Please help. I can’t live this way

[Tearyeyes]

My husband and I have been married for 10 years.  We have a huge fight at least once a month. It’s starts as something small involving our 6 year old child and then turns into comments like “ You don’t love me, You never support me”. He is a very black and white thinker and I tend to see the gray. We argue about intentions all the time. When I say,” my intention wasn’t to hurt you, my attention wasn’t to upset you” it infuriates him. If I paraphrase and don’t say exactly what he said in arguments he says I am lying or twisting the truth. The emotion and verbal abuse is out of control. He says I am ruining our child to me in front of her. He tells me I need to get help because my way of thinking is f*up. He says I live in a fairytale because everything is perfect and I think I am perfect. He sees fault in every person in our lives my family members, his family members, coworkers, friends. He detached from everyone because he has these expectations for people and when they do not meet expectations then he has no empathy for them. We do not see the world the same and we are constantly fighting and the abuse she is hurting me. After these fights he ends up in a child like position crying and then sleeps for a day and then apologizes.  I’m changing who I am as a person. I’m sick of defending myself and I am worried about my daughter being exposed to all of this. Please help me find peace in this relationship or strength to get out.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

So sorry you are dealing with all this, Tearyeyes.    I'm glad you've found us. Please keep posting and tell us more about your story. I'm going to move your thread over to the Bettering board. There you will learn strategies that will help calm things in your relationship and you will learn how to communicate with your husband in a way that lessen his reactivity.

[10kHurdles]

I came to this board to maybe make my first post. I read this by @tearyeyes ... and it is almost exactly the same as what I would've written. (Thank you. I am perhaps an exceptionally non-emotional man; but this also made my eyes tear up.)

It's my wife. And in fact, our 10th wedding anniversary is coming up very soon.

Except our "huge fights" are weekly, at least. And yeah, they can last days. And what triggers it, typically, is when I do something (or fail to do something) that makes her feel like I don't care about her. When she is escalated, she rants about how I don't care about her; I never put her first and I always put myself first; I judge her or think she is "bad;" I never really wanted her.

Even when it's not about our kids, the kids (6 and 8) hear the anger and the nasty verbal abuse.

I spent years capitulating. Trying to be a better partner for her. Giving up almost all of my other relationships, to focus on her needs, and our relationship. Always hoping things would get better.

This year, I read "Stop Walking on Eggshells" and "Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder." She goes to therapy and a psychiatrist. I see my own therapist. And we go to couples therapy. (I am so grateful for all the support.) She takes meds for bipolar and depression. Nobody has discussed BPD (and I wouldn't dare mention it, myself). I have been trying to learn and apply the skills like those discussed on this website.

But it was a bad night, last night. And a bad morning, today. Sometimes I feel like I am running out of willingness to practice the skills, and continue to deal with it. I am now sitting in my office, but I cannot even work because I am so drained and stressed.

I love my wife and my kids. We are well-off, live in a beautiful town and I believe we could have such a wonderful life. I want things to be "normal." Or at least "more normal!" So much of the time, it feels hopeless.

Is there hope? I also can't live this way...for very much longer. I need help.

[ColdKnight]

10k and Teary,

You guys still out there?

[n0b0dy]

It's not exactly about improving the relationship, but these videos changed my position:

https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=katie+morton+toxic+relationships

Also this might be useful https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=katie+morton+codependency

And finally she has a lot of BPD-related videos

[Stillhopeful4]

HI Tearyeyes,

comments like “ You don’t love me, You never support me”. He is a very black and white thinker and I tend to see the gray.

Wow can I relate to this.  I have been with my wife for 10 years as well (she just moved out for the 10th time last week).  She says these EXACT same words.  The fact is I do love her and support mostly everything she does.  I've stood by her side with all the times she's moved out.  She is a very black & white thinker as well.  She either loves a person or hates them.  THis goes for family and friends as well as our kids and dogs.

If I paraphrase and don’t say exactly what he said in arguments he says I am lying or twisting the truth. The emotion and verbal abuse is out of control.

I'm in shock...she says this as well.  Constantly says I'm lying and TWISTING things.  I don't lie and I don't twist.  I say things like they are...always.  I'm a very open and honest person.  (I hate hearing the words "you're just going to TWIST this").

I hear you about loving your wife and kids and believing you can have a wonderful life together.  I feel the same way.  I'm trying to get as much advise as I can from people here that have so much successful experience with dealing with this and also use the lessons to help me understand and change how I approach/react to things.

Best of luck to you,
SH4

[Olaf]

Oh my god. I know everyone is saying the same thing but this is like reading a documentary of my life. The fights over twisting things, saying that I'm damaging her will to live by lying and not taking responsibility for what I've said when I never said that at all. It's so sad that anyone else has to deal with this but it proves that nothing I could have said would have made any difference, except maybe to make it worse.

No answers, just sympathy. No hope really, except I hope you find some.

[1315]

My wife has moved 3 times, the latest was August 11. This was completely out of nowhere. She got an apartment and moved in a week. She told me she wants a divorce. We are meeting with an attorney in one week to draw up the paperwork. This is all happening so fast. My life has been turned upside down. I love my wife immensely. I have never wanted a divorce. I recently discovered BPD and I strongly believe she suffers from this. Reading many of the stories here are carbon copies of my experience. This time seems different than the other times she has left. She seems more resolute and in a hurry to get rid of me. I worry about her well being. That's the craziness for me...she has cast me aside, thrown me away and I still love her and worry about her. She told me she no longer loves me...very painful. Total devastation. Stay strong...