Divorce is Imminent

[turtleengine501]

Hi everyone,

I have started divorce proceedings after being in a relationship with my husband for 26 years (20 married). He was diagnosed with BPD 6 years ago and it really explained much of our relationship to that point. He worked on himself, by himself (refused to continue counseling, however) and he was really trying to "fix himself". I will say he improved, but still struggles (and doesn't realize he struggles).

I have been disengaged from our relationship for 18 months after his latest emotional affair with another woman (there have been two--the first prompting the BPD diagnosis). He became angry and sullen that I wouldn't recommit to him because he was sorry. I became so unhappy within the marriage that I wasn't sleeping and I started to have severe physical symptoms that started to affect my everyday life, my parenting of my children, and my work.

The pain I have suffered with this man is beyond measure and goes very deep. I can't think of one person in my life who really knows what I have been through. I have no friends and several friends over time have told me they couldn't stand to watch how he treated me and they exited from my life.

I am the daughter of an alcoholic (which for all the research I've done attracted me to my BPD spouse in the first place). For a long time my only sense of self was through his perceptions of me. About 6 years ago, something in me changed and I no longer played into his baiting and gaslighting. Things have really been downhill from there as he wants things they way they used to be. He tells me he can't wait until our children are grown and out of the house and he will then have me all to himself again.

I have two children; ages 11 and 14. My 14-year old "gets" it and wants us to divorce. The catalyst for this move was when he went after her one night the same way he used to go after me when things were at their worst. The emotional abuse of me was one thing, but I couldn't stand by and let my child suffer like that and have him scar her the way he has scarred me. It was bad enough she had been adjacent to the emotional abuse all these years--the guilt I feel is unbearable at times. Something in me snapped and there was no longer a question of making this marriage work.

We had to leave our home with basically nothing (he would not leave so it was my only option) except the clothes on our backs and start rebuilding our lives (thank god for my family support system). He comes to my new rental home everyday (finding things he "must" talk to me about), calls me at least 2-3 times a day, and texts me more than I can count (he has called twice and texted 3 times since I started this post). The only reason he hasn't shown up at my work is that I told him I will call the police if he shows up at my office (after a terrible incident the last time I left him briefly 4 years ago).

He keeps trying to get me to come home. I have not served papers yet as I am still trying to see if I can get belongings out of my house before I give him exclusive rights to the house since I have signed a lease on a new house. I know that once he is served things are going to get even uglier.

My 11 year old is suffering greatly and blames me for the situation we find ourselves in. He tells her he's going to "fix it" and cries and blames me for it all in front of her. She's angry that she isn't at "home" and he continually tells her our new house will never be her home.

I am reaching out at this point to find out if anyone who has left a relationship with someone with BPD has any advice for how to navigate this break up. The struggle is that I can't cut off ties because we have the two minor children, who for better or worse, need their dad in their lives. I am empathetic to his pain and suffering as I leave, but I can't ignore my own any longer.

Thanks in advance for any feedback.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Enabler]

Hi TurtleEngine,

Welcome to BPD Family. Sorry to see you here but glad you've found us. We most definitely have the experience you're looking for (although I am not it) with many members who've exited relationships similar to yours. I have no doubts they will interject and ask you some more questions to clarify your situation.

You sound like you have a very good handle on what to expect and being very diligent in focusing on outcomes based on probable behaviours. This is so important, acting with control and precision can save a lot of additional drama, well done.

In many respects you sound like you are safe in your apartment and with restrictions around work, that said, it sounds like you and your children have not been safe in the past at all. Do you feel safe when he comes to the apartment or you permitting it out of FOG (fear, obligation and guilt)?

Enabler 

[Cat Familiar]

I know this sounds odd, but I’m going to relocate your post to the Bettering board. The reason I’m doing that is because you still have contact with him and you will likely be dealing with a contentious divorce.

On the Bettering board, you’ll learn strategies that will help you turn down the temperature and keep things calmer when you do have to interact.

Best, Cat

[turtleengine501]

Thank you for your response, Enabler. It was a boost I needed this morning.

Acting with control and precision is exactly the right word for it, although I am being accused of being cold and heartless. I appreciate that perspective on it. It was interesting, one of the reasons I fought the idea of divorce was because of the loss of control--having courts and lawyers making decisions. Once I accepted that inevitability, it was freeing to plan to leave.

I will say that my spouse was only physical with me once in our 26 years together. He is a big guy and knows how to be physically intimidating without being physical. His MO is more anger and emotional abuse. I feel safe, just completely overwhelmed and drained when he comes to my home. I am definitely doing if out of FOG (a new term to me but it defines so much of my adult life).

Thanks for reaching out!

[turtleengine501]

Thank you CatFamiliar!

[Enabler]

The less emotion you can hold in the interactions the better from what I understand. Divorce isn’t a pleasant thing, neither is separation, especially when you’re separating from someone who has wide bandwidth when it comes to emotions. Acting in the methodical way you seem to be is likely in both you and your kids interest. It’s likely the kindest thing for your H as well.

It strikes me that your boundaries are pretty shot. It’s almost inevitable in a turbulent relationship such as this that holding your boundaries is near impossible, especially when you feel physically intimidated. One such boundary is “my space ... your space”. I know you want to maintain the peace to achieve your goals and get your things out of the property, but there will come a point where you will likely want to say “NO MORE COMING IN MY SPACE”. How do you feel about that and do you think it will be easier or harder the longer he is allowed to “make excuses” to come and visit?

Enabler