BPD, pain symptoms, history of lying about medical prpblems

[Depression = 72% of members]

The basics: husband with fairly recent bpd dx. Separated due to his behavior, which involved significant lying and abuse of finances. In couples counseling, DBT and AlAnon for him, CODA for me. Small child is probably the main reason we are still working on this relationship.

My struggle currently: husband is reporting vague pain symptoms that have kept him out of work for the last week. This is so similar to his past lies, I am very suspicious and on full alert. Difference is that he has gone for medical work up. Nothing specific found and he is reporting odd symptoms. His job "gave him the week off to recover," and we just got home from a 2 week vacation so it will be 3 weeks now since he last worked. Having a job was something he also lied about it in the past. He has shown me proof he does have a job now, though.

I know that vague pain disorders are not uncommon in people who have childhood abuse histories, so I am trying hard to give him the benefit of the doubt there. But I am already mentally preparing to hear about how he got fired for something he couldn't control, yada yada yada, life is unfair, how can you not believe me? Part of me just wants to check out if this relationship and file for divorce. I have a lot of potential and he seems so stuck, so much of which he has created for himself. But I have invested so much in this relationship and have seen some small changes from him. I also know my fantasy of just moving on to a new perfect relationship is unhealthy.

Not sure what I need. Just frustrated and tired of this game. I don't know if I can ever fully trust him again and that is so foundational to a marriage.

[LoneRanger307]

The basics: husband with fairly recent bpd dx. Separated due to his behavior, which involved significant lying and abuse of finances. In couples counseling, DBT and AlAnon for him, CODA for me. Small child is probably the main reason we are still working on this relationship.

My struggle currently: husband is reporting vague pain symptoms that have kept him out of work for the last week. This is so similar to his past lies, I am very suspicious and on full alert. Difference is that he has gone for medical work up. Nothing specific found and he is reporting odd symptoms. His job "gave him the week off to recover," and we just got home from a 2 week vacation so it will be 3 weeks now since he last worked. Having a job was something he also lied about it in the past. He has shown me proof he does have a job now, though.

I know that vague pain disorders are not uncommon in people who have childhood abuse histories, so I am trying hard to give him the benefit of the doubt there. But I am already mentally preparing to hear about how he got fired for something he couldn't control, yada yada yada, life is unfair, how can you not believe me? Part of me just wants to check out if this relationship and file for divorce. I have a lot of potential and he seems so stuck, so much of which he has created for himself. But I have invested so much in this relationship and have seen some small changes from him. I also know my fantasy of just moving on to a new perfect relationship is unhealthy.

Not sure what I need. Just frustrated and tired of this game. I don't know if I can ever fully trust him again and that is so foundational to a marriage.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Hi LoneRanger307

I'm glad you found us here, even though it's not great that you had to.

Frustrated and tired. Those are familiar feelings to me, and to many here. Being in a relationship with someone with BPD is often hard work. And you are doing the hard work, both of you.

How long have you been together?
If you're comfortable with sharing, how is couples therapy going?

Warmly
Scarlet

[LoneRanger307]

Been together 12 yrs. Only found out about this problem last year. I knew something was wrong for a while, but my hubby was skilled at creating this fantasy world of other people who were out to sabotage our life.

Couples therapy has been ok recently. Only a few months with our current therapist. But even therapist doesn't really have a guide for how I start trusting again. We talked this week that I eventually just need to take a leap of faith or decide to opt out.  She is helping us with how we communicate, as we both tend to intellectualism.

Glad to find this place. I listened to Stop Walkng on Eggshells in February. Hoping that talking to others who have partners with the same problem can shed some light for me.

[Scarlet Phoenix]

You've been together for a while, then. Lots of shared history, good and bad. Sounds like couples therapy is helping some. It's not a magic switch, but putting in the work can change things around.

Stop Walking on Eggshells is a great book. It's very familiar to us here, often just referred to as Swoe. There's a discussion about it here (click on the green text).

There are definitely lots of people here who can share their experience and walk with you, support you and listen. And we have tools and tips that are concrete actions you can take to sooth tensions and make life better for you and your couple.

What is the behaviour of him you find the hardest to live with?
And you said you were separated du to his behaviour. Are you still separated but working on it, or back living together?

Scarlet

[LoneRanger307]

We live separately still. I was thinking about moving in this last month, but now I am feeling distant and hesitant again.

Things that I find I don't want to live with:

-his messiness. I went by his apartment recently, and while he keeps the front rooms fairly clean, the closets are a disaster. In the past he apparently only cleaned to avoid me being angry. His self care skills are still fairly poor.

-worries about repeated lying. He has only been lie free since January (he says). Previously, he did not have a job for 5 yrs and lied to me about it for long periods, pretending to work for up to 10 mos at a time before being dramatically fired. I was never aware of this behavior. He is a really good liar and story teller. Now that I am aware of it I constantly worry about it happening again and am very vigilant for it. Recently he didn't follow through with something he said he would do. While not a direct lie, it seemed sort of a lie by omission.

I suppose a lot of it comes back to irresponsibility. I worry that if we move in he will slow revert to old behaviors. I really don't want to be his parent and carry the load of being the responsible one forever.

[LoneRanger307]

Thinking back on this, I think my main question is, has anyone else in this board had a BPD partner who had significant pain or health problems that seened exacerbated by mental health issues?

I think my struggle is with 1) trying to diagnose him/making assumptions about the cause of his problem, 2) catastrophizing/worry that he will stop working again. I think a lot of my reaction relates to wanting to control the situation and difficulty detaching from him.

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Hi again, I can't say that was the case for my ex, but it's true that people with BPD have difficulties controlling their emotions and spin out of control. My ex's sister does not have BPD, but she's struggling with hypochondria to the point where she decided to seeks help for it because she was in the doctor's office every week and hear anyone talk about feeling sick or about aches and pains without taking on the symptoms. She's doing better with it now.

I get there are no updates from his workplace?

[LoneRanger307]

He is back at work. Sent me pics from work yesterday with date on computer visible. So that was reassuring. He still says the pain is there, but is going to work and working through it he says. Maybe he does have something medical going on. I need to work on not diagnosing him.

He showed me a card and gift cetificate he got from someone who did a work training with him, and also a note from his boss about how he is an "angel." He also got a gift basket from his temp agency a month ago. I keep scrutinizing every thing trying to figure out where the lie is. Is it normal for people to get gift cetificates and gift baskets when they start a job? It seems over the top to me.

I am wondering if this is just part of the "high" part of his BPD. When I first met him, he was always the center of social situations and very charming. Since I now know how "low" his low is, I keep looking for it--where is the lie and manipulation? Maybe he is being genuine and it's just that this is all part of the complexity of who he is.

[LoneRanger307]

So, an update to this--I found out today that by BPDh is just down to working 25 hrs a week now "until he goes for his procedure on Monday." He's having a diagnostic test to try to find a reason for the pain problem. Doc diagnosed him with really bad heart burn, but he is continuing to insist that it is debilitatingly bad. When I pointed out that the test was just diagnostic and likely the problem wouldn't be solved on Monday, I just got this look from him, like I was being a mean, unsupportive person. We were at a restaurant so I didn't try to press it further.

Additionally found out that enFIL is now paying his rent again, as a "birthday present." enFIL had taken over financial responsibility for BPDh last year when I kicked him out, but BPDh was supposed to be working on being more independent now that he has a job. It's part of a condition of our talks to move back in together.

I can't help but feel like this is backsliding--avoiding the responsibility of working. I was trying to just suspend my opinion of things until after the next medical test, but I'm really upset to find out he cut back his work hours further and only told me after the fact, in a situation where he basically had to or he would have had to directly lie.

This feels like really yucky. I guess I should just be happy that I'm not financially supporting him any more.

[Masang M]

My bpdH had a lot of knee and back pain for a long time in our marriage. It wasn’t until he committed himself to his therapy that the pain went away. I suspect the pain will come back for him briefly as he has started DBT and will start intensive trauma therapy in 6 months. I hope your husband finds answers. Good luck

[LoneRanger307]

How long was he is therapy before the pain stopped?

[Masang M]

It was probably a few months in. It was definitely after he was able to say everything about his childhood trauma with the help of his therapist he was able to place where the pain was coming from.