My Brother - He's Not BPD But Difficult Person - What To Do?

[TelHill]

I have one sibling a brother who is six years older than me.  He's never outgrown sibling rivalry that he started when we were kids.

He's passive aggressive and insulting.   He is high functioning and has  good job. He is such a show off about his material goods and so-called friends.   He is like that guy in your office who takes credit for your work, talks over you at meetings and repeats the brilliant suggestion you say at a meeting ten minutes later when he sees no one else has reacted to it.

I've tried to bond with him for years. I've brought up the BPD my mom has and how to best handle her together.  Changes the subject.

He takes money and gifts from them. He visits once a week. I've asked him nicely to help out with our parents. Of course, he says he will.  He does zero. I've called him and keep asking. I remain calm until the insults start. I start to yell back. Then he calls me a troublemaker and hangs up. I realize now he is goading me to become angry so he can slither out of the help he has promised. Another tactic of the passive-aggressive perhaps?

He was here yesterday for a ten minute visit. I had a horrible panic attack after he left yesterday. If it weren't for my caretaking my parents, I would cut him out of my life.

I have a lot more to write on this. I am always so upset when I think of his terrible, abusive behavior towards me. I can't really continue now

I will say well-meaning therapists have said he's a victim too. Reach out to him and understand. He'll eventually come around. I've been waiting for 30 years. He has not.

Does anyone else have a difficult sibling who treats you with disdain, gives you nothing but expects a lot from you?

Not sure what to do here. Sigh.

[Harri]

Hi TelHill. 

My relationship with my brother got better after my parents died but it took time and a lot of work and confrontations to get there.  I don't know if that is possible for you and your brother though.  I think we got lucky as my mom played us against each other all of our lives with me being the wild, disobedient, family wrecker who was all bad.  There is still some of that dynamic that lingers but things are way better though I would not say we are friends.  We are there for each other in emergencies and love each other but from a distance.

What your Ts have said about your brother being a victim is, I think, true.  Even if he is the 'golden child' it is a highly abusive position to be in.  That said, it is not excuse for him to treat you poorly and abuse you.  I think we all learn some very poor coping skills growing up with a disordered parent(s).  How could we not?  We are still responsible for how we treat others.

Have you tried applying the tools we talk about here when interacting with your brother?  Along with detaching emotionally and recognizing the root of his behaviors so you can depersonalize them to an extent can help quite a bit.  As Panda39 says here a lot, learn to be a neutral observer when dealing with him. 

I don't know if it is possible to do that with him, you are the best judge of that.  We can help you and support you whatever you decide.  At this point, since you are dealing with him in regards to your parents, using the tools and learning some coping strategies for you might be best.  Boundaries will be very important with him just like they are with your parents.

When you can, share more and we can talk.   

[TelHill]

Hey Harri,

Detach and disengage are what I plan to do. I've got a lot on my plate besides my parents and my brother. Calming down to think clearly is needed. It's not worth getting so worked up. I don't have to resolve now. It may be after the parents pass away that he comes around but I don't expect the friends part either.

Yes, bpd mom did play us against each other.   It is mostly that I'm the scapegoat and he's the golden child to mom. When she plays us against each other now I can turn into the golden child and he's the scapegoat. Obviously, bpd mom does what relieves her bpd issue at that time - just pawns to be moved around. Dad's stable and the roles are set - I'm daddy's girl and he doesn't measure up sometimes.

I'm not sure what people mean by being the rebel and the bad one when you're the scapegoat. With my mom, it's that you are doing something wrong and are incompetent. I did stand up for myself as a kid and adult, but I never rebelled.  I don't want to presuppose so if anyone wants to answer, I'd appreciate it.

My parents come from a small town rural area. My brother was born there and spent five years there surrounded by relatives and was partially raised by them. Kind of like being raised by a village. They moved to an urban/suburban area a year before I was born. That support system fell away. There was a relative close by but they weren't helpful to them.

My mom never adjusted to being the sole mommy in her new environment. She's a sharp lady (emotionally not though)and was always busy doing housework, fixing things around the house (a bit of a handyman) or reading.I wasn't allowed to go have friends. She was hands off except when the rages came out. She wanted to be alone almost always doing her stuff. She complained about being bored a lot.

I did notice something was wrong with her at about age 3 or 4. My dad told me that she was sick around then. I knew he meant sick in the mind. I had to be strong. He emphasized the strong part a lot.  

I wanted to help her around the house and that would bring out rages. So, I stopped. To make a long story a bit shorter, I was alone since she wanted to be alone.  I did what came naturally and followed my interests which were of the academic/scientific bent.  I watched a lot of TV, listened to a lot of music and read everything I could get my hands on.  Back then it wasn't a prized way to be for girls. It was considered weird and plain old odd.  I was bullied at school for having nerdy interests. I had such little comfort from mom. I stopped talking to kids in school and kept up the schoolwork. I love to learn new things. I am the type of person loves to read maps and dictionaries.

My brother is this way too. But it was accepted for his gender.  

He left home for high school (not a prep school or boarding school - we weren't rich) when I was 8.  I barely saw him. We went to our respective schools. That was it for a long time. I contacted him when I was a young adult, but he'd be afraid when we started to get closer. He'd pull away. I gave up.

We worked in different fields and in different parts of our large metro area. I only saw him once a month at our parents' place. That changed in the last ten years where it was more frequent as our parents were aging.  He still wanted to see me as a bratty, little girl who was not his equal.  He knew what I did for a living and he couldn't accept it ever. He was acting like he had to outdo  me with knowledge.   It was offputting. All of my female cousins took the traditional route of stay at home and non-academic pursuits.  Most of my male cousins are in the trades and don't read or like to discuss ideas. He wanted me to be like my female cousins.   My SIL has similar interests to my brother which is odd, considering his behavior towards me.  

It's frustrating too because he refuses to do much of anything to help my parents. This is fairly common in families. It's not unusual, I know. Mom says it's ok. Then you have the hot potato that no one wants to catch - bpd mom.  

[TelHill]

Am replying to my own message because I missed the window of opportunity to modify. Sorry for the grammatical issues and missing words.

It's 20 degrees warmer here than usual. I'm stuck in the house alone and feeling a bit sad & tired. Very few places with AC because is rarely necessary. Except for today, darn it!

 Not a great day.  Feeling the pain for longer than usual. I'm repeating that saying by Winston Churchill - When you're going through h3ll, keep going through it.

[Harri]

Hi TelHill. 

I am glad you are reaching out here for support, especially on your tougher days.   I get it.

I think your plan to detach is good.  We can still interact but be less reactive and instead focus on responding in healthier ways.  Usually that means with boundaries and those coupled with the tools can help a lot.

Though I was mostly split black, sometimes my mom would alternate black white between my brother and I like yours does.  I found it bewildering when I was younger and frustrating and sad when I was older and finally clued into what was going on.

I'm not sure what people mean by being the rebel and the bad one when you're the scapegoat.

I'm not to clear on this either.  From what I can gather, people see the scapegoat role as not conforming to the family dysfunction.  I agree to a point, however, if you read Bowen's theory on Family systems, you will see that the role of the rebel is an indication of being poorly differentiated as are some of the other assigned (or assumed) roles.  I don't use some of the terms used here and other internet sites as there is not clear (to me) definition.   I will use split white (golden child) and split black (all bad/scapegoat) but I think that is about it.

He still wanted to see me as a bratty, little girl who was not his equal.

That sounds very frustrating.  I can get very angry when my brother slips back into that mindset.  Do you say anything to him when he does it?  Like "hey, I am not your little sister anymore" or my favorite, tho not necessarily recommended, is "stop talking to me like I am an idiot".     I think though, that while they can have our roles set in their mind, we can, over time realize that is their issue.  Again, detaching, boundaries and differentiation will help with this.  Recognize other people have their opinions, and they do not need to define us.

What you shared indicates a lot of neglect, both in terms of physical proximity but perhaps more damaging, there was a lot of emotional neglect.  That is abuse. 

I did what came naturally and followed my interests which were of the academic/scientific bent.  I watched a lot of TV, listened to a lot of music and read everything I could get my hands on.

Wow, you were determined and tenacious it sounds like.  good for you.  You found effective ways to cope!  I get that it made you different and that must have been very difficult to deal with.  I am simply impressed with what you were able to do for yourself despite all the odds against you.   

Keep talking here.  We're listening. 

[TelHill]

I have said that to my brother and mom jumps in with stop bothering him or he ignores me.  It's annoying and childish on his part. I will detach, do a modified gray rock and use my best poker face.  I've often wondered if those with sisters who belittle younger sisters are given the same advice to try? Give your sister a chance. Don't know. Women can often be vilified when men are excused for the same behavior.

Yes about the neglect.  What I've shared is the tip of the iceberg about her and my dad.  When I was four, each would pick me up and ask the same question - who do you love better? Me or the other parent? I answered that I loved the parent most who was holding me. I don't want you to punish me and I'm lying is what I was thinking.  My mom spit on me...lots of more awful things that I'm certain most of us with a bpd parent can relate to. I don't want to trigger with more.  

Living with them now, she's thrown away the keys to my place, thrown away some clothing, shaken me hard in the middle of the night while I'm sleeping.  I told her to stop snooping in my room earlier in the day when I caught her. That's why she shook me.  It's this truly bizarre behavior 30% of the time and normal behavior 10%, 60% is somewhat odd that can be mitigated by the suggestions at this site/gray rocking.

Thanks for the compliment. It was just within me to fight against the injustice of my treatment. It's not special but necessary to keep going.

I've had issues with finding good therapists because of being capable, professional looking & sounding.  I'm not believed that is like it was. One therapist said little girls often have fantasies of their mothers doing bad things. Huh?  

Has anyone ever read The Depressed Person by David Foster Wallace?  This short story is easy to find for free online.

The late David Foster Wallace had mental health issues and substance abuse problems  as most know.  Not a guy I would have wanted to date or befriend for certain. There's lots of layers within the story. I bring it up because the therapist The Depressed Person sees is similar to many I have seen.  Group speak or buzzwords are used a lot.  

The therapy consists of spur of the moment suggestions.  I was laughing at the absurdity of the therapist, but cringing because I knew there are therapists like this.  Paint by numbers (routine) vs Picasso (the fine art of looking at the whole patient, being prescient, using one's intuition to read subtext/body language, facial tics, the words and stories they repeat, etc.).   It's a good short story if you haven't read it.

[TelHill]

Another addendum - I find this board the most helpful source for dealing with BPD.  I appreciate the admins & ambassadors who compiled and perhaps wrote the site content.

Am glad that therapists have more double-blind studies regarding BPD these days & Marsha Linehan DBT's modality exists.  It wasn't that way when I started therapy in the mid 90s. 

Not all therapists are trained to handle it all. I saw one last year (Ph.D) who told me my mom might have PTSD instead of the BPD she was diagnosed with by a psychiatrist.  I talked to her beforehand about this issue. It was disappointing. 

TY, again, to those who make this site possible!