My poem...

[Falling Jube]

A Beautiful man of Fire,
Sweet promises and prose,
Heart drifted, soul lifted,
I fell.

So completely I gave myself,
Rejecting all the clues
So completely I lost myself
On the borderline with you.

Dazzling eyes, guitar-wise
Beside you I swore to stand.
Always, Never, Alone, Together
Deep in your Borderland.

From the pedestal I tumbled,
Divine fatefulness to scorn.
Love and Plenty, Drunk and Empty
Rolls the borderline with you.

Self hate, dissociated state
I’m scared to let you go.
Trauma and pain, sunshine then rain
Moods as the wind does blow.

Gentle, dark and broken man
I’m loyal, pure and true.
But Darling, how can I continue to walk
The Borderline with you?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[ColdKnight]

If...and only if...you could do all of it over again would you?

And...if...what would you do different...?

If...

[Red5]

If...and only if...you could do all of it over again would you?

… if you knew your life partner was likely to pass away in the next few years, because of a terminal illness, would you stay, would you continue to strive to "work on the relationship"… if your life partner left you, would you want them to come back, before time runs out?

Would you?

This is my world…

Red5

[Falling Jube]

ColdKnight, I would be lying if I said I wouldn't do it all again.

What would I do differently? That is such a hard question. What if I didn't say that? react that way? did more of this? Less of that?... But I am aware that I have changed so much of myself, moved so many boundary lines, to try to become what he needed me to be. My personal and emotional needs become triggers for him... so push them down.

What if's are crazy-making.

And, regardless of what my rational brain knows, my heart has never grieved so deeply. I have never loved so deeply, never been unable to let go. Never has my head been ruled by a heart that won't even budge an inch.

He has loved me more than anyone ever has in my life. And he has left me 5x in the last year, each time calling me afterwards, intoxicated, every 4-5 days on how much he loves me, how I was the best thing that ever happened to him... and we are back in within 3-6 weeks of wallowing in the abyss. When we are back, it is spectacular, and I know why I love him so dearly... but just give it a month or two, and he leaves hurtfully and without cause, without adult discussion.

He is a man with PTSD, addiction and suicidal thoughts. He has faced extreme trauma in his life, and been through things/seen things people should not. I have so much empathy and caring, and wish I had what it took to heal him. But I don't. And I know that there is no chance for us if he does not get the help he needs. And knowing all of that does not make it any easier.

Thank you ColdKnight.

[Skip]

He is a man with PTSD, addiction and suicidal thoughts. He has faced extreme trauma in his life, and been through things/seen things people should not.

This is a special needs person...

And I know that there is no chance for us if he does not get the help he needs.

What is his addiction?

[gadget]

And, regardless of what my rational brain knows, my heart has never grieved so deeply. I have never loved so deeply, never been unable to let go. Never has my head been ruled by a heart that won't even budge an inch.

Falling Jube,

Loved your poem.  Your words above ring so true with me too.  My wife of 30 years left me.  Yet all that love was there.  This is the hardest thing that has ever happened to me.  Hang in there.  We are all here together to get though our troubles together.

Gadget

[bradio]

Hi Jube, beautiful poem and relate strongly to the story. SO hard when the head knows the answer but the heart wants it be another way. I relate to the "loved like no one else" and the "push/pull" of leaving and staying. So difficult.
When posed with the question of would I do it again...I say yes even with this awful pain...what would I do differently...I am not sure. we had 3 goes at it and each time we tried something different but the upper limits problem of loving so deeply and being so close was always the problem as it creates such fear..that fear of loss and knowing it cant be like this forever and eventually, between 2-6 months the cracks would appear again and the cycle would start..small things became big and then the splitting where I have gone from angel to devil in minutes and nothing has actually happened or changed for me but it somehow has for her...It is so hard and the what ifs, as you suggest, still kills me as well. It hurts so much for what could have been and unfortunately what is.   
I hope it gets easier for you and can really feel your pain. Thanks for the post. Cheers, Brad.