Aspergers and BPD

[zachira]

One of my family members who is a licensed therapist recently suggested that one of my siblings has Aspergers, and I have found that indeed my sibling better meets the criteria for Aspergers than BPD, though this sibling does have some BPD traits as well. It prompted me to read the book: "Aspergers in Love" which talks about how being in a relationship in which one member has Aspergers, high functioning autism, affects relationships. Eighty percent of marriages in which one partner has Aspergers end in divorce. Aspergers is a developmental disorder in which the more severly affected have no capacity for empathy or to understand what goes on in the mind of another person. I now see that a man I was attracted to would likely meet the criteria for Aspergers if evaluated by a qualified mental health professional. I find that some people with Aspergers are easy to spot. Others who are higher functioning, can act normal until the relationship becomes more solidified, and the partner finally realizes that he/she is with someone who will never have any real empathy for others, a common complaint voiced here about a partner with BPD. I think it is likely that many people who we think have BPD could also have Aspergers or maybe don't have BPD just Aspergers. This topic interests me, as there are many disorders characterized by the inability to have empathy for others and the person who is affected is completely self absorbed. I highly recommend reading "Aspergers in Love" as it really discusses in depth relationships with a person with no capacity for empathy.

[Cat Familiar]

I’m not convinced that people with Aspergers have no empathy. I believe they miss social cues and don’t understand why someone is responding they way they are—which might be interpreted as not having empathy.

Think of Greta Thurnburg. She seems to feel deep empathy and she’s an Aspie.

[ct21218]

I worked at a world renowned program for autism for a number of years.  People on the autism spectrum have difficulties with social and communication functions.  It is extremely different from BPD.  People on the spectrum have difficulties forming social connection, they are not manipulative, and they simply do not understand social cues.  They can be very smart with zero social intelligence.  One of the most profound examples I ever saw was a man with autism who had worked for 20 years as a statistician.  He could do complex equations but didn't understand things that are common sense to you and I.  He stepped in dog poop once and since he saw that he had a problem with his shoes, he went to the shoe store to solve his problem.  This was logical to him.  

People with BPD do not lack empathy either.  Narcissists and people with ASPD do not care if another is hurt, but many people with BPD have deep empathy.  A person with BPD may be so wrapped up in their own chaos to acknowledge what another people is going through, but it is not true that as a group they don't care.

[ct21218]

I will add that people with BPD may not appear to have empathy because they are run by their emotions at any given time.  They often carry a lot of shame as well and may have a huge lack of insight into the problems their behavior is causing. 

The man I worked with with autism didn't run on emotion at all.  His thoughts were like this - I see my relatives that have relationships, they are happy.  For me to be happy I should do that.  But there was no desire for social connection.  I imagine that if he had a relationship he would be annoyed by the other person's behavior and the day to day habits.  People with BPD look for others to fill that hole inside them, to feel wanted.

[zachira]

Here is an explanation from "Aspergers in Love" about empathy:
"Question: I have read that having AS means I cannot show empathy. I believe I do empathize with those around me, so is this true?
According to the Collins Dictionary empathy means the 'power of understanding and imaginatively entering into another person's feeling'. This is the true meaning of empathy and hence the answer to the question, 'Can people wiht Asperger's Syndrome empathisize with others' is no. So why is it that many people with AS believe they can empathize? Having Asperger syndrome does not equate to having no feelings and it does not mean being unable to recall those feelings and apply them to someone else in a situation that the AS adult perceives to be similar to the one he was once in. These feelings though, will be based purely on the AS person's memory of how he felt, he will not be able to connect with or imagine the feelings of the other person."
That being said, any one that meets the criteria for a developmental disorder like Aspergers or a mental health disorder like BPD or has some of the characteristics of any disorder will be unique in their own way. Clearly some people with Aspergers and BPD are less impaired when it comes to empathy and more impaired in other areas.
The reason I posted this, is we can be so frustrated with the ongoing lack of empathy of our disordered family members and partners and it can help to be more compassionate if we realize that this person just is not capable of empathy or has a limited capacity for empathy. Certainly, the lack of empathy demonstrated by many of my disordered family members fits Aspergers better than BPD though some meet the criteria for BPD as well; Aspergers runs in families whereas BPD seems to be a combination of environmental factors and inherited tendencies.