32 year marriage with BPD spouse

[aatten]

One month ago I finalized a divorce. The marriage lasted 32 years and we were married at 18. I am really struggling at times because of the traumatic discard 3 days after I buried my youngest brother.  At times I see the light at the end of the tunnel but at other times the tunnel is very dark.     

[worriedStepmom]

I'm so sorry for your loss. 

My (non-personality-disordered) ex left me within a few weeks of my dad's death.  I think I wasn't able to truly grieve for my father because I had to grieve my marriage.

Going to counseling really helped me, both to work my way through the grief process and to help me define my new future and goals.  Are you seeing a therapist, or open to seeing one?  Some of my friends also tell me they were helped a great deal by attending either a grief support group or a divorce support group (like DivorceCare).

Do you have children?  How have they handled the split?

[Baglady]

Hi Aatten,

Welcome  ,

I feel for your pain and confusion so much (I was also brutally discarded almost overnight after a 21 yr marriage).  It has been the most hurtful, soul destroying and surreal experience of my life.  I'm 16 months out now and while I'm in a better place, it is still a roller coaster of up and down days and even moments at times.  

This website has been a life-saver for me. So many here get where you are coming from, we've all been in your shoes to some extent and unlike people in real life, we are sadly all-knowing about the unique flavor of experiencing a broken relationship with a BPD partner.  It is not a typical divorce by a long shot. I would encourage you to keep returning to this site and reaching out for the support you need.

I have also relied upon a therapist and a support group and the love of so many wonderful friends to get me through.  Do you have a good support network?

Take it one take at a time and try to turn the focus on yourself.

Warmly,
B

[MeandThee29]

Long-termer here too. We married later, and many of my agemates are retired. LOL. Someday.

Be gentle on yourself. It's been said that a "gray" divorce is harder to recover from than being widowed. I too have some good days, and some not-so-good. Telling my story triggers me, so I learned early on to avoid doing that very much at all. Going to see my lawyer is triggering, even though he's been such a help and is a solid individual. 

Consider how far you've come, and be satisfied with that for now. It will take time.

[Woolspinner2000]

Welcome aatten, 

Yes, 32 years is a long time. For me it will be 35 in a couple of weeks. These are long term relationships, and you probably also experienced conflict long term too, right? I sure did. The extra layer of grief for you because of the loss of your brother has to have left you reeling. This type of situation is beyond hard. I am so sorry for your loss, both of your brother and your marriage.

This is a good group for listening and helping you as you grieve. We want to support you through this.

 
Wools

[formflier]

aatten  I'm so sorry for all the loss that you are suffering.  I want to assure you that you have found a community of people that "get it" and can help you through your loss.

I'd like to listen to more of your story...when you feel like sharing.

Best,

FF

[lotusblossom1]

my discarding took 6 weeks but was full of lies, half truths and ultimatums.

of course few days after a major life event is terrible, but remember that BPD people usually have empathy problems too. it sounds like this is your case for sure.

i have found this site to be very helpful, as mentioned above, and just poking around the threads here has made me feel not alone and made this whole thing make sense. remember it's not about you. very important to remember i think.

[Longterm]

Hi aatten and welcome.

I wanted to join the other members in letting you know you are not alone and we can all relate. I was with my ex for 20yrs and she recently made a return, shortly after my brother committed suicide and she left again before the funeral even took place. Their lack of empathy at times is mind boggling and very hurtful given the fact that we have very often given them all of us.

LT.