up when we discuss anything.  I don't know how to move things forward.

For now, as of right now, I have decided to back-off. I won't initiate discussions on this any longer. I'll give her time and space.  I still hope for a time when we can discuss things like adults, but I'm not optimistic it will happen.

I'm still new to the BPD thing. The light-bulb didn't come on for me until our misunderstanding crisis started a few months ago.  I have been working on validating and not making things worse, but we keep cycling, and now new cycles keep starting before the old ones have passed.

I'll sign off for now, looking for advice.  I want this to work.

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[once removed]

hi triggerer, and

im sorry to hear things are tough right now.

The most recent crisis started a few months ago with a misunderstood statement I made that sent her spiraling

what was the misunderstanding? what happened? it may give important context for whats going on right now. in any event, breaking it down will help.

For now, as of right now, I have decided to back-off. I won't initiate discussions on this any longer. I'll give her time and space.  I still hope for a time when we can discuss things like adults, but I'm not optimistic it will happen.

i think youre probably wise to take a break from it, for now. its unfortunate that she shuts it down, but pushing for resolution is unlikely to help. what has happened when it has come up?

[Forgiveness]

She had multiple phone numbers of his listed under fake contact names
...

Now, she feels very betrayed that I distrusted her at all. 

I want to put those two sentences together for clarity.

If someone makes a huge effort to hide something from their spouse, then the logical result is that the spouse will become suspicious. At this point, you don't know what else she is hiding. You don't know what to believe or not to believe.

I don't have any advice, just wanted to validate your feelings. My heart goes out to you.

[triggerer]

hi triggerer, and

im sorry to hear things are tough right now.

what was the misunderstanding? what happened? it may give important context for whats going on right now. in any event, breaking it down will help.

i think youre probably wise to take a break from it, for now. its unfortunate that she shuts it down, but pushing for resolution is unlikely to help. what has happened when it has come up?

Thanks,

The misunderstanding: I don't want to give too many details.  Basically, we own a business which we both work at long hours.  I also have another job that I consider my primary job.  She took something I said to mean that I was going to pull back from our business, and my other job was more important.  I really said, I'm working long hours, things are currently ok, but we need to monitor fatigue/stress etc... and if necessary be willing to adjust so that I don't put my primary job in jeopardy (sometime, in the future, maybe).

The other thing: When it comes up she seriously goes ballistic. Can't believe I would doubt her. She would never do anything. But I'm just asking what's going on, not really accusing. She gets seriously emotionally out of control and cries and yells and slams doors and says she doesn't know how the relationship will work if I don't trust her. It could have been innocent or it could have been more, either way it is a violation of my trust, but I'm here ready to forgive and move forward either way. But it seems it is now an off limits topic and I may never truly know and will be moving forward regardless. 

[once removed]

She took something I said to mean that I was going to pull back from our business, and my other job was more important.  I really said, I'm working long hours, things are currently ok, but we need to monitor fatigue/stress etc... and if necessary be willing to adjust so that I don't put my primary job in jeopardy

from her perspective, what is the difference?

people with bpd traits have inherent trust issues. if you want to heal the rift, its very important to be able to put yourself in her shoes, and see it as she did. odds are, when she heard this, alarm bells went off.

did the contact with the ex resume after this?

[triggerer]

did the contact with the ex resume after this?

No, as far as I know the contact with the ex was several years ago, and then possible infrequent contact since. She sees nothing wrong with how she hid it from me, refuses to apologize. Still a very touchy subject and I'm sure she's not telling me everything.  But I'm not pushing.  I can forgive even if there is no remorse.  I just hope she sees it from my perspective at some point. 

Generally things are getting better, one day at a time. Trying to not step on any landmines in the meantime and hoping for better discussions when things cool down.

[guitarguy09]

Hi Triggerer,

So sorry to hear that. It must be hard to know she had been keeping something like that from you. It's frustrating, though not surprising that she turns around and blames it on you for not respecting her privacy. After all, if you saw something was up and investigated further that's not your fault.

My uBPDw I found out has been texting/messaging with random guys on dating apps and messengers. One in particular has been something like cyber s e x. I was appalled at that and I texted her one day about it from work. We chatted about it and she did apologize to me, and I did look and she got rid of the apps but I would say your case would be even a little more hurtful due to how she knew the ex.

The plus side of how I approached her was that I was not condemning, I said I was disappointed in her for messaging guys and only brought up the explicit stuff when she said it was just talking. She knows it was wrong and I think if I had yelled at her it might have ended up badly.

I hope she comes around for you and quits blaming you.

[once removed]

Generally things are getting better, one day at a time

this is good to hear. any update?