Why is she is bullying my daughter? Advice needed.

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi all.

I need urgent advice please.

My partner has a serious case of BPD. I can deal with her screaming and physical aggression towards me, but not when she picks on her step-daughters. She treats them well most of the time but suddenly starts to praise one of them while denigrating and bullying the other, which is very cruel.

Sadly, whatever approach I try, she always flips when I defend the attacked daughter. Then my partner begins to express an extremely distorted view of reality. In her insane miss-perception, my daughter hates her and is trying to separate us, I am treating my daughter as a lover, and she may even accuse me of being a pedophile. This is now posing a thread on my custody of the kids from previous relationship. It seems like she has transferred to my daughter the hate and insane jealousy she had for her mother (my ex-wife).

When her step-daughters are not around, she is sometimes ruminating about her accusations all day long. I ask myself if she really believes what she says or if she makes it all up just to turn the drama switch up. Could it be a projection of child trauma ?

This has been going on over and over from my daughter's 5 to 10 years of life. Please help me make some sense about this.

Thanks,
Resilient Dad

[Resilient_Dad]

Hi all.

I need urgent advice please.

My partner has a serious case of BPD. I can deal with her screaming and physical aggression towards me, but not when she picks on her step-daughters. She treats them well most of the time but suddenly starts to praise one of them while denigrating and bullying the other, which is very cruel.

Sadly, whatever approach I try, she always flips when I defend the attacked daughter. Then my partner begins to express an extremely distorted view of reality. In her insane miss-perception, my daughter hates her and is trying to separate us, I am treating my daughter as a lover, and she may even accuse me of being a pedophile. This is now posing a thread on my custody of the kids from previous relationship. It seems like she has transferred to my daughter the hate and insane jealousy she had for her mother (my ex-wife).

When her step-daughters are not around, she is sometimes ruminating about her accusations all day long. I ask myself if she really believes what she says or if she makes it all up just to turn the drama switch up. Could it be a projection of child trauma ?

This has been going on over and over from my daughter's 5 to 10 years of life. Please help me make some sense about this.

Thanks,
Resilient Dad

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Harri]

Hi and welcome.

It sounds very much like it is projection on the part of your partner.  Taking her emotions about her own mother and abuse is a possibility, or those she has about your ex.  Maybe she feels threatened by the love and attention you give them.

Regardless of the cause, it is emotional abuse and quite bad at that. 

Sadly, whatever approach I try, she always flips when I defend the attacked daughter. Then my partner begins to express an extremely distorted view of reality. In her insane miss-perception, my daughter hates her and is trying to separate us, I am treating my daughter as a lover, and she may even accuse me of being a pedophile. This is now posing a thread on my custody of the kids from previous relationship. It seems like she has transferred to my daughter the hate and insane jealousy she had for her mother (my ex-wife).

Does she only pick on one daughter or does she alternate abusing them?  Is she calling you a pedophile in front of the girls?  That this is threatening your custody is unacceptable.

When you say you defend your daughter, what do you say?  The more details you can give here the easier it will be to try to guide you.   

Her abusing you emotionally and physically is also unacceptable.  Can you tell us more about her physical aggression towards you?

[Panda39]

Hi ResillientDad,

Welcome to the BPD Family 

...but not when she picks on her step-daughters. She treats them well most of the time but suddenly starts to praise one of them while denigrating and bullying the other, which is very cruel.

This sounds like splitting...one daughter is all good and the other all bad.

More on Splitting... https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=62033.0

Sadly, whatever approach I try, she always flips when I defend the attacked daughter. Then my partner begins to express an extremely distorted view of reality. In her insane miss-perception, my daughter hates her and is trying to separate us, I am treating my daughter as a lover, and she may even accuse me of being a pedophile. This is now posing a thread on my custody of the kids from previous relationship. It seems like she has transferred to my daughter the hate and insane jealousy she had for her mother (my ex-wife).

For people with BPD Feelings often equal Facts...she feels it therefore it is true.  What I hear in the above is jealousy...jealous of your daughters.  You and I know that loving your daughter and loving your partner are Apples and Oranges not the same thing... but she feels it therefore it is.

I can deal with her screaming and physical aggression towards me...

This should not be minimized, this is abuse...verbal and physical.  Why should you have to "deal" with it?   How do you think seeing this and being treated as they are by your partner is affecting your daughters?

I ask you to think about that because I too thought I was protecting my son when I let my ex verbally abuse me (he was an alcoholic/I'm here because my partner has an undiagnosed BPD ex-wife).  I took the abuse, but my son witnessed it his whole life.  His role in the family?  Stay under the radar, be invisible, keep your dad's attention away from you.  When I finally left my marriage a lot of things surfaced with my son, depression, and social anxiety being the two biggest.  We are still dealing with fallout.  My son is giving himself a make-over but in reality he is pushing through the social anxiety and pushing back the depression and trying to be a man when he had a father that never taught him how to be one.

None of us are perfect parents but I encourage you to start looking at things through the eyes of your daughters.

I've pulled a bunch of information from the co-parenting board that you might find helpful...
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=182254.0

I'm really glad you've come and jumped in  There is a lot of information, tools, and support to be had here.  You are not alone we all have someone with BPD or BPD Traits in our lives we "get it".  Keep posting and keep asking questions and read the posts of others, it's amazing how much we have in common.

Take Care,
Panda39

[Notwendy]

A model that helped me to understand the dynamics in my family was the Karpman triangle : https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle

My BPD mom relates to her closest family members in victim mode. My (deceased) father was her rescuer. These roles were very strong for each of them and the roles bonded them together.

I loved my father and our relationship bothered my mother. I think it is creepy to think a daughter is competition for a husband, but I think she saw all female relatives who were connected to my father as some sort of competition and didn't like it when my father showed love to me or did nice things for me.

I am also her designated scapegoat child. In addition, I was basically a good kid but kids, especially teens, sometimes challenge their parents. To my BPD mother, these normal events were the crime of the century and she'd punish me and paint me black to my father. I was "persecutor" and she was "victim" on the triangle. Something like forgetting to pick up a toy could set her off.

The dilemma- if he defended me, he was not fulfilling his role as her rescuer and to her that was important. So the bind- please her and let her be abusive to me, and/or also punish me, or defend me and face her rage for that.

This is probably the situation you are in as well. Maybe understanding how your wife sees it when you defend your daughters will help you navigate this better. I think it is important to protect them from abuse.

[Resilient_Dad]

Thanks Harri, Panda39 and Notwendy for your replies.

I am tolerating this relationship because I have two very young kids with her (4 kids at total). My best solution is to move into a "two in one" type of house or apartment, were I can isolate myself and my other two kids whenever she is persecuting us. But I can't afford this at the moment. And when I said I can deal with it, I meant that she is not able to make me depressed. I have detached from her already.

Does she only pick on one daughter or does she alternate abusing them?

No. It's permanent. She keeps sending me text messages when I'm at work ruminating about how perfect is my 2nd daughter and how bad is my 1st daughter, while they are even there (I share their custody with my ex-wife, so they have two homes).

Is she calling you a pedophile in front of the girls?

She yes she says many nasty things to me about my older daughter in her presence. She says my daughter will get pregnant just because she is using shorts instead of trousers, or not using a bra.

But my 10 year old daughter is not like that. She never defies any authority nor misbehaves. Actually, she is too passive and has suffered from bullying in past, so I guess she fits the skapegoat profile. But I'm not we I'm making progess in teaching her to speak for herself and say "No".

Before anyone suggests, I'm not any kind of  passive figure. My daughter has developed such behavior from the interaction with her sister and biological mother, in her 2nd home. Her sister (the one who is praised by my partner) has a mood disorder and her biological mother (who also has some mood disorder) forces my older daughter to be passive and tolerate her sister's abuse, because she doesn't want to get stressed herself. Yes that's sad, but my daughters are doing much better now, just my partner that isn't doing progress.

When you say you defend your daughter, what do you say?  The more details you can give here the easier it will be to try to guide you.

Sometimes I avoid conflict, wait for things to cool off and talk to my partner about it next day, or whenever "the pressure is gone". It's hard to make her listen to anything, but when she does listen, I'm usually able to make her notice how unfair and cruel she was. She then regrets it and even asks for forgiveness to my daughter in next encounter. But I'm tired of this approach because she never quits such abusive behavior, always relapses and repeats it as if she had no memory of feeling regretful..

A few days ago I said I would block her internet if she did offend my daughter again. Approaching the end of the weekend, she did it again. I said "you offended her so I will ...", and she begun her tantrum. I begun recording her words in my phone while trying to ignoring her. I had hopes that this would make her restrain herself (or her words at least) and avoid a growing argument, but that seems to have made her much more angry and things went wry.

The trigger was that I my daughter was waiting for me to make a move in a game we were playing and did not lift up to help everyone else to find the doll of my 3rd daughter. My partner ended up calling my ex-wife and saying lots of things that created a problem for me.

Ideally, I would have to defend my daughter without invalidating my partner, but that's kind of impossible. It would be unethical to validate my partner´s feelings while she is being abusive and my daughter would get the wrong message from that.

[Resilient_Dad]

A model that helped me to understand the dynamics in my family was the Karpman triangle : https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle

I have read about Karpman triangle before, and that is an interesting article, but I don't see a fit to my situation. First because there are just two person talking and acting, as my daughter does not complain, victimize, or anything. Only recently that I begun encouraging her to speak for herself, and this has helped. Second, during week days when older kids aren't onboard, there is just one person talking and acting, which is my partner flipping on ruminations about what happened on the weekend, and I just ignore her messages.

I see this behavior as many things such as:
* Attention seeking
* Jealousy
* Envy (she identifies with my 2nd daughter, who has a mood disorder, but not with the 1st daughter, who has the self control she never had.
* Narcissistic defense mechanism (as I read, Narcissists tend to do exactly this with their kids)

In past, I have "cured" my partner from a few other paranoid thoughts which she had compulsively. I did that by simply accepting it and even encouraging her to act on those ideas. For instance during almost two years she had the compulsion about talking about her past sex experiences during our sex intercourse, regardless of it causing or not an argument between us. So I got rid of any bit of jealousy it could be provoking in me, and started to reply by encouraging her to re-encounter those ex-partners, while not getting frustrated myself. As she notices I was not pretending she got "cured" from those compulsive thoughts once for all.

Though I obvious can't join her this psychotic ideas against my own daughter. So I don't see how could I use the same strategy again to cure her from that.

I'm not sure if it is just childhood trauma, conflict seeking behavior, or both. Her parents got divorced at her young age but they have always been very carying and lovely to her. So don't classify her as victim of child abuse. However her mother does, at times, use criticism as discipline method, her mother occasionally her mother overreacts, and her mother did spank her frequently, especially when she suspected my partner was having inappropriate thoughts, behaviors or desires around sex. Another possible traumatic experience was that she got a step-sister after her parents divorced and may have felt replaced when her mother started to take care of the step-sister too. But this step-sister was involved with drugs and also seems to have BPD.

Any thoughts ?

[Panda39]

I have read about Karpman triangle before, and that is an interesting article, but I don't see a fit to my situation. First because there are just two person talking and acting, as my daughter does not complain, victimize, or anything.

Based on what you have shared I see you jumping on the triangle in the rescuer role.  Rescuer in a couple of ways...

One triangle is your Partner as Persecutor, your Daughter as Victim, you as Rescuer (of your daughter).  Not all triangles are necessarily bad.  In this case your partner/an adult is acting out towards your daughter/a child.  Because she is a child I think it is your role to intervene on your daughters behalf.

Another triangle (how your Partner might see things) is your Partner as Victim (in her mind you don't love her as much as your daughter), your Daughter as Persecutor (in your Partner's mind - she is taking your attention away from your Partner - she is competition) and you are the Rescuer you will do what you need to in order to make your partner feel better/to stop the conflict.

Only recently that I begun encouraging her to speak for herself, and this has helped.

My only thought here is that she is a child trying to hold her ground against an adult and an adult with mental health issues.  You find your partner's behaviors challenging and confusing how well will your daughter negotiate this stuff?  There is absolutely nothing wrong with encouraging your daughter to speak for herself but this is more complicated. 

We often talk here about not JADEing (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain).  It is natural to want to do all of these things, particularly when you are being accused of things you haven't done.  However, when you do these things with someone with BPD all it does is fan the drama and can lead to never ending circular arguments. 

More on not JADEing...
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=139972.0

Panda39

[Resilient_Dad]

Hey Panda,

Thank you for your kind answer.

I believe my partner is building a Karpman triangle in her mind, but in reality it does not exist, it is psychosis. She says my daughter makes provocative facial expressions against her, lies, and jumps in happiness when she cries. But none of this has ever happened.

Believe me, I'm am not JADEing against her. I have quit this entirely already. Her miss-perception of reality is the first trigger. The second trigger is me intervening somehow to protect my daughter, such as pulling my daughter way, or stating that she does not need to comply with my partner's aggressive orders. Anyway, once my partner is triggered, the snowball goes downhill by itself and she will keep hysteric for days.

But I may have good news. A few days ago she has started a new treatment, which apparently has made her calm. Let's see. This is the only thing that may possibly cure BPD quickly.

[Harri]

But I may have good news. A few days ago she has started a new treatment, which apparently has made her calm. Let's see. This is the only thing that may possibly cure BPD quickly.

What treatment?

About the verbal, emotional and psychological abuse your daughters are subjected to, are they in therapy?  What are the ages of your kids?

[Panda39]

I believe my partner is building a Karpman triangle in her mind, but in reality it does not exist, it is psychosis. She says my daughter makes provocative facial expressions against her, lies, and jumps in happiness when she cries. But none of this has ever happened.

I believe the above I'm sure your daughter is doing nothing but your partner believes it therefore in her mind it is.  What happens when she says this kind of stuff about your daughter?  Is this stuff said to your daughter?  Is it said to you away from your daughter?  I am concerned about how this kind of stuff is affecting your daughter(s).

Believe me, I'm am not JADEing against her. I have quit this entirely already.

What I was getting at was your daughter defending herself could be JADE and escalate things with your partner.

Have you tried setting any boundaries?  Like if she badmouth's your kids, and won't stop, that you take the kids and leave for awhile.  Get the kids out of that environment and give your partner a chance to cool off/sit with her own feelings etc.

I agree with Harri that therapy would be beneficial to your daughters, it is a neutral place where they can share their experiences (vent), get support, coping tools etc.  Get that professional support that can help them negotiate the situation better.

But I may have good news. A few days ago she has started a new treatment, which apparently has made her calm. Let's see. This is the only thing that may possibly cure BPD quickly.

I have not heard of a quick cure for BPD, maybe this treatment is giving her some symptom relief but it typically takes time and a lot of work to get BPD symptoms under control long term.  I too am interested in what kind of treatment she is receiving.

Panda39

[Resilient_Dad]

Hi Harri,

Both older kids are in therapy, though only the older one gets criticized and this is not the reason for therapy. My home environment is much healthier than their biological mother's home environment. Being criticized by your step mother and having your dad at all times to be at your side, protect/defend you and remove you, is understandable (because I explain stuff to her and make her feel safe). Though being abused by your sister (when angry) and criticized/suppressed by your mother at the same time and having no one to support you there, is a different situation which the kid can't comprehend. By the way her biological mother has mood disorder too, with some BPD traits.

Panda,

Yes I do remove kids from home when my partner is screaming too much. Some times I also remove myself when kids are not present. I take them to play with other kids from the same building. In past when I lived in a house, I locked ourselves in a room and turned on some music a bit loud so we wouldn't hear my partner offenses. At times it would take 1 hour for her to stop screaming at the door and kicking. Currently we can't do this because my partner has hidden all door keys... Chasing me seems like a sport for her...

What I was getting at was your daughter defending herself could be JADE and escalate things with your partner.

Oh I see. But I do not let this happen. My daughter is very calm and thus tends to speak assertively. Whenever she falls into JADE, I gently signalize her not to do it. When my daughter decides to say anything, the outcome seems to be positive. My partner seems to fall back into reality a little, noticing my 10 year old daughter is not malicious/perverse, but ingenuous and inoffensive.

During the last 3 days I have been surprised with her new behavior. I don't know is this will last, but by now, the fact that she hasn't attacked me and not screamed nor cried during arguments with me seems unprecedented. I made an agreement with her were I will give her money on weekends in exchange for her assiduity to this new treatment. She will then use the money to either take a walk on the mall, or "flee" to her mother's house with my permission to take the two younger kids. I know I sound very controlling in the last sentence, but in regards to money spending and kids safety, I need to be.

I'm sorry. I can't say what is this new treatment because of legal issues. But I can say what it is not any kind of therapy, nor a pharmaceutical drug, nor any kind of religious treatment. My faith comes from discoveries about how some microorganisms (virus, bacteria, parasites) can affect so badly our behavior/mood and even hack our brain, and human vulnerability for them varies from person to person. Plus the known fact that heavy metals cause similar problems. This video may help understanding my point:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uvdiYg6ZN-U

[once removed]

this sounds like very extreme, distorted jealousy toward your daughter.

the problem is that if you rush to your daughters defense, it only reinforces her beliefs, and may escalate the situation.

it may call for an extreme measure, like not having the two in each others presence.

when did this start?

[Red5]

*… this sounds like very extreme, distorted jealousy toward your daughter.

*… the problem is that if you rush to your daughters defense, it only reinforces her beliefs, and may escalate the situation.

*… it may call for an extreme measure, like not having the two in each others presence.

Good Morning Resilient_Dad,

Reading your thread, and thus far I've resisted posting in it… as I'm living on the backside of the scenario you are describing now in my own marriage, so my opinions, feelings are biased perhaps.

... but here goes,

I have an autistic son, he will be 33 this year, he is a 5-7 year old developmentally, he will live with me permanently.

I married wife #2 eight years ago, we dated for about 3.5 years, she was also previously married, we both have two other (each) grown adult children.

I suspect my wife to be borderline (hermit / queen - high functioning), with covert (sematic) narcissistic traits, she is undiagnosed, and she never will be...

... yes, I took the "red pill"… good grief : (

So to get to the point, she started really going after him, controlling,   punishing ... about four years ago, this culminated in her physically assaulting him last November, we are now separated because of that one incident (culminative).

I am going to tell you what was told to me, & yes, I'm urging   to you here, a warning of what may come... this was posted to me back in 2017, by another member here.

(exert from April 2017 thread, post by "Dutched")

Red5

As so much is going on I see and understand your fight.
A fight in which you want to get your rational mind, with all the knowledge you are absorbing here, to come in terms with the emotional mind.
I takes time, don’t rush that.
You already discovered explanations for that behaviour.
It is all within her, projecting it on you, the closest ones, and you (unconsciously) taking the bate.

Not taking that bite requires you to learn some techniques which you find all around here.  
More senior members who are still involved have developed great skills, giving advise in almost every situation.
 
It is like changing your partner by changing yourself.

What hit me most is the situation with your son!
As I understand he is autistic and more or less function as a 7 yrs. old.  
As you indeed said, that is your main goal, not allowing your wife to get him ‘beaten up’.
So indeed GUARD him, please, and give him your attention, guidance and safety.

Your son is an easy prey for your wife.
Keep in mind that your wife’s emotional age is that of a 4-6 yr. old.

Although the comparison is not that valid, both are of similar emotional age.
One of them with skills as an adult, lashing out, ‘dominant’ and patronizing, even total devaluating the one (your son) less strong.
So, leaving your son very scary and humiliated behind.

That needs your attention please.
Safeguard him, for his and your sake.

What "Dutched" wrote to me back then hit me like a brass bell... I smelled the coffee... but I put up with it for another two plus years... just read my threads, via my profile... ugh : (
 
Yes Resilient_Dad, please take care of your daughter, don't let her to became emotionally damaged, by your wife's suspected borderline behaviors, this type of abuse of a pre-teenager may or will result in… cptsd - self esteem issues - which will create relationship attachment issues in her later life, among other emotional problems… not fair… I know we often try to "keep the peace"… and in doing so, we may actually put up with too much, we enable more bad behaviors... and even "allow" abuse of our own children... by either the biological mother or a step mother... in order to try and appease the borderline, yes I said that, this may be attributed to "FOG", and or 'cognitive dissonance' within us, within the relationship... I did this for years, and she never relented, it only got worse and worse… and one morning, she punched him in his head three times, because he was taking too long in the bathroom (autism)… sobering ; (

... for a reference to just how dysfunctional Red5's life was back in the spring of 2017 when I came here… and if you care to read that old thread, here is the link ~> https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=304834.msg12838419#msg12838419

So please please be advised my friend, and I'm sure you know this... verbal & emotional abuse, can quickly escalate into the physical (kicking doors) and then to actual hands on... fists; physical abuse... guard your Daughter Resilient_Dad, don't let her be abused by your wife.

This is tough stuff we are all dealing with, and many of us, like you, in real time... and many of us will have to make tough choices... right now, I am basically being forced to choose between my Wife, and my Son... as she isn't likely to ever change, not at age 52... I can no longer allow her to be abusive towards him, to him... that's not acceptable in any "book".

Sometimes, love isn't enough, we have to examine why we are in the relationship, why we may stay... to what ends, and whom will get hurt, many times, its not only us, but the involved children as well... there are many members here, whom tell us about their own dysfunctional parents, childhood experiences, how their parents interacted, the non verses the disordered (borderline et all')... either biological, or step... and the effects it had on them in their adult lives, and most pertinent, their relationship choices resultant in their own, later adult lives...

I hope I haven't said to much... but this is very emotional to me, and I'm feeling your situation in my own heart, I am feeling your story personally Resilient_Dad... a borderline step parent verses a child... hang in there, keep learning, and keep posting,

Kind Regards, Red5

[Resilient_Dad]

"once removed"

Thanks for your input. Very true. This jealousy may have begun even before my partner met my 1st daughter for the first time. As any proud father would do, I describe my 1st daughter with compliments. By that time my daughter was just a 4 year old baby, but in my partner's lack of maturity she seems to have felt jealous of the fact that she didn't receive as much compliments, or not the same compliments. She was unable to understand that my 2/4 year old babies required my attention.

That became more obvious when we went for a walk. Everything was perfect except for one thing. There were streets with cars close by and so I had to watch my kids step. But my partner would not understand that. She wanted me to keep walking slow with her and hold her hands while she talked non-stop about random stuff, totally unworried. I was trying to control kids by calling them to keep close, but when kids started to run towards the street and got a distance from me, I released her hands and ran after them. She never accepted this and describes it as a traumatic event where I abandoned her. Even though I kept trying to make making everything to please her that day.

This seems really unbelievable, but I understand now. She was so immersed in her own emotions that she didn't notice the rest of the world around her. She was blind for the situation. Yet what has made her recall so much about it and victimize herself was the fact that in past I kept JADEing with her about it, and with that she felt criticized. So recalling it became another form of capturing my attention and of defending herself.  She always feels criticized from nowhere, as if there was a little voice in her head doing it. And there actually is, in a unconscious level.

But for a few years she was only disputing my attention and criticizing only me, not the kids from previous relation. The had a chronic thing of always bringing my ex-wife into all conversations. She is jealous of my ex-wife but I think she did that mostly because it disturbed me. Then gradually she transferred all of her jealousy towards my older daughter. Again, she did it because it disturbed me. My daughter was already understanding things so I was forced to interfere and repress my partner's acting out. My reaction seems to have allowed the birth to this problem. Her criticism towards my 1st daughter became chronic for the last 3 years. And since she identifies herself more with my 2nd daughter (the one with a mood disorder), she praises the 2nd daughter as if she was indulging herself, indirectly.

What intrigues me is that she has never shown jealousy towards my two younger kids (the ones which she gave birth). Much to the contrary, she is always complaining that I should give MORE attention to them... Ok you can call this splitting, but there must be a way of changing this pattern, this dynamics. I have changed many destructive thinking patterns she had. I even made her stop hitting her head on the wall (it was a frequent habit). But I'm having a real hard time finding out how to change this one.

PS: In case you have been "once removed" from discussion boards, I totally understand you. Along many years of battling against my partner's disorder I have tried non-orthodox concepts and ideas, and even radical approaches, which aren't accepted by "ortodox people".


Hey Red5, I'll reply for you too asap. 

[Resilient_Dad]

Hey Red5,

I'm very sorry for you and your son. Indeed, we have a similar problem, yet there are significant differences. I actually should have posted in the "Conflicted or Just Tolerating It" board, but posted here because my only option now is to handle the situation.

In past, about 3 years ago and earlier, when I had not made her pregnant yet, I did have feelings for her. At times when her disorder worsened we had broken up a few times (with her moving out) and by then I did miss her. Though during her two pregnancies she worsened tremendously and became so abusive towards me that I was forced to see things from a different angle and free myself from any romantic feelings towards her. So perhaps I'm in a more advanced stage along the road and if that is the case I would be glad in helping you to advance too.

Now I don't miss her at all, but guess what she refuses to leave, and right now I lack on resources to force her out in a way that is good for our kids. Sometimes her behavior looks "oppositional defiant". Whenever she finds a behavior that disturbs me, the behavior grows into a real compulsion. Hence here I am looking for advice on how to fix the situation. Because right now I can't entirely escape from it. Best alleviating measure I can take is what I'm doing this weekend, and all other weekends when my older daughters join me; allow her to spend the weekend with her mother. I don't like t his because it splits my 4 kids apart, but for now it's better that way. I'm afraid, however, that she will opt to just spend the money in the mall (I gave her this option) and repeat the same behaviors when she gets back.

TTYL

[Resilient_Dad]

Oh well the treatment is not working as I expected. She has not followed it strictly, but yet I expected to see improvement, which I don't see anymore. She is having daily bursts of anger and refuses to follow up with our deal.

The same deal that originally made her reacted positively, is now seen as a threat. As she notices I want her to spend the weekend in her mother's house, this is interpret as rejection and criticism. I was very polite, so I guess she is blaming me for her own self-criticism, whatever her "inner voice" is telling her. She is now acting out through messages and making me more threats.

She writes very incoherent messages based on facts about my relation to my daughter. Facts that aren't real at all. And says she will spread those messages to her family members plus my ex-wife and make reports against me on kids tutelary council. She is unable to notice that anyone who reads it will promptly notice her mental insanity and abusive attitude.

I don't know what to do so I'm trying to contact any of her family members. I called her father but unfortunately she was talking to him at that exact moment (probably seeking for feelings of acceptance). When I get home she will probably attack me. I ended the call with her father right away to let them talk, without explaining him anything of what's going on here. But she will imagine bad intentions and accuse me of trying to make her father "flip sides against her".

I feel like the only thing I can try now is to bring her back to regular treatment with vitamins/minerals and keep encouraging her to stick into it, avoiding any kind of conversation, hoping that by Friday she will be better and perhaps accept spending the weekend on her mom's house.

[Resilient_Dad]

This has been one of the best weekends I've had in a few years. Our agreement worked out. She was absent from friday to monday.

Meanwhile, I realized why she has this stigma about her step-kids. It's because she sees conflict between them and absorbs it. My 2nd daughter has a mood disorder (has received two psychiatric diagnostics) and is very competitive, so she starts conflicts with the 1st daughter, displaying rivalry, aggressiveness and drama. I have to interfere, mostly trying to deal with her emotions. But this 3 people interaction drags my partner's attention. It would be an easy thing to deal with, which I'm able to resolve quickly, but my partner decides to interfere taking sides and judging by her own emotions and identification with my 2nd child. So my partner prevents me from resolving the conflict and instead creates another much larger conflict, with me. She absorbs the negative feelings of the moment and transforms it into permanent rumination/obsession lasting for weeks.

So perhaps the only way of ending this cycle is by teaching my daughters to deal with their differences without competitiveness, so that no conflict will arise. It may be hard to change the 2nd daughter's thinking patterns but perhaps the 1st daughter can learn how to react in a more adult-like manner toward her sister's rivalry. They are both quite gifted, so maybe this can work. However, I need my partner to spend a few more weekends away before things change.