Wife´s downspiral and my fear of the worst

[Dave89]

I haven´t written anything here for a week. And even now I find it not easy to do, considering what has happened lately.

She has found an apartment. And it´s not going good, as far as I feel. Sunday her new landlord called me (I never spoke with her or knew her) and told that my wife is very bad. She didn´t explain what was wrong, just that she cannot travel and asked if I can share my car with her. She also asked to prepare her remaining belongings for pick up on Monday. That never was picked up... She also said that she will be filling DV accusation against me on Monday and I have no idea if they did that, but just in case, I met with my lawyer today. Well and then she asked me what is with her mental state? I just described that she has been diagnosed BPD a few months ago... I have no idea what is happening over there and why she asked me this question even more than once... She has had some extreme swings lately. I spoke with her aunt yesterday and she hasn´t been writing to her. I feel that she now went shut down and that may lead her to self-destructive actions. Her phone is not reachable for 3 days, as far as I heard, she hasn´t done this before... She has never been in psychic hospital. She has never cut herself. But she has put her life in danger in other ways.

She did say to me after the conflict, that if we will again need to separate that she will kill herself... I don´t know if I need to contact her landlord again to check why she didn´t take her stuff and is everything okay. I don´t know if she would tell me the truth because maybe she thinks I made her state worse or that I am physically aggressive or who knows... She doesn´t know me and even less so our relationships and how things really were. It´s another person inserted into her game, but at the same time, I have no other chance to find out if she hasn´t done anything bad to herself...  I feel the pain is taking me over to having to accept the risk of her trying to take her own life is real enough and all I can do is feel helpless of that.

My emotions have been on a roller coaster. I am totally drained by all means. She is very dear to me, I love her, but I had made a hard decision I been moving towards for many years, it was just a week ago, that I will never accept her back. Just for my own sanity and health. I want to have a divorce. But I will do all I can to help her remotely.

I did all I could during these 8 years in controlling her illness and stabilising situation so that people around seemed that we where doing just fine. But I came to terms that I cannot no more, I was close of just wanting to die. Now she is alone and sadly most likely makes decisions that make her situation even worse. She is not prepared for all real-life hardships. On top of that it´s her illness that she is alone with and there is nothing more worse than her facing her her emptiness and misery face to face. I don´t know if she is strong enough to survive that, but I really hope she will go past it and take responsibly for her life.

 I feel very fragmented now, myself. So maybe the things I write might sound confusing and if it is, please accept my apology.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Dave89]

Just a small update is that I contacted her landlord and she was with flu yesterday. So promised to pick up things today, we´ll see if she does that. And as far as it goes her being un-reachable - it also may be that she switched phones because she was paranoid about me having access to her phone, I heard her landlord mentioned me this on Sunday (something about that I have her Icloud). That would be really good if that only was the case and she was safe otherwise.

Having to deal only with police (if she accuses me) and divorce is by far much less stressful compared to having to fear her killing herself.

[Cat Familiar]

Hi Dave89,
I understand that you are feeling that you need to leave the relationship for your own wellbeing and that you're feeling like it's a sound decision, having spent many years trying to stabilize things in her life. Many of us have made the same decision and we know how difficult that is.

Unfortunately you are still entwined with her somewhat and things might get complicated if she files DV charges against you. For this reason, I'm going to relocate your thread on the Bettering board, where you will learn strategies to cool down conflicts when they arise.

Whether or not she does file, you still have more work ahead of you to unwind this relationship, and even more if you are ending a marriage. We understand how difficult it is to deal with a volatile partner with BPD.

Best, Cat

[Dave89]

Hey Cat Familiar,

Yes, you are right. I will eventually move from this board to the other one.

As for now, she collected her things, even took more than I expected, so I believe she is feeling good and my worry about her bad state turned out to be wrong and this really relieved me so much, I am feeling so much better. Her landlord (new hero) said that she´s lawyer has frozen some account we have together and the car we own. She (her landlord) accused me of not giving her ring and some clothes, but it was everything in her belongings, so I think she had a good blow on how my wife can accuse me of things and make me such a bad criminal   So she has a team on her side (police, lawyer and landlord) to help her and support her at this time, like all times before when she had split on me. Well, at least for a while, until she will start splitting on them instead. It's kind of funny to see this new landlord taking her saviour and secretary role, but with time she will for sure know her more fully.

There is divorce process involving court that is what I understand and that makes it by far more easier for me, because she is taking this step instead of me. I have no idea how/if she will press charges against me for DV accusation (will that be taken as separate process or what not), I will have to see and wait if police calls for my testimony, but I don't worry too much, because I had never attacked her by any means during our 8 years of marriage and I have been to police already last year and the whole investigation was cancelled due to lack of evidence. I could go against her actually, I have been violated so much that I cannot even count it all, but that is not kind of games I like to play or waste my time or emotions. I also had been divorced with her before, then we remarried few months later. This time finally I am stopping this roller coaster. I highly suspect one day she will wake up (that has always happened before countless times) and see the damage she done, especially taking things to police again, and feel terrible about it, but this time she wont be able to move back to me anymore. Enough has been enough...

In just less than two hours I will be 30 years old and now I can say I am restarting my life for real. I already feel much better being separated for while and doing things I love instead of worrying about her.

[Dave89]

My fears where right after all. Just after meeting her lawyer she was seen on middle of street on somebody called police. They bring her to hospital, but she run away, and last time was seen 3pm. Then yesterday around 8pm I got notified that she is missing. We involved police and we where searching for her, fearing the worst. At 10:30pm thankfully someone saw her walking bare foot with labrador and he called police. Then she was taken to ER hospital. Today she has been transported to psychiatric department. I did all my best to try to speak with them that they don't give her wrong medications, but they seemed to be arrogant enough so far to not even call me back. At least I tried to get in touch with her doctor, I hope she got the message, since she works also in the same hospital where my wife is. And, well, on top she has accused me of DV (I haven't heard from police but will probably very soon), so it makes things far more complicated for me to be involved legally. She was talking to her landlord for last week that her life has ended. And she did all (accusations, taking very big loan, destroying my reputation once more and not doing anything active such as gym or healthy eating as before) to make herself in this dark place. I think that interestingly that she lost her connection with reality completely after meeting with her lawyer, so it may be that she somehow understand what she is doing and how wrong it is. She has said before, that she didn't have any bigger trauma in her life that going to police last year, and she would never ever want to repeat that again. And look, now she did it again, the same cycle.  It truly never ends.

[Dave89]

Over these 8 years I have seen her doing things over and over again to hurt no only me but herself. Is there anything that helps you when you understand there is nothing you can do to make the other person feel better, but you need to watch over and over again how they hurt themselves, because of the emotions they cannot process? It is such a painful thing to watch. I have always felt helpless, I could only help little and that worked for short time if at all. This destructive behaviour is something I find it very hard to understand how to feel about it. In the end you still care about the person, you cannot make yourself numb. So I would like to hear what others have to say about that? How do you manage?

[Cat Familiar]

You ask some very important questions. Of course you want to help and feel powerless when she does self-destructive things. Ultimately she is an adult and is responsible for her choices and perhaps she will get some much needed psychiatric help now.

It truly is hard to watch the person we love hurt themselves and damage us in the process. 

I know it sounds cold, but really your choice comes down to whether or not you want to be a part of this relationship. Some people stay and some people choose not to.

[Dave89]

I had taken too much responsibility for her. I still struggle with this. I also don´t trust doctors as much as I should and that keeps my own anxiety levels high, imagining them giving her wrong pills that after she comes out and kills herself, as Marsha Linehan says they do often. But it very well might be false. They now have much more experience with BPD then they used to have. I gave up fear, at least for now. And somebody who is a professional need to take care of her, not me. It saddened me that they even didn´t call me back from the hospital to get my input (I called them and they promised to get in touch with me), but that is their decision, it could be due to privacy laws and very well also because of accusations.

your choice comes down to whether or not you want to be a part of this relationship

It is over for me in this regard, I don´t know how I will handle things if (most likely when) she will try to come back, but I definitely don´t see us together. I still love her as a person that is very dear to me and I want her to be happy, but it is very clear that this has gone over any limits and there is no realistic hope that things would be better, but on the contrary - her BPD symptoms have worsened even more during the last two years. She has become more violent and rageful and constantly wants to fabricate accusations to fit her emotions in the time of splitting.

We could have some remote contact from time to time, but I am not looking into so long future, I try to focus just on this day for now. It is so unpredictable as to what even the next day can bring with her.. her actions shock everyone.  I am an empathetic person and for me even to eat is hard when I know she struggles with herself to extremes and feels this deep pain thas is beyond any description. That is why I kept her for 8 years even it was heartwrenching for me. I try to distract myself of negative thoughts, but it´s a constant fight.

[Dave89]

Today I was thinking. It’s kind of interesting. Last year she had same lawyer and she seemed to be strongly indoctrinated in far left philosophy, so that later when my wife came back to her and told her full truth about what really happened she got very angry and acted like she had Stockholm syndrome. Then when she failed to convince her in intensive conversation that she is living with abuser she said - so you lied to everyone and probably wanted money, and admitted - we also couldn’t find any proof from hospital check up, your phone etc. It took few days for my wife to re-balance again, she said she was so mean to her that she should have left sooner.

Now she took the same path, same lawyer to accuse me of DV again and get divorce from court. I have no idea now when she went to her, what was they talking about, but because of how she reacted (very dramatic way that granted her 2 police pick ups from street) it is most likely that they had a disagreement, it could even be that she wanted to revoke accusations against me but the lawyer said it’s too late and she then got angry and made this pshycotic drama. I had seen that similar things happened before, so it would not be surprise. Poor lawyer most likely felt so guilty (just like me) that she went to hospital that very late evening to see my wife. This was a cruel game, but one to brought attention to herself. Police hasn’t contaced me, even though they was supposed to do that, they might now need some extra time to process. I have kept her mental condition hidden for so long, fought all alone, but now much more people will be involved in seeing this, I can feel they are just as terrified as I was. So we will see how it goes from here. That was just my grain of sand and somewhat speculation based on past experiences.

[Dave89]

A week has passed by, but I have no information about her current condition. I tried several times to contact the hospital but got the only response to wait for them, whatever that means. Likewise, she hasn´t contacted anyone from her family. She has gone to complete isolation for more than two weeks and that has never happened.

The last thing I heard was that she called our family friend to pick her up from the hospital and drive her home, said that she had gone crazy and she has sounded weird. That, of course, didn´t happen.

I was hoping to get any kind of information during this week but had none. It has been one of the hardest times of my life. This uncertainty is killing me slowly, I try to survive for most of the days. I am wondering does she really want to kill herself seriously? Are doctors giving her very strong medications, despite her having a very sensitive nervous system? Do they even treat the right condition? Is she becoming aggressive there and hurting herself or others? Is she even still there? What will happen when she comes out if she has chosen to isolate from anyone she knows and that care about her, is she really want to end her life once and for all? And so on. I know not the best to think off, but since I have no information about her condition at this time, these things pop into my mind very frequently. It does feel like a nightmare. I still care about her, she is still my closest person, despite the fact that I don´t see us together anytime soon or even ever. And so the only thing I want is that she will want to live and fight... but even that is out of my hands.

I am just venting a bit here...

[Harri]

Hi Dave.  I am so sorry that things are so uncertain.  I can hear your concern and anxiety and I get it.  Not knowing is, I think, one of the hardest to deal with.

It sounds like you have done all you can at this point in terms of contacting the hospital and her family to see if they have heard from her.  The only other thing I can think of is to call the landlord and see if they know anything or even ask the police to do a wellness check.

In the meantime, what can you do to work on your own anxiety?  Do you run or workout?  Sometimes that can release the pent up anxiety and energy.  Does writing help?  sometimes when I am struggling, I find the best thing for me is to reach our here and try to help others.  It makes me feel better and gives me some positive interaction that helps in addition to getting me out of my own head and issues.  I also find that when reading and talking about other situations, I sometimes find something that will help me.  I have no idea if that will help but I figured I would mention it.   Can you go see a movie for a little while or maybe go for a walk?

What do you think would help you manage your own feelings at this point?

 

[Dave89]

Harri, first of all, thank you for taking the time to read through and reply.

Yes, I contacted hospital three times, Friday (16-Aug), this week Monday, and Wednesday and I´m sure that they are aware of me. In a country I live in it is very common that you get little or no medical information even about yourself, plus on top, you have privacy laws that limit any relative influence or rights to obtain or give input about the patient, the primary focus is on individual wants/needs. That's not even going further to this specific situation (maybe they asked her and my wife didn't give permission as well, who knows but well have to wait and see)...

I contacted her landlord on Monday and after I saw her trying to be my wife's new rescuer, she seems to have burned hands (like many others before), she wrote that my wife cannot stay there anymore after she comes out from hospital, she is old and a heart and asthma patient and she asked me to find her a new place to live... I just didn't know what to reply to that, since I disagree with that, but I am gonna leave it between them to figure out later. I, of course, understand that renting a place for a highly suicidal individual is no fun for anyone, but I just wonder why did she want to get so involved (to the point of taking her to police, etc) in our relationships before, it's like she in her age didn't know how complicated situations can be. But, anyway, she didn't have any information about my wife in the hospital and my wife has a talent in making new relationships and destroying them in different ways, so that is nothing new to me only the suicide part is something really new (to this level) and something I have serious problems digesting properly...

So my current course of action - our family friend called me on Thu evening (the same one she called to rescue her from the hospital on Monday). She was planning to visit her, but I don't know when, but she promised to let me know how it looks. I haven't heard from her since. So I hope it's not because things look too bad, but maybe she will do it tomorrow. I will have to be patient.

On Friday I e-mail contact with her doc who diagnosed her with BPD, just to see if she can let me know if she has any information from the hospital and that I am worried since of not having anything from them. I don't know if she will have something for me, but last time I talked with her was Monday, so I will see if she will call me tomorrow again. She is a very nice, intelligent and humble woman. But at the moment she has no direct influence in part of the hospital where my wife is at, even though she was working 15+ years there, so at least she knows things there well.

Then on Thursday, I gave my lawyer the power of attorney to represent me. He promised me to tackle this together.  He will write to her lawyer to see ask for status on their side, regarding divorce and court, what I had just heard some hearsay from her landlord. Today I got my savings out and send her half of them. So the only thing we are left now is the car. The only way I see to split this last asset is to sell it and just split the money, but for now, I will just focus on more important issues.

So I have three possible sources I can at least get something from, bypassing the hospital policy so far to not reach out for me, that is something at least to some degree positive.

I do the gym a few times a week, I have at least three problem zones to work on, so that is good. In every morning I try to do breathing exercise and I do cold/hot exposure every day as mandatory, that seems to be the most helpful tool to alleviate strong feelings of distress. Yesterday I just decided, let's go to nature and I wanted to have some couple with me and my thoughts came trough, I picked up some tourists from Germany, showed them around, went to isolated yellow sand beach and took a swim in Atlantic ocean together, we even went up to one glacier, they were very nice and my age, both graduated as teachers, but very humble. In the end, we had exchanged with hugs, that is not so typical for reserved germans to do, I guess, but the time together was remarkable, they said it was one of the best days they had for a long time. I took the risk and turned my thoughts into being. That is something wonderful we humans can do.

I do read a lot of other situations in here, just like you, Harri, it gives me the strength to move on, somehow. I agree with that it is not just one thing, it many things that we need to find out, how we can manage a huge crisis where we feel completely uncertain about the outcome and powerless. The only thing we can do is somehow try to re-direct our thoughts so that they do not make our life as complete hell, but leave it at just suffering/tragedy. I also try to cry whenever I can, since I don't believe suppressed emotions do us any good. Well, so what I am kind of saying, there is a lot still we can do, besides the tragedies that strike us. I don't know if any of that makes sense to you, but that's the best I can come up with my over-stressed brain this evening... Maybe I just have to get some snacks from the gas station and try to take some rest.