Custody of all 5 children now

[40days_in_desert]

Back in March, my uBPDxw found herself without a place to stay and our three youngest came to live full time in my house. Being the one to accommodate more than I should, I let her stay in my house during her scheduled custodial (65%) in exchange for claiming them on my tax return. This resulted in a $1,800 return for me instead of paying $2,000. I already had full custody of our two oldest (their choice). This arrangement lasted two months when I told the ex that she could only stay at my house with the children when I traveled for work which is approximately 6-8 nights a month. Then in June I filed for full custody for our three youngest with "reasonable and liberal visitation" for her. You can imagine the reaction but believe it or not she still attempted one more relationship recycle. She has been living with her bf when not staying here with the kids. Even she admitted that the bf's place is not a place that our children should be around.

Wednesday night we spoke about the upcoming court date (which was this morning) and she reluctantly agreed to sign over custody. I told her that I would be willing to revert back to her having primary as long as she showed stability by maintaining a job and a suitable place for the kids to be with her. Basically primary custody is hers to earn back and it's all legal through court.

She didn't have an attorney so I'm positive that she had no idea that the court date this morning was only an evidentiary hearing and that custody was not going to be determined if we hadn't reached an agreement and had it signed. I've found that family court works on a slow timeline but it was worth the wait to protect my children. Now their mom has to show stability before having them most of the time and it's all legal. Either she will and she gets primary custody again or she doesn't and our kids will have a stable and consistent home with me. Either way it's good news for the little ones.
Just wanted to share...

[Panda39]

Hi 40days

Congratulations on the custody switch!  And good for you and your ex to come to an agreement!  It sounds like the kids are already with you so things should be pretty seamless.

Enjoy the kiddos!

Panda39

[ForeverDad]

Courts are reluctant, very reluctant, to make major changes to custody without an extended process.  Remember, it's what is best for the children.  Some overall improvements in her life situation (residence or relationship status) does not mean primary ought to revert to her.  My point... court should also consider whether there would be basis to even make a change.  Unless you at that poinjt in time then looked worse than her then it ought to prefer not to change much if anything.

Yes, you framed things well, avoided triggering her, but you in no way promised that you'd advocate her getting primary back.

Likely she will find a level of parenting that is within her "comfort zone".  This may very well be it.

In my case... after a few returns to court I finally got an order (custody and majority time during the school year) that deflated her entitlement sufficiently.  That was nearly 6 years ago and we haven't returned to court since then.  Our son ages out of the court system early next year.

[40days_in_desert]

Panda - Thank you and I am enjoying it. If you would have asked me 6 years ago whether I could work a full time job that involves traveling and raising 5 children close to full time every day I would have thought it near impossible. My oldest daughter just turned 18 so she does her own thing now. D15 helps some but I let her be a teenager for the most part. My three youngest D10, D8 and S8 (twins) are good kids so it's enjoyable. I'm glad to have them as much as I have the past several months but not for the reason why.

Forever Dad - I did try and do it without triggering her. It is at my discretion that she regains custody as the criteria in the court order states. I'm not saying that I'm optimistic of her getting to where she needs to be. She has never lived on her own and was unable to manage her finances when she was receiving as much money from me as she is making on her own now without having to pay rent and utilities, cell phone, insurance, etc. She was living with her mother.

She is in therapy although I'm not aware if she has an official diagnosis at this point. She mentions terms relevant to DBT which leads me to believe that maybe she has a BPD diagnosis. Best case scenario is that she gets better and learns to "adult" enough to be the mother that our kids need. If not I'm prepared to take care of them full time for the next 10 years.

[worriedStepmom]

Great job!  I'm so happy for you and your kids.

[Grady]

You handled that perfectly.  I'm glad your kids are with you!  Hopefully she does get the help she needs, but right now, you know your kids are safe and sound and where they need to be.