lucidone
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 60
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« on: July 23, 2019, 09:47:17 PM » |
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My relationship with someone who I'm also certain had borderline personality disorder recently ended. I've been with someone for over 5 years that was clinically diagnosed with BPD, and most of the behavioural patterns are the same. People that I've talked to also think that she has it. I was hoping to find some closure and advice.
Most of the time we got along great. We were both introverted so we more or less had the same energy levels, enjoyed doing a lot of the same things, and enjoyed spending our time together. She was also young, in good shape, and frankly, liked sex, and I thought things were nearly perfect. However in between these blocks of time where everything was great, something would 'trigger' her, and she would get into these moods that I would describe as 'quiet hostility', where she would be distant, not interested in communicating, with irrational reasoning and behavior, and especially prone to becoming more upset. She basically turned into a completely different person.
It was almost like clockwork. Everything would be fantastic, but every 2 - 4 weeks she'd just become triggered. At the time I usually had no idea why it happened. It was sudden and inexplicable. In time I seemed to notice that at least some of the things that trigger her are perceived rejection or criticism.
For example, one time I made plans with her to sit around the house together essentially, but I forgot that I had made plans weeks ago to play some board games with people. I asked if she wanted to go play for a little bit, and then come back to my place to do what we originally planned to do. She said that she didn't want to, but I could go if I wanted. I said that doing something with her was more important. She insisted that I go because I'll be upset all night. I said it was fine (and I wasn't upset). Fast forward 2 hours later, she came over 'triggered' and things escalated between us over the next couple days until we broke up. I eventually found out this happened because I didn't apologize for asking if she'd like to go make an appearance at this board game meet up, which seems unreasonable. It was just a question. I'm pretty sure it was because she imagined that I was mad, and that she perceived rejection or abandonment.
It was impossible to get her to bring up what the original problem was that triggered her. If I ever found out it was always after all the damage has been done and it was too late. Instead she expected me to know what the problem was, and expected me to somehow fix it. Meanwhile most of the time I was confused and in disbelief as to what was going on.
She would start making unrealistic demands, like demanding I apologize for merely asking if she wanted to go play some games (as above), or apologize for something that I've done many times prior that we'd both be comfortable with (e.g., like playfully telling her that she should come over to fool around).
She would be insanely sensitive, where anything that could perceived as an insult was perceived that way, whether it actually was or not. Sometimes it got to the point where any kind of less than positive intonation in my voice would set her off.
But at the same time she would be entirely insensitive. There's been times where she's spent hours of time sending me text messages of how I perceivably wronged her, and about my faults and mistakes, with no hesitation or remorse. It shocked me how how thorough and vicious it could be.
She could never let anything go. These 'offences' that set her off in the past would come up again in time, and she never truly forgiven me or changed her mind on what happened.
There was a sense of entitlement with her. She stated that she ‘deserved’ this or that, such as she deserved someone that would treat her how ‘she needs to be treated’, no matter how bad she acted.
She never seemed to be remorseful for what she did, and she's only apologized on two occasions; one of them I forced her to do it after we broke up is she wanted to talk about what happened. It was never her fault, and it was always mine. Whatever she did was entirely justified according to her.
She also wanted unconditional love. She told me that when she’s upset it would be good to give her a hug. So otherwise if she was mad at me I should give her a hug, which granted might make her feel better, but its positive reinforcement for her being mad and basically saying that its ok for her to treat me anyway that she wanted to.
And at the same time, at least when she was in one of these moods, my opinions, desires, and feelings were irrelevant.
It seemed like she was always able to drop the relationship easily, with no displayed emotion, no matter how much I appealed. And it was usually absolute, such as demanding that I never contact her again. Then I'd find out that she was on a dating website a couple days later.
But then she would find ways to contact me, or show up at my house, within a wide range of times after the incident. This occurred even when I asked her to leave me alone to help get over the relationship. Usually we'd start talking again, and it was only at THAT point we'd be able to have a somewhat constructive conversation (if it was talked about at all).
However the most recent incident seems like it truly is over now. Its been over a week this time around and she hasn't tried to contact me. But my roommate thinks that she drove by a couple times, but wasn't absolutely sure.
I've considered typing out what happened, but it's a long story. She basically became triggered, started demanding that I apologize for something, which I didn't understand why, she didn't want to talk about it, and hung up on me a few times over the course of a few days when I tried to talk to her about it. It was awkward and uneasy during that time, but she kept trying to make contact with me, and subtly gave us opportunities to reconcile. I was tired of being treated unfairly, tired of her walking all over me, tired of the lack of communication, tired of the sudden and extreme mood swings, and it happening over and over. It eventually came to her wanting to get her things from my place, which I gave her, except for this robe that I bought her for Christmas. I ended up giving it away, as well as the Christmas present she gave me. She was upset, and demanded that I compensate her. I refused though.
The next day I felt bad, apologized, and told her that I'd try to get the robe back. I phoned her, in which she was angry the entire call, was entirely insensitive, and said that she just wants the robe back and never wants to talk to me again. It felt so bad, that I never got the stupid robe back, and decided to try to cut off contact with her. She came to my house a couple days later, banging on the door, ringing the doorbell excessively, trying to force her way in, and so I eventually answered the door. Again she wanted the robe or compensation, and I told her there was nothing there for her. I asked her to leave. She sat outside the house on her phone for the next 30 minutes. I ended up going to sleep, and when I woke up the next morning and went to my car, and it was keyed.
At this point the police are involved. I've tried to get her to admit that she keyed my car, but haven't been successful. We texted a couple times, and I was pretty polite and civil, but she was still insanely mad. Told me that she wishes that she never met me and that she wants me completely out of her life.
We were together for a year, and it's been pretty traumatic for me. I allowed her back in my life in the past because I thought that some how she'd get better, and granted it has to an extent, at least her expressed anger. Maybe she was trying extra hard to hold it in.
It's so frustrating because I love her, and she's stated that she loved me, but the smallest things would set her, and she would say some horrible things and treat me with complete disrespect. But when it wasn't like this everything was great. I feel so cheated.
Honestly I'm not sure what I'm suppose to do now, or how I'm suppose to feel. Part of me wants us to sit down and talk, and work it out. Part of me wants her to realize that she has a condition, and how unfairly she has treated me. I've treated her so good. It even got to the point where I was writing these things down so I could compare what she did for/to me, and what I've done for her, so I can prove to both of us how hard I tried.
Is it truly over? If I shoot her a casual text message in a month will she be receptive? Will she ever want to talk to me again? I'm assuming in a month that she would have moved on to someone else at that point, and doing this all over again with someone else.
What can I do to cope with this?
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