Sometimes I can get overwhelmed and want to feel supported.

[ortac77]

Haven't posted for a while although I still read through the boards as they help me to keep my sense of perspective, something I find helpful in living with a pwbpd.

It is probably stating the obvious but I think one of the greatest difficulties in these relationships is how we deal with our personal stressful situations without triggering our partner. Being human, from time to time I get stressed by the rigours of life just like everybody and although I have good coping strategies sometimes I can get overwhelmed and want to feel supported.

I have had a stressful period at work lately and know that has made me tired and irritable and I tried to explain to my partner why I was feeling this way - being stressed I probably did not put it as well as I could have and instead of a hug or supportive comments or offers of help  was confronted by criticism which initially made me very upset (and angry). Now I am being treated to the silent/ignore treatment (been there/done that) and of course I realise that it seems impossible to have an adult/adult conversation when I am looking for support. I really should know better!

I used to get so wound up by this and would do anything to restore the equilibrium but now find that it is easier just to let it pass, the stress I am under is temporary - I am already taking action to ease my workload and doing nice things for me. Just reminded yet again that much as I love my partner one of the things lacking in my relationship is support at times when my batteries are low.

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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Birddog]

Know how tough that can be, it’s tough enough on relationship side , and then work pressures with no emotional support. Stress then gets fed back into the relationship.

Are there friends/ family able to connect with for emotional support? 

Any adjustments You can make at work to improve the situation? It sounds like added work stress is temporary.

[ortac77]

oh yes the work situation will be resolved and yes I can get emotional support elsewhere- just a bit sad to see again that being with a pwbpd is a one way street and I will always struggle with the silent treatment, so childish and passive aggressive. Not reacting to it - it will pass but in most relationships two adults will resolve these matters by talking about it.

[Gemsforeyes]

Oh how I do relate to this one...

Nope, the last thing we can look to our partners with BPD for is support when we’re under stress or down about something.  I’ve been feeling stressed and blue myself, but luckily I don’t live with my uBPDbf right now.  I told him I need a bit of space to straighten out my head, nothing to do with him.

He said “ I noticed you were depressed because you’re not taking care of your house.”  I asked what he meant. (My House is clean!).  He said, “well, you haven’t redone all the landscaping outside and you haven’t cleaned out the garage”.  I said “oh.”  Then I guess he thought for a sec... and he said “but I know being out of work you don’t have the money to redo the whole yard right now”.  We changed the topic. 

I thought about it later.  He actually wants to design the landscape and supervise guys to do the work.  Re: the garage We live in Florida and the LAST thing I’ll do is clean out the garage when it’s 100 degrees in there in the summer... but he wants to refinish an antique chair of mine in that space.  I know how he thinks...  He could simply ask me to pull out the car for a few days!  But you know 1+2 doesn’t always = 3 when you’re doing disordered math.

So my emotions and lack of extra funds translate into (in HIS mind) things he cannot do that he wishes he could. Whaa whaa whaa...

Sorry that you’re feeling stressed out and unsupported by your partner.  In times like these, we do have to look for outside support.  And sorry I hijacked your thread.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[ortac77]

Not hijacked at all 

Well the silent treatment is over, so instead I am getting the obsessive behaviours. He has a (sort of) hobby collecting model trains - healthy enough one would suppose except a few years ago it was model aircraft - most of which lie in boxes in pieces in the attic.

Now he spends each and every night on eBay looking for model trains and getting frustrated when he doesn't 'win' them.

So at a time I would like a bit of support he is depressed because he cant get what he wants (even though I have a feeling this hobby will go the same way)

Short attention span, self obsessed, oblivious to my needs and pointless to even try and discuss my feelings at the moment. The frustrations of this illness!

Anyhow - to this weekend off and taking myself away for two days t forget work and BPD for a while

[Gemsforeyes]

Does your BPDbf actually set up the model trains?  My brother used to collect those (as an adult) and we had good fun watching him “play” with those.

I’m glad you’re able to take yourself away for a few days.  It sounds like you really need the peace.

It seems that during periods of heightened feelings (yours) our partners with BPD almost “flex” an emotional muscle of sorts.  And make sure you know there’s only space enough for THEIR emotions in the house.  That’s been my experience. It’s hard... and exhausting.  And to keep the peace and avoid the RAGE and meltdowns, we stuff it down.

Mine’s been on the warpath over something involving his elderly mother (Please GOD...covert incest)... and it’s a nightmare that affects everything he says and thinks.  That old NPD woman twists him inside out and he cannot seem to end it.

I don’t know what to say, Ortac.  We love them, but we have to keep some distance; and that is where our sadness lies...

Travel safely.
Gemsforeyes

[once removed]

I have had a stressful period at work lately and know that has made me tired and irritable and I tried to explain to my partner why I was feeling this way - being stressed I probably did not put it as well as I could have and instead of a hug or supportive comments or offers of help  was confronted by criticism which initially made me very upset (and angry). Now I am being treated to the silent/ignore treatment (been there/done that) and of course I realise that it seems impossible to have an adult/adult conversation when I am looking for support. I really should know better!

what did you say? what did she say?

[isilme]

Nope.  I get told, ‘I can’t help you with that.’  ‘You need to do something about it to get your emotions under control.’ ‘What are you doing to feel better physically/emotionally?’

No, there there it’ll be ok.  If it happens it’s rare, and means I caught him off guard by breaking down, then he gets upset and resent me having emotions he can’t handle, feels judged for that fact, lashes out. 

And it’s true, I guess, not mean, he really can’t.  He’s so full of his own emotions, there’s no room for mine. 

Sorry, this has been hurting me a bit lately, how he has such a hard time considering my feelings and emotions, stress levels.  He can’t comprehend how little I actually come to him with problems or mention pain or illness, he can’t stop himself telling me each little bit of perceived problems he thinks he faces, the idea I quietly manage my own doesn’t register.