Feeling down.

[WishIKnew82]

Hi Guys


How do you guys deal with your ex bpd badmouthing you behind your back?
I have been doing quite well after breaking up with my ex bpd years ago now. Have dated again. Just living my life and kind of forgetting he ever existed.

But yesterday I was on my instagram just clicking away and I suddenly saw a comment from him on a post of a mutual aquaintance. I was shocked! I should've blocked him but I like to control my own experience and I felt quite strong that I never looked at his social media for all these years. But here he was. I couldn't resist. Well. He is a huge *sshole. He has several posts relating to me. And this just in the past year! I wish I didn't care to read all he wrote but it still hurts so much after all I've done for him. All those years where he never did anything for me. Ever. But he is STILL badmouthing me on his social media. Not every post ofcourse. But after going through them every 4 or 5 posts there is some reference to me. Sometimes by name. Sometimes by description. Sometimes without any direct connection to me but still obviously about me.

He claims half of the women have BPD. He calls me toxic. Horrible other names I can't repeat. Talks in a more general sense about men being destroyed by women with BPD and he knows cause he has been with one toxic c*nt.

I kind of wish I treated him bad in a way so that I can get some feeling of revenge from him saying these things. But I didn't. That is the worst of it all. He has created this evil being and he can't let it go. It has been years now. The absurd thing is that every single thing he has posted sounds exactly how he himself is. If I didn't know it came from him and I would read it, I would think it was ABOUT him! What kind of projection is going on here.

When I saw his name I just got curious and wanted to check if he finally moved on and stopped being such a hateful vengeful person for no reason. I am not responsible for his sh*tty life. For his selfharming behaviour. For his suicidal threats and attempted suicides. Im sorry he is suffering but he was suffering when I met him. That is why I was pulled in. I felt sorry for him and tried to help. Even when we broke up I thought he might kill himself and it would be my fault. Now years later he is the same mentally ill person but just more angry.

But what I hope you guys can help me with is how can I accept this hateful nonsense going on behind my back?  Why is he still doing this? When will he stop doing this?
I don't like seeing people liking his posts not knowing how terribly unfair they are. I don't like knowing that, even though I won't be checking his social media, he is saying things about me while Im just trying to live my life peacefully.

Has anyone experienced anything like this? Years after a relationship.
Sorry for the rant. Im really upset about this. How to deal with this?  

Thanks so much!  

[I Am Redeemed]

Hi WishIknew82,

This is difficult and frustrating indeed, and I can relate. I left my stbx ubpdh nearly two years ago; there was still some contact until around this time last year when I went full NC because he was still being abusive and I felt that I was in danger.

Since then, he has made several posts on social media about toxic people, etc., accused me of parental alienation, accused me of leaving because I was cheating on him, accused me of leaving him because I was on drugs, and basically painted a whole picture of how I did him so wrong after all he had done for me. Pretty much everything that he did, he accused me of on a social media platform.

I try to stay off his social media, like you, but I have also accidentally stumbled across some posts made by him as well as having some of my friends show me things he has posted. It really can be maddening and there is an instinct to "make it right" somehow, defend myself, set the record straight, so to speak. However, social media is already filled with that kind of drama, and it would do me no good to participate in it. People will believe what they want to, and I do feel that if anyone knows my ex for a long enough time period they will not be able to deny that something is way off.

In situations like this, I think it just comes down to radical acceptance. Your ex is who he is. He has not changed, and he likely won't unless he develops some self-awareness and puts in the effort to change. Anyone who knows you and the situation will not take what he says seriously. Anyone else who doesn't, well, unfortunately, there isn't much we can do about their perception of things. I had to just decide to myself that it didn't matter. Those who are close to me know the truth, and I have decided to be okay with that.

When I see evidence that my ex is still the mentally ill, miserable person who blames me, his mom, his boss, the government, and the world at large for his problems that are so obviously caused by his own choices and behavior, I do struggle for a time with it but eventually I realize that this is nothing but confirmation that I made the right decision in ending the relationship, that none of my efforts to help him worked nor would they now, and I just breathe a sigh of relief that my life has changed for the better since I got out of the dangerous cycle of our r/s- I shudder to think of where I would be or what I would be going through had I stayed.

[WishIKnew82]

Exactly. I recognize almost everything you say. Thank you!

But do you have a idea why they are still thinking and feeling this. Will it ever stop? I feel like I need to have some reassurance that I can live my life without all this negative energy from him looming over me. It isn't like I am unable to live happily knowing he hates me and talks sh*t behind my back. It is just that I feel like I want to know if it will stop. If ever!

Do you think your ex will ever get a proper diagnoses? (not saying you should care in your case). Cause I think I would feel such a relief if his psychologist of 10 years will tell him that he will not get better with antidepressants cause his issue isn't just depression and anxiety. I can't believe how obvious his issues are and how he hasn't been diagnosed yet with BPD. But I guess everyone just walks on eggshells around him and keeps their distance in order to not get on his bad side. Including his psychologist. 

Like you still breathing a sigh of relief thinking of how incredibly dreadful my life was with him. 

[I Am Redeemed]

I don't think my ex is likely to get a proper diagnosis because he will not go to counseling, and even when he did, I had to tell the counselor what was really going on. He was dx at that time with PTSD and depression with psychotic features. The last time he went to jail for assaulting me, I asked for a psychological evaluation, and the psychologist mentioned that he fit the criteria for BPD. But I don't know if that counts as a formal diagnosis, and the court did not order any psychological treatment. He avoids anything to do with mental health services.

I don't really know why they still actively hold a grudge for years, unless it's just part of living life in victim mode. I don't think my ex would know how to define himself without the victim label. I have personally witnessed him getting himself worked up into a vindictive, bitter, angry state over something that happened twenty or thirty years ago, though. I guess maybe all the offenses, slights, and hurts that others have caused, real or imagined, are permanently circling around in his mind, like reliving trauma over and over, and unless he works through the issues in therapy, they will stay unresolved and the tapes will keep playing in his mind.