Hello. Uncertain about how to know the truth.

[Newstart341]

Hi--
I'm writing because after years of marital struggle, reading tons of books about improving one's marriage, working on myself through counseling, etc., and being in a quandary, "do I stay or do I go," I'm wondering for the first time if the issue is that perhaps my SO has BPD.  I've experienced all of the usual: depression, self-blame, wondering if I'm crazy, etc., but looking at events as objectively as I can, I think BPD may be it.  I'm interested in hearing about other people's experiences--in particular, how you've gained clarity about what's really going on in a relationship, when your partner consistently blames you for the problems and denies or minimizes his role.  It's particularly hard to see clearly because--of course--I'm not blameless!   But I've had a hard time seeing where my responsibility for our situation ends, and I keep hoping that if I just do XY or Z, he'll come around.  I'm coming to see that his role is greater than I've recognized, but still, constantly doubting, and uncertain about how to know the truth.  Thanks for any thoughts!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Ozzie101]

Hi and welcome, Newstart!

Yes, the feelings you've experienced are not unheard of around here. I, too, blamed myself for my H's rages and our problems. I was sure it was my fault.

You asked about our experiences. My H had always had a bit of a temper and could be very sensitive and have out-of-bounds reactions to things: fury over what seemed like a tiny slight. But last year, two years into our marriage, there were a series of stressful events that I believe triggered about 6 months of dysregulations: verbal and emotional abuse, violent tantrums. I thought I had really screwed up.

Realization came one night when he was in tantrum mode. Something about his mannerisms struck me: He reminded me of a toddler. Another night not long after, he told me he believed I had been sexually molested by my father or grandfather. I was horrified that he would say something like that. But it gave me clarity. No one who knew my father or knew me would rationally suggest such a thing. That was the first time I thought, "You know, this may not be me. He may have a real problem."

I started doing internet research, started posting in a mental health support group and someone there mentioned BPD to me. I found the book Stop Walking on Eggshells and it led me here. It was like having a lightbulb (or a full-on floodlight) come on. Everything suddenly made sense. Since coming here, I've found support, understanding, and a whole lot of tools and skills that have helped make a huge difference.

Just curious, what behaviors of your H led you to suspect BPD?