Facing choices

[Woolspinner2000]

I've had a lot of sad days lately, those days of grief from the ending of our 35 year marriage. Like Peaceandhealing mentioned in her thread, the grief comes and goes. I have had some really good days too though, those free from drama for the first time ever in my life. It's really strange to realize that when I say "for the first time in my life," it is literally true. When you grow up with an uBPDm and then step into a dysfunctional marriage, there never was drama free in my life.

I've had a lot of headaches and almost disorientation as I try to get my legs under me in this new phase of my life. We haven't filed the paperwork yet for finalizing things, but I think it isn't far away.   My T tells me that what I'm going through isn't unusual. I'm just hanging on as best I can, trying to get good sleep, taking walks in the park, not being afraid to sit with myself and experience my emotions, reaching out to my support people as I need to. What a change from when I first arrived on this site! I've been able to cut back on my T because I am doing so much better overall. Getting away from the abuse has started to show me how much abuse was actually there because now I can think and work through those emotions. There's so much to unpack inside us as we heal and detach.

For those of you who know my story, DH has finally finished his building and has rented it out. There's money starting to come in, and three or four times he's told me he will have money to contribute to home funds now, after a 2 year time of withholding all his work money. So I am faced with a dilemma, one which I hadn't thought about before, but here it is. Even though he has debt to pay off, at some point he will start putting money into our joint account from this rental. The money is indirectly connected to his partner who was convicted this summer of 2 felonies. I question if I can in good conscious accept money that has come at such a cost to our relationship. His choice to invest with this fellow 3 years ago was the final blow to our relationship. I fear if any money comes in and is used to pay joint expenses that he will get a mixed message from me. One of the reasons I left was over this situation, so I fear that to accept money from it sends a message that I am okay with it after all, and I'm not. I also am facing the reality that by saying I can't accept it truly will be the end of any possible hope. I think I'm just delaying the inevitable.

Wools

[zachira]

Good to hear from you. I was wondering how you are doing. When you talk about feeling really sad some of the time, it makes me think of how hard I would work during the semester while in college and then I would get really sick during the break because that is when I could afford to get sick. Perhaps facing the deepest pain and distress while you were still surviving in the marriage was not possible because you had to make keeping yourself safe a priority.
Perhaps it might be easier to let your lawyer managing your divorce, tell you what makes sense moneywise. I am wondering if you are concerned that some of the money that your DH has made might have been made through less than legal means. Of course, his offering to give you some of the money does not make up for how he disrespected your feelings and put your marriage in jeopardy.
Take care. Know we are here for you. Others will soon chime in.

[Panda39]

Hi Wools  ,

Zachira brings up some good points.  My thought is without worrying about sending mixed messages to your Husband, how do you personally feel  about accepting this money?  For me there might be a moral dilemma about taking money that I think is shady.

Panda39

[Gemsforeyes]

Hi Wools, and welcome back.

I too am an extremely moral person whose high level of integrity has bitten me more than once.

In your situation, perhaps don’t confuse the two issues... your H’s involvement with a now-convicted felon, and a now-finished building that will generate cash flow that could make your daily living easier.

If the building was legally constructed and the rents are from legal sources, accept the funds your H offers (as part of a settlement your L negotiates on your behalf). 

There were things I denied myself following my divorce (like spousal support) because of my exH’s immorality.  That hurt me, and only ME.  Because I stood on ceremony.  The emotional “price” we pay is high enough.  No need to sacrifice more than is already necessary, my friend. 

If the funds are due to you, accept them.  You owe yourself that kindness.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Woolspinner2000]

Thank you for your helpful responses. It's good to hear from you!

Zachira, there's a good point to what you said here:

Perhaps facing the deepest pain and distress while you were still surviving in the marriage was not possible because you had to make keeping yourself safe a priority.

I find that as the relational stress lessens, and I limit my contact, then I do much better overall. Yet at the same time, the new things flood in, and I have other issues to deal with, such as the grief I mentioned and figuring out who I am now. I think you are spot on. I didn't have enough mental capacity to do anything but survive and try to avoid the abuse while I lived in the same house with him.

I'm seeing aspects of me: my character and who I am, emerge that are foreign to me. It's good, surprisingly so. In fact I respond to situations without the tendency to walk on eggshells nearly so much. I'm finding my voice, whatever that is!  My T says it's who I've always been. Really that's quite a startling statement because it is all so new, and I wonder how that can be me because I've never been introduced to this person that I see. Who I am has been buried under trauma for my entire life. Soul shattering really.

You and Panda both brought up the same thing, that I don't know if there is a possibility of 'less then legal' attached to the money. I think it's okay, but it's what it represents that also plays a part.  I do not feel comfortable in taking any money from that building.

That being said, Gemsforeyes, you also bring up a valid point. In fact I spoke with a family member who works in law, and the subject of attaching value to the business and property we own came up, that it's important to place a value on it in order to divide things equally. So I do see that it is important to not devalue myself and my contribution to 35 years of marriage. I know DH would say that the business is his and that I had nothing to do with it, but that's a belief, not a truth or fact. I worked alongside of him in the business for most of our marriage, putting money in with my time and work. It's a good reminder to be aware, and to have legal counsel before finalizing anything.

 
Wools

[zachira]

Wools,
You prepared for this for a long time and seems you left when you were ready to face how painful it would be. Of course, you could not predict exactly what it would be like. Glad that overall you are feeling good most of the time, while having the courage to work through the most painful times. You are so smart to seek legal counsel. So many woman gettting a divorce have decided getting divorced is about not having any ties with their former spouse, including not taking their half of the assets which they are entitled to. I know a woman who did this many years ago, and now she lives in poverty while her ex is quite wealthy. She could have been okay financially if she hadn't signed off on her half of the assets from the marriage. She thought at the time that she was liberating herself completely from any dealings with her ex. When we have long term financial involvement through marriage, a lot of times the financial ties will be life long, and this is just part of being divorced. Can you maybe talk with your lawyer and your therapist about how to be move forward with the fact that you and your husband own property and a business together, and what are all the choices in terms of dividing things up? To really know your choices, you may have to find out more about your husband's finances which is something that has been quite overwhelming for you at times, due to how secretive your DH was about what he was doing with money that belonged to both of you. Thinking of you and hoping for the best.