My Daughter Needs Help

[Lulu808]

My daughter has become impossible to have a relationship with. She rages at us, she recounts events in ways that are so convoluted that I start to question my own sanity and recollection of events. Holidays that were once anticipated and joyful are a nightmare, to the point where none of us wants to be there and we dread them. Last Thanksgiving I staggered the times because my other daughter said she couldn’t take any more dinners with her and when she arrived with her bf and realized that everyone had been there a bit earlier she flipped out on all of us and demanded her dinner be wrapped to go. We are all just walking on eggshells trying not to set her off at all times. This has gone on for years but recently it has gotten a lot worse to the point where my husband drove her to a mental hospital. Sadly she got nowhere there. - they kept her and then four days later she seemed to be better and went home where the cycle started all over again. We are scared for her, scared for her life for her future without a job or friends. We are all she has right now and she pushes us away on a daily basis. We don’t know where to go or what to do. My daughter is 26 so we have no say in her treatment or her medication. We have begged her to get help and she refuses. The reason I am on this site is because she texted me saying “I think I have BPD.” But she has not been diagnosed.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FaithHopeLove]

Hello Lulu
Welcome to the group. I am glad you are here. Your story sounds very familiar. Many people with BPD act that way. It is so frustrating. The fact that she recognizes something is wrong and it could be BPD is a hopeful sign though. Perhaps she will accept help. In the meantime there is a lot you can do to improve your relationship. Have you had a chance to look around the site yet? There is a ton of good information here. A good place to start is by clicking the link at the top of this page that says "How to get the most out of this site." Please do keep us posted. We are all in this together.
Hugs
Faith

[Lulu808]

Thank you I will definitely be reading as much as possible on this amazing site. I’m comforted by the fact that I know there is a solution for her and yes, that she is asking for help, even if it’s only for a moment in between her episodes.

[hangingon]

Welcome Lulu,

 I also have a 29 year old daughter (undiagnosed BPD) with whom I have had a very strained relationship.  Your story is very familiar - I deal with the twisted stories and altered memories every day with her.  She has caused me to question my sanity many times, most recently just a few days ago. Having a child with this disorder is challenging for the best of us, and we have to learn new ways to communicate with them. That process is tough and it helps tremendously to have the support of those who know what you are going through. You are not alone and we are here to listen, encourage and support you.

There are so many good tools and articles with insights here, so be sure to take advantage of them, and keep sharing. 

Hugs 
hangingon

[Lulu808]

Thank you hangingon - I am finding this site to be extremely helpful and I pray we all find the help our loved ones need to live productive, happy lives, and that we all find hope and peace in dealing with this disorder.

[Bluemoon23]

 

Welcome.

Ditto. Living that too. I'm finding so much to read and help me as I go through this journey.

I totally understand and I know I have found comfort, strength and wisdom here. It's been really helpful. I hope your finding this and posting will give you the same.

Take good care. Hugs

[Lulu808]

Thank you so much. This is the first step to getting help because it’s very difficult if one doesn’t understand what they’re dealing with. Everything I am reading is so familiar! I thought I was all alone for years and years.

[FaithHopeLove]

You are definitely not alone.

[livednlearned]

Wow, it's amazing she texted you, "I think I have BPD."

How did you respond?

Also, the pushing away is hard. It might also be her way of regulating intense emotions. She will struggle to take responsibility for her own emotions because her sense of self is so unstable, so she'll project them on you.

When she retreats, even if she blames you, it may well be a way to help her return to baseline.

I know it's not easy.

What is the issue or behavior most concerning you at the moment?

[Lulu808]

I responded by letting her know we are there for her and that we will help her with whatever she needs, and then promptly purchasing “Walking on Eggshells” and other materials because once I looked up the symptoms I realized that it described her to a tee.

My greatest concern is that she will do something to hurt herself out of anger and impulsivity and that there’s nothing we can do to stop her. She crashed her car and totaled it because she broke up with her boyfriend and was upset. No one was hurt but it could have been terrible. I had to drive four hours to pick her up because they detained her and charged her with DUI even though she had nothing in her system - her behavior alone made them jump to conclusions. Yet they won’t put her on a 72 hour hold so she can be forced to get some help. I am at the end of my rope.

We pay for everything - she totaled her car and it cost us $600. to get it out of impound. She begged us to get her a stroller for $250 or she “will die” because her cat isn’t safe outside. And on and on and on. We are basically held hostage and extorted just to keep her from doing something crazy. We are at the end of our rope. The one thing that gives me hope is that there is a name for what she has and that we now know it isn’t our fault because all this time we have lived with the shame and guilt that we somehow caused this to happen to her. She is a master at blaming us and no matter how convoluted what she says is she makes it somehow sound plausible. I need therapy.

[FaithHopeLove]

Maybe this article will help you get past being "held hostage" by your daughter. I know it helped me. The author points out boundaries are about us not other people. Once you know your own values you can decide what you are and are not willing to tolerate. "No" can be a very life giving word. Boundaries

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Lulu808]

Thank you Faith I really appreciate it and all the information I have been finding. I realize to an outsider looking in our responses to our daughter’s atrocious behavior seem weak and we appear to be enabling doormats and it’s true - we have been. I am fully owning my role in what has been happening and now that I know better I am committed to doing better.