I am convinced you cannot live with a BPD and be mentally healthy - I need help

[Just AnotherUser]

I have a sibling that swings back and forth between moods constantly. The freakouts are absolutely RUTHLESS.

There are times where I say "Is it you? Maybe it is you causing the trouble, could it be?".

I seem boring and moody because I am not terribly responsive in conversations, why? Because I am always blamed.

If this sibling wanted to go out and try a new job but it went poorly - EVERYONE has to suffer.

If we split a meal and I hear "I'll pay you back", I am that crucified with "You have more money than me. You don't need MY money. You should be paying for my meal!".

This person is a downright BULLY. The convincing they do to others when telling them that I am the bully is just mindblowing.

Imagine living in a home where you have a constant feeling of pressure on you. You can't play guitar - That could annoy them! Don't you dare use the bathroom that they use - you'll hear intentional yelling at 2 AM to wake you! Don't make money than them - you're too privileged, but if you make less than them - you're using THEM FOR MONEY!


I just don't get how this person can't see it. I just don't. Everyone is TERRIFIED of this sibling, they shake when the sibling asks for help because we know we will be verbally beaten for hours on end if we PLEASE READ something up.

I can't do it anymore, I really can't. I am always the scapegoat. I just want to do my own thing and be left alone, yet it cannot be that way. I used to live with just one other person (Who was no the person with BPD) and arguments were far and few between, but this sibling is torturous. Every day is a fight. I can't open my mouth with being cursed off and screamed at. I just don't know what to do.

The final thing I will say is this - ZERO SELF AWARENESS.

How can a person walk through the house at 4 AM yelling on the cellphone with no regard for others? If you say "Come on! It's 4 am!", you'll hear a "Oh, will you just Shut the ____ up?". We are stuck with this sibling because they cannot live on their own and no one has the spine to just cast them out.

I am beginning to despise this person. This is not a love hate. It's not some "That's family!" nonsense. This is going to hurt my mental welfare. I am in fear at every second. This person ALWAYS blames me. If they freak out and apologize it's to every single one involved BUT myself.

[Turkish]

This person ALWAYS blames me. If they freak out and apologize it's to every single one involved BUT myself.

Because you're the only one who stands up to him, do you think, because everyone else is scared and enables?

[Methuen]

Hi JustAnotherUser

I am a newbie to this site too, and have zero expertise, but can say that finding this site a week ago has already made a huge difference for me.  There are so many amazing resources on here, I am both amazed and thankful.  Before finding this site, I didn't even know BPD was a "thing", much less that any one else shared my experience.  I have a couple of thoughts, but I don't know if they will help you or not.
1) If you can, find a counsellor that you "click" with.  If the first one isn't for you, try another until you find one that works for you.  I have got a lot of information from my counsellor, as well as support, and strategies.  If that's not an option for you, maybe a local community support group for families of people with mental health issues, as an additional support to this website?
2) Read every resource and tool on this site that you can.  The site is really enlightening me, and giving me the confidence to feel I can muddle my way through my relationship with my uBPD mom, and still actually maybe have hope for happiness.  I'm just sponging up information, which helps me feel like I'm moving forward, and not "stuck" in a hopeless situation anymore.
3) Might one possibility be temporarily staying somewhere else?  Give yourself a break?  If this is a possibility, my understanding is the key is to do so with compassion, because as much as you are suffering, they are suffering the same or more.  PBD is complicated and tortures them as well (even if it's not visible to you). Make it about you needing a break, not about their problems... (someone else have any thoughts?) Check out the resources here for "SET".
4) As impossible as it seems right now, try not to react emotionally to the words/behavior because I think that just cycles and feeds their disorder (somebody can correct me if that is wrong).  Not to mention, it ensnares you with conflict and anger.  pwBPD can't change, so we have to be the ones to do the changing.  As unfair as that may seem, it's what apparently works.  Again, the resources on this site are amazing.  I am so grateful.
   Wishing you peace and freedom from the conflict and craziness.  We can do it!
  
  

[Turkish]

Great welcome Methuen

SET can be found here: https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict

There's a link to the discussion at the end "Read More."

This is a good, top level tool which can help reduce conflict. Even so, you have a right to be angry.