Her Day

[Depression = 72% of members]

Later on this month is my mother's (uBPD) birthday. Every year it comes close, and I struggle with remembering the date. I know it's one of three days, and I always look it up (thank you social media) to make sure I don't forget. But even when I look it up I always think "Really? It's not -the day before- or -the day after-?"
This year, after years of trying, I have learned little mnemonics to remember her birth date. I know I have it right, but it doesn't feel right. I half-joke many years that I could swear her birthday moves every year.

I assume my memory block is a result of how she acted about days that weren't about her. Growing up, any day that wasn't about her: Father's Day, Dad's/Brother's/My Birthdays, Thanksgiving and Christmas sometimes, she would pick fights on, or try to ruin in some way. Pick fights, override birthday dinner choices for things she knew I hated, etc.

I guess I'm sharing because it has been on my mind in the last few days. The start of my bi-annual process of gearing my brain up to engage and act like everything is fine while I talk to her, as I know if I don't engage with her, she will block my access to Dad (One year I called her three times on Mother's Day, left three voicemails, and she made my Dad tell my brother and I not to call on Father's Day as she was pissed no one called her on Mother's Day). I hate making this call, and never look forward to it, and I have spent over a decade pushing through this mental block, this aversion to calling. I get that this is the O in FOG (maybe the G sometimes too), but for me it feels like a terrible calculation: If I buck up and deal with her, I might get to talk to Dad later - which is messed up but better than nothing.

I bring it up here because it is something people in my regular life just do not understand, and I guess I want to share with people who might understand.  Do any of you have similar experiences/mental blocks?

[RavenWatcher]

Later on this month is my mother's (uBPD) birthday. Every year it comes close, and I struggle with remembering the date. I know it's one of three days, and I always look it up (thank you social media) to make sure I don't forget. But even when I look it up I always think "Really? It's not -the day before- or -the day after-?"
This year, after years of trying, I have learned little mnemonics to remember her birth date. I know I have it right, but it doesn't feel right. I half-joke many years that I could swear her birthday moves every year.

I assume my memory block is a result of how she acted about days that weren't about her. Growing up, any day that wasn't about her: Father's Day, Dad's/Brother's/My Birthdays, Thanksgiving and Christmas sometimes, she would pick fights on, or try to ruin in some way. Pick fights, override birthday dinner choices for things she knew I hated, etc.

I guess I'm sharing because it has been on my mind in the last few days. The start of my bi-annual process of gearing my brain up to engage and act like everything is fine while I talk to her, as I know if I don't engage with her, she will block my access to Dad (One year I called her three times on Mother's Day, left three voicemails, and she made my Dad tell my brother and I not to call on Father's Day as she was pissed no one called her on Mother's Day). I hate making this call, and never look forward to it, and I have spent over a decade pushing through this mental block, this aversion to calling. I get that this is the O in FOG (maybe the G sometimes too), but for me it feels like a terrible calculation: If I buck up and deal with her, I might get to talk to Dad later - which is messed up but better than nothing.

I bring it up here because it is something people in my regular life just do not understand, and I guess I want to share with people who might understand.  Do any of you have similar experiences/mental blocks?

[Notwendy]

If I buck up and deal with her, I might get to talk to Dad later - which is messed up but better than nothing.


That's how it was for me. My mother completely controlled my father and my relationship with him. If I didn't toe the line and comply with what she wants, she'd get dad involved.

Dad passed away a while back, remained enmeshed. It was just the way things were in my family.

[RavenWatcher]

Thanks for chiming in, notwendy.

I keep writing and re-writing an update here, and just not sure what to say. Not sure if this should spring off into it's own thread here.

 Last night my brother had another depressive episode, only when he was alone and all his contacts were out of town. Cut off contact for 12 hours. He's been having more episodes, and worse ones, since he renewed contact with our parents in June. And I don't know if he can see the correlation, and now isn't the time to bring it up.

Tomorrow he visits our Dad's brother. It'll be the first time either of us nephews have seen our Uncle in decades. We always thought our Uncle was just distant, like all of our Dad's family, until my brother learned in June that no, our Dad's family thought it was Dad and all of us who cut them off. Forehead slap, of course our uBPD mother cut off contact from that side of the family as part of her isolation tactics.

So on one hand, I think this could be a great step for our family growing stronger in support of my Dad in the hopes of getting him out someday when he is ready, but my brother's emotional state is such a giant question mark right now.

It's amazing, and terrible, how the more you try and unravel all the repercussions of a BPD person's actions on the family, the more and more tangled the web seems to get. We will get through it, but right now, today, I am tired.

[madeline7]

My situation was and is a lot like Not Wendy's. You had to go thru my uBPDm to get to Dad. He remained her enabler to the end and has been gone almost 4 years. Things have changed some now due to his passing, but not with Mom. She remains manipulative and divisive, although what has changed is the freedom  for me to draw boundaries now that Dad is gone. It is very sad, many times my own Mother has said she should have gone first. How do you reply to that? She is miserable, does not cherish being elderly and physically healthy, does not see the joy in having great grandchildren. She is the same as she ever was, like those David Byrne lyrics, if you know the song.

[Turkish]

Thanks for chiming in, notwendy.

I keep writing and re-writing an update here, and just not sure what to say. Not sure if this should spring off into it's own thread here.

Tomorrow he visits our Dad's brother. It'll be the first time either of us nephews have seen our Uncle in decades. We always thought our Uncle was just distant, like all of our Dad's family, until my brother learned in June that no, our Dad's family thought it was Dad and all of us who cut them off. Forehead slap, of course our uBPD mother cut off contact from that side of the family as part of her isolation tactics.

That would really piss me off! How tragic that so much time was lost.

[RavenWatcher]

Interestingly, I've never gotten mad about it. I have recently learned my grandfather wasn't as distant as I had always assumed and did want contact with our family during his last few years, but Mom convinced us he didn't care. It's a little tragic.

Thankfully, meeting with uncle went well this weekend. My brother did feel a strong need to try to contact our Dad yesterday and it actually went well. He briefly talked to Dad alone and tried to plant seeds of 'Mom has bpd' and 'her abuse is not normal or okay'. Baby steps.