I need to talk to someone that won't see my husband as the bad guy

[vampirecloud]

Hi,
This is my first time trying to reach out to an online community. I am upset right now as we just had an episode again, in front of my 1 year old, while my husband drove me to work. I need help!

I need to talk to someone.

My husband is a wonderful man, full of creativity, and amazing thinking, very loving and just all in all a beautiful person. He is just an absolute great dad as well.

He sees how he can help people and does try to help them. He does definitely have BPD, not diagnosed, but more like self diagnosed. He is also depressive, right now.

We just had a small blow out, he always threatens to divorce, or to send me away from my son. I always don't love or care for him, and I am lazy, always a do nothing and never enough.

I am the sole supporter of my family at the moment, and that is because he comes from an abusive family with a narcissistic parent that has also been a psychiatrist, so any help from a "professional" will NEVER happen. Last time he was on a good career path, they pretty much destroyed all his effort and all the $$ he made and spend on getting his career life together.

I need help, I am terrible with criticism, and although he is right with things, when he's upset he just says awful things. He apologizes a few hours after, but I still hurt. I have to be able to work, clear minded and support us, but i get exhausted too. He tells me i am lazy, that every mother in the world works and takes care of her son and so on. Maybe I am just weak, he says I am weak and childish. and from some points of view I am childish, but still.

I don't know, I just need to talk to someone without them judging him. I need to be able to help him feel loved and cared for, but I just can't seem to ever get it right, and it hurts so bad. 

He's been telling me he is depressed throughout the week, and finally today he blew up. I don't know how to help him, when he tells me the reason is mistakes he's done in the past, or how tight we are with money. It stresses me out as well, and I want to scream that I want to do more.

I feel awful and mopey, at work which is absolutely not OK!

Sorry for the long post and for all the erratic emotions flowing through.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Harri]

Hi and welcome.  I am so sorry for hat brings you here but I am glad you are reaching out for support.  I think you are in the right place to post about these issues.   Things can get better.  We have tools and strategies that can help you and we also have lessons on self care like boundary enforcement (based on personal values) and managing our own anxieties. 

Can you give us a run down of what was said that led up to your husbands outburst?  The more details we have the easier it is to try to help you problem solve.  Being in a relationship with someone with BPD can be challenging but people do it.

I hope to hear more from you.

[Witz_End]

I need to talk to someone.

As a new member, myself, I want to echo what Harri said... there is a lot of good, nonjudgmental support here and I'm sure a lot of members understand when you say...

My husband is a wonderful man, full of creativity, and amazing thinking, very loving and just all in all a beautiful person. He is just an absolute great dad as well.

The truth is that BPD is not the person.  They can be an amazingly wonderful person outside of the BPD and a lot of people here who have chosen to work at making it work do so because of what they see in their SO.

He does definitely have BPD, not diagnosed, but more like self diagnosed. He is also depressive, right now.

When you say "self diagnosed", do you mean by himself or by you?  I get the impression you mean the latter, especially since you mention he will not seek counseling, but wanted to double check.

We just had a small blow out, he always threatens to divorce, or to send me away from my son. I always don't love or care for him, and I am lazy, always a do nothing and never enough.

I have to be able to work, clear minded and support us, but i get exhausted too. He tells me i am lazy, that every mother in the world works and takes care of her son and so on. Maybe I am just weak, he says I am weak and childish. and from some points of view I am childish, but still.

Are you familiar with the term "splitting" and how it is a common trait for a pwBPD to view people as either black or white when dysregulated?  This seems like splitting and it wouldn't be impossible that he is projecting if he feels like a lazy failure who is having to rely on you for income after his own career was sideswiped.

So, the first thing is not to take it to heart.  Heck yeah, it's hurtful and it's easier said than done to let it roll of your back.  I fail at that too often, myself.  But, do not believe it yourself... you're out there working right now because you are not lazy and you would not be here or be with him if you didn't care, right?

I'll leave you in more capable hands for advice, but I sympathize.  Like your husband, my wife is an absolutely wonderful person, but living with the BPD can be taxing at best.