don't want to lose my partner

[Cliffton]

I am in a relationship with my partner who I believe undoubtedly suffers with BPD although she hasn't been officially diagnosed but I am 100% sure she has given my experience with BPD ( a former close friend who I lost to BPD) and the very nature of her actions and history. My problem is that I love her with all my heart and at the moment she has left our home ( we have lived together for the last 12 months). She is at the moment still in touch with me by text and says she still loves me. I am unsure whether to maintain this contact...

I have earlier today after an upsetting phone call asked her to only contact me again when she knows she wants to give us another go.

I know she will have trouble letting go of me but equally don't want to prolong my agony if I will just be dangled until the next attachment comes along?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Ozzie101]

Hi Cliffton and welcome!

That is a difficult situation to deal with. Since you're familiar with BPD, you know it can be something of a roller coaster where the ups and downs can be even more severe.

No one here will tell you whether you should keep up the relationship or not. Only you can decide that. We can, however, offer advice and help you navigate whichever path you choose to take.

I hope you don't mind if I ask a couple of questions. Has something like this happened between you two before in your relationship? What precipitated her moving out?

[Radcliff]

Let me join Ozzie101 in welcoming you.  She asks some good questions.  Your answers will help us support you better.

RC

[Cliffton]

We haven’t split before but have always had an ‘up and down’ relationship having had a lot of other issues to contend with in our first 12 months - the split was I believe precipitated by the loss of her daughter who relocated back to live with her father in a different part of the country.

[Radcliff]

Thanks for the additional info.  You told her not to contact you until she was ready to commit to the relationship.  Has she contacted you since then?

RC

[Cliffton]

Yes, we’ve had contact since then by message etc  - all non verbal. She’s saying she still loves me and misses me, etc but her head and heart are a mess...

[Ozzie101]

A big, stressful event like her daughter leaving can certainly trigger an episode -- or, at least, that's how it's been for my H.

How are you feeling about things, knowing what you know about BPD and her situation? She says her head and heart are a mess (which seems to at least show some self awareness). Have you responded to her messages?

[Radcliff]

Telling someone not to contact you until their intentions were clear about the relationship is something that could work fine for a relationship with another "non" but is not likely to be effective with someone who's head and heart are a mess.  She knows what she feels at the current time, and how she feel may fluctuate.  Thinking logically and maintaining a steady course are likely to be more difficult.

The reason you said this is totally understandable.  You're trying to protect yourself.  An alternative to saying not to contact you is to take things slow.  Don't get in too deep too fast.  Keep the contact going but allow some distance if she needs it.

A simple message like, "I care for you deeply and I'm here when you're ready to talk" can work.  You're giving her space and time to get sorted out.  Use this space to rejuvenate yourself, reconnect with friends, etc.  Does this make sense?

RC

[Cliffton]

Absolute sense - we're now maintaining contact at a distance via text and the odd phone call and have agreed to meet up in around 10 days to see where we go from here..

Thanks for the input everyone - much appreciated.

As an aside how do you change your user name or delete your membership to rejoin under different guise for confidentiality reasons.

[Radcliff]

When you meet with her, what are the various possibilities for how the two of you might proceed from there?

For any questions about your membership, contact one of the Board Admins listed at the top of the page.  You can click on their names and then click on the link to send them a personal message.

RC