Where to begin...

[BlueEyedMomma]

Hi all. I'm new around here. Just finished reading Stop Walking on Eggshells. Recommended to me by my primary care physician. I've been dealing with my SO for 15 years and with each passing year, more signs present themselves. I'd classify him as a high functioning BP. This is my last stop/hope of trying to make heads or tails of things. This isn't much for now. But it's a start and a way to slowly introduce myself.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Witz_End]

Welcome!  I'm pretty new as well and posted an introduction thread in another section here about things with my wife, also high functioning.

The high functioning part has it's own downsides.  As much as it may mean things are less overt and perhaps less intense in some ways, a unique challenge to it is it's less visible to others and more covert, behind closed doors.  That's an added dimension of challenge as far as finding the pathway to help.  As the book said, high functioning pwBPD are less likely to make their way onto therapists' radar for diagnosis.  It's less visible.

So far, I see a lot of helpful people here who take a lot of time to read, pay attention and offer thoughtfulness.  Amazingly so, actually... you'll notice a lot of posts and responses are long and helpful, a lot of time put into them.  That's awesome to see!

[BlueEyedMomma]

I think that's one of the most frustrating parts. No one else sees it. I'm lucky enough to have a good friend who's house I can escape to when needed.

And most outsiders constantly ask me how I have managed to stay this long. I really don't know. I think I've reached a point where the cycle has taken its toll on me. Especially with three kiddos in the mix as well.

[Witz_End]

It's good that you have the outside support and people who believe you.

I stopped talking to people about things years ago, for a few reasons.  Maybe understanding what it is changes that because it gives me a better framework to help them understand and do so in a way that does not have the effect of trashing her in their eyes.

That is awesome that you have somewhere to go and it is tough with children.  We have kids, too, but all in their later teens to early 20s.

[BlueEyedMomma]

Our kids are younger. But my teenager is wise beyond his years and asked me just a few days ago when the other shoe is going to drop with his father. That's frightening for me too.

[Witz_End]

Mmm hmm.  Yup.  We've gotten the "are you two going to get divorced" question / anxiety from our youngest.

Matters worse, as my wife was going through considering leaving me for another man a few months back, she talked to our two youngest and though she swears it was a general talk, I don't believe it was.  She is generally honest about facts, but I have learned to smell a downplay/lie from her and strongly believe she divulged more to them, including the potentials with him (who she introduced them to via videochat).

(Now, in fairness since I bring it up, I need to caveat that with context.  She is polyamorous and we do have an open relationship that allows for a lot.  However, as with any relationship, that does not translate to carte blanche and she was acting outside of that by not communicating what was going on.  If I am right, the kids knew before I did and polyamory relies on communication as a foundation - not to mention putting them in a position of keeping secrets.  I could ask them, but it would not be fair to put them on the spot.)

This thread isn't about me, though.  It's just an example of how it can be rough when kids are tugged into the anxiety.  They should not be waiting for another shoe to drop.

[BlueEyedMomma]

I wholeheartedly agree. The last real big argument my husband and I had, he dares me to leave him. Yes, dared me. Told me because I've never been on my own, I wouldn't make it. That may be it would make me realize just how good I had it with him. And that I wouldn't find anyone better than him. My oldest, the 13 year old heard this unfortunately.

He told me the next day that he thinks we would be better off divorced, and that I could find someone who would love me and my kids more than his father because no one should be treated the way his dad treated me.

The next morning after that fight, I had this feeling in my stomach to look at my computer and found that he had created a new email address account and a dating profile. This isn't the first time he has done that either. He did this year's ago when I pushed back about an argument.

I'm at a loss for what to do and where to go. I know that in the end, it will always be my choice and my choice alone. So I feel like this forum is my last chance to see if it can be better/work out..  However, as I write these things, I feel like I know what I should do but don't know how to go about it.

[Witz_End]

It's a tough position to be in and I think those questions get murky for a lot of us.  I love my wife and I love who she is when she's not in the grip of her BPD.  There is a lot going for her outside of the BPD and I think that's something many may feel here about their SO.  But, where that tipping point is is a very individual thing and certainly there is a point where enough is enough.  Everyone's experience is different and people here will support you regardless of what you choose.

What I read above sounds typical.  He lashed out, demeaning you with the dare probably as a projection.  What he may have been feeling inside was not *you* would realize how good *you* had it and not find it so good, but that that would be the case for *him* if/when you left - BPD is triggered by and thrives on fear of abandonment, right?  So, it sounds to me like it could have been an aggressive projection.

In the wake of it, it sounds like he may have felt remorse and rather than directly apologize and own the outburst in a healthy way, he voiced it in an emotionally manipulative way.

It pushes and pulls at the same time, but you can see the fear of abandonment at its root.  The dating profile is a reflection of the same, not that that in any way excuses it.  The big problem with BPD is *how* the insecurity comes out - dysfunctional ways that do damage and break trust.  Understanding it is not the same as excusing it.

The part of me that tries to hold onto compassion, since I've learned, wonders about the hell BPD must be on the other side.  Ironically, though, it's like they don't even realize because it is the only reality they know.  Compassion doesn't mean lines shouldn't be drawn or that it's uncompassionate to not put up with abuse, though, to be clear.  We need to do whatever we need to do to take care of ourselves and be safe.

But, I remember once in the weeks after the birth of a child, my wife looked at me and said incredulously, "Is this what it's like to feel normal?"  I asked what she meant and she said she had been feeling a peace that was like a detachment from the strength of emotion.  It may have been more of a dissociative state (she described having a couple bits of anger and feeling more like an observer to her actions than party to them), but as I look way back to her saying that now, it emphasizes something about the experience for her.

[BlueEyedMomma]

I'm not sure I would say he felt remorse for it. When asked about it, he simply said he did do it and didn't know why he did it. Then things went back to the "normal" way of doing things. No further discussion was made about the incident. Even when asked about it.

[Witz_End]

Asked about what?  The dating profile?

A lot goes on underneath the surface with pwBPD, I think.  Sometimes they know, sometimes they don't.  A lot of times when they don't, it seems to me it's an internal blindspot of not wanting to face something inside... perhaps a process running deep.

[BlueEyedMomma]

Yes, about the dating profile. And he probably doesn't really know why he did it.

We never resolve issues. And now that I've discovered that he fits the profile, I don't think we ever will. And it's been 15 years of it.

[gadget]

Welcome BlueEyedMom,

I’m new here too.  Are you attending therapy?  My wife and I are separately.  She moved out 10 weeks ago.  I find therapy, meditation, friends, and this forum all help me cope.  I know this is a mental illness we all are seeing our SO go through.  Nothing we can say/do will fix it.  It is hard and makes no logical sense.  All we can do is control this things we can control which is ourselves and how we react to the situation.  I have stepped back.  Only text her when she texts me.  I hope one day my wife will see all she is missing out on.  New grandson, special needs son we have, and none of my other 3 grown kids are happy with her at all.  Don’t even want to talk to her.

Many stories here of how different therapy’s have helped many BPD people to get better.

Hang in there.  We are all here for each other and it helps tremendously.  

[BlueEyedMomma]

Hi gadget!

No we aren't at the present time. He only suggests it when he feels he's about to lose me. And when he has gone in the past, which was years ago, we lasted a month before he was convinced we didn't need to go anymore. Specifically he didn't need to go. And things changed for the better for about a month or two until he fell back into his old ways.

My oldest has told me he doesn't want to live in the same house as his dad. That if we got divorced, he wouldn't live with his dad until his dad had some sort of proof/doctor's note saying that his dad has been in therapy for a while and still has upcoming appointments. He worries that if we came back around too soon, his dad will fall back into his cycle. And I understand his fears all too well. It's a never ending battle. And I know I shouldn't take some of the things that are said or done personally, but it's hard sometimes.

[gadget]

Hi BlueEyedMom,

Sorry to hear that.  Yes it is hard.  Both my wife and I go to therapy separately.  She left and gave no explanation no one other than me hearing in therapy with her it is Compassionate Caregiver Overload from helping take care of our special needs son over the last 24 years.

I think in her case it is that plus midlife crisis plus BPD (undiagnosed).  For her it started to show up after her mom passed away 1 year ago.  She would tell me daily “I’m not happy” but couldn’t put her finger on exactly why.  She would say “Who am I?  What have I done with my life?  I’ve been a wife, mom for 30 years but never myself”.

So my 3 grown kids don’t really talk to her and want nothing to do with her.  Same with her dad and her side of the family. 

It does get easier each day.  I hope it will for you too.  For me therapy, friends, family, meditation, and this forum has helped me quite a bit.  I just focus on me, and don’t think about her much at all.  It was hard in the beginning, but is easier now.

I’ve lost my love, my best friend of 30 years.  I can find some happy in my life.  But never will be happy she abandoned me,  our kids, our friends and family.

Keep strong.  We all will help each other here and find some strength from each other in going through this together.

Gadget