What to do when pwBPD is really upset

[kittykay]

So my pwBPD and I work at the same place. Today I was working and he came down visibly upset, crying. We went into an empty room together and I hugged him for a while. He then vented his frustration about his colleagues. He'd just been addressed about some issues by his manager (though the hierarchy is pretty flat, so it's more like a colleague with some more experience), and he found it very unfair the way he had been addressed. He had walked out on the talk in anger and he was still very angry, calling one of his colleagues deceitful, and something along the lines of "PLEASE READ this PLEASE READ, if this is how they want to do things then I'm out."

Some background information: he just started this job in May, the tension has been building pretty much since then because he works two weeks in a row without a break and every other week also has night phone duty and he's been dealing with the tension by smoking weed and drinking. He does enjoy his job, but the schedule is pretty whacko (I wouldn't be able to do it... And for most healthy people I think it would be a challenge...)

I agree with the factual aspects of what he was saying, the actual reason he was upset. And I validated him in this, saying that I understood that he's upset and even angry or frustrated. And I also said that now was probably not a good time to talk about this because the tension is so high and he just needs a holiday first (which he will have first week of september), suggesting that he communicate this and ask to address the issues after his holiday. He was still pretty upset so I asked what he needed to be able to get back to his day, he shrugged his shoulders and began to cry so I hugged him again. I also told him that I'm not really good at these kinds of things but that I really have the feeling it would be a good idea to just let it rest for now, that the actual issues were not all that bad and could definitely be resolved in a moment when the emotion is not so high. And that perhaps it would be good to just do something else entirely for now. I needed to get back to my work so I gave him a kiss, told him I needed to get back to work, asked him if he was okay (he kind of shrugged and nodded), gave him a kiss and got back to work.

I'm not sure whether I really responded in a wise way. I feel like I was giving a lot of advice, which was well-meant but potentially not so helpful. I felt pretty shaken by the high emotion of it, especially since we were both at work. My default is to try and offer solutions. I'd like to be able to handle these kinds of situations better and would be grateful for any tips - is there things you would suggest doing differently?

And also - the tension is still there and potentially he is also angry at me because I may not have responded the way he wanted or needed me to... Any suggestions how to deal with that? Maybe I just need to tell myself "it's okay, I did the best I could, I'm not a bad person for feeling shaken by the situation."

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[Ozzie101]

I can empathize with you, kitty. That's something I struggle with myself: knowing how to react and respond when my uBPDh is upset.

From my viewpoint, I think you handled it well. You validated his feelings. You were present and affectionate with him. I, too, have a tendency to try to solve and I'm learning that that's not always the best way. Sometimes it's best to just listen and be there.

Anyway, of course it's normal to feel shaken. I get a little off-kilter myself when H is upset. I think some of that's just normal relationship stuff, being affected by a loved one's distress, but at least in my case there's that added layer of BPD and knowing that when he gets upset, things can get ugly.

What makes you think he's angry with you? Have you ever tried talking with him in a normal time and asking what he feels would be helpful in those situations? Not everyone would be open to that but sometimes it helps to know what it is they feel they want or need when they're upset. And it may not be something you can/want to provide. My H said when he gets angry, he wants the people around him to get angry and worked-up too. Now, thankfully, he sees that that's not healthy or helpful.

[kittykay]

Thanks for your reply Ozzie101.

I think some of that's just normal relationship stuff, being affected by a loved one's distress, but at least in my case there's that added layer of BPD and knowing that when he gets upset, things can get ugly.

Yes, that's exactly it, and it's difficult then to be there with an openness for just his experience. And also because at the moment I feel far too dependent on him, so that when "things get ugly" I feel far too affected, which is something I'm working on so that I can feel safer and more stable in general.

Hmmm I think maybe he's not angry at me, he's just angry at everything and I am taking it personally. I just spoke to him and he seemed a bit calmer, but he did mention that he had "tried to break up with me and I wouldn't leave". When I said that he was negating his own role in that situation he jokingly said "yes, because that would mean I'd have to take responsibility". So at the moment things feel a bit fragile in general on the relationship front, and perhaps there are things left unsaid that bubble up in a moment when tension is high. It feels a bit like a tightrope act at times, and mainly right now I need to find a place of balance first before I can really be there for him or figure out things in our relationship.

It's a good idea to talk to him in a calm moment and ask what would be helpful to him, I'll try that.

[Ozzie101]

In my experience, pwBPD tend to lash out when they're angry/hurt/in pain because they don't have the coping tools to know how to handle it. The likeliest targets are the people closest to them -- whether they're actually the source of the anger/hurt/pain or not. With my H, there have been many times where his anger has felt like it's directed at me, while he insists he's not actually mad at me. I'm getting better at distinguishing.

[kittykay]

Yes, that's been a super important learning for me the past months. I still sometimes go into the default of thinking it's personal but I'm glad I at least know that anger is connected strongly to BPD and having a hard time dealing with emotions. I used to really think it was all my fault and that I was doing something wrong, but then I also couldn't figure out how to make it right because everything I tried seemed to cause more anger - awful feeling and I'm very grateful I'm finding a way out! It's very helpful to have the reminder and to realize other's also experience this in relation to their pwBPD. Thank you for sharing.

[Ozzie101]

Of course! It helped me a lot as well. As I said, I still struggle with that. But I, too, felt like it was my fault and that I'd failed miserably as a wife. Yet all my attempts to fix things or do better just crashed and burned. There are things we Nons can do to improve things, but realizing that it's not really "our fault" takes a huge load off.