How do you cope? Impossible situation.

[Depression = 72% of members]

I'm new to the site, and have been reading a lot here. I couldn't help but notice how similar many of the situations have been to mine, so I thought I'd post for support. I'm in my late 30's, married 6 years. We have a 2 year old that is our world. I always knew there was something different about my Mom growing up. She's the angriest, and moodiest person I've ever known.

As a kid, my older sister and I always walked on egg shells. We never knew when she was going to rage. Her anger was primarily directed at my father, but often times, I'd get caught in the cross-fire and get the emotional/verbal abuse. My older sister is the Goldenchild (with major BPD fleas), and I am the scapegoat, but neither of us were ever good enough. Perfection was expected, and it felt like we were always letting our Mom down. She constantly stomped boundaries, and was very controlling. My Dad was the typical enabler. He'd try to keep the peace. He knew my Mom wasn't well, but he never tried to get her help, and probably utilized all the wrong BPD coping techniques. Fighting fire with fire doesn't work, and my Mom never had to deal with boundaries and consequences.

As a result, I grew up with anxiety and depression. I've been treated for both and am in a much better place now. Fast forward to today, my wife and Mom have never gotten along due to my Mom's behavior. They got into a number of bad arguments that involved my Mom yelling at my wife about the boundaries we've put in place. Over the years we've had to implement A LOT of boundaries. Week long visits became just a few days, we stopped staying in the same house, visits have become more and more infrequent. My wife has had virtually no relationship with my family for 3 years, meaning, I handle all communication. I now understand the need for this and generally handle things.

Last year my family came to visit us at our home and spend time with our son. We stupidly permitted them to stay in our home for a few days. They stomped many boundaries, and my Mom ended up raging right when they were leaving. A few days after that, my wife told me that she is cutting off my whole family, and that they will never see her or our son ever again. I didn't want to believe this, and in many ways, I'm still very much in denial about this. It has been a year since she said this to me, and unfortunately we've had 4-5 massive arguments about it whenever I bring up compromise. I just want some kind of compromise where we see my family 2 hours a year at a park so my son can know them, and so they can know him. She refuses this, and tells me that she'd rather divorce me than ever see them again.

Our marriage is hanging on by a thread. Meanwhile, I'm trying all of the BPD coping techniques with my Mom. I'm very low contact, and I generally grey rock. We only text. She's attempted a few terrible apologies, and still blames my wife for the current situation/estrangement. She refuses to be truly accountable for her part in it, and continues to ask for visits, and gets upset when I say no. Recently, my wife went through my phone and saw all of Mom's text messages. She was really unhappy with the way I responded to the blaming messages, and believes that I don't do enough to stand up for her, and that I don't have her back. She says she doesn't trust me at all. I've worked so hard to get out of the fog this past year. I've read countless books, worked on myself, and have a really good idea about what I'm dealing with. I now know all the mistakes I made in the past, and desperately want another chance to show that I am strong and can protect my family.

It's all getting to me, and I sometimes don't know how to cope. I just want the nightmare to end. I never imagined my life would end up like this. How do you cope with the fact that your wife and kids are off the table? I don't know how to live my life like this. My therapist tells me the solution is practicing acceptance, and truly internalizing that I can't change my Mom, or my wife, and drop the rope with both of them. The fixer in me just wants to fix the whole situation (like I tried to do as a kid). Unfortunately, it's not working. My wife keeps telling me that my family is trying to destroy our relationship, and that she gets horrible anxiety around them, doesn't want to walk on eggshells, and that if we saw my family, my Mom would "win". For me it's not about winners and losers. I just want peace, and a few simple, happy memories before my parents die. They are in their 70's. How do you cope?

[foggydays18]

I'm new to the site, and have been reading a lot here. I couldn't help but notice how similar many of the situations have been to mine, so I thought I'd post for support. I'm in my late 30's, married 6 years. We have a 2 year old that is our world. I always knew there was something different about my Mom growing up. She's the angriest, and moodiest person I've ever known.

As a kid, my older sister and I always walked on egg shells. We never knew when she was going to rage. Her anger was primarily directed at my father, but often times, I'd get caught in the cross-fire and get the emotional/verbal abuse. My older sister is the Goldenchild (with major BPD fleas), and I am the scapegoat, but neither of us were ever good enough. Perfection was expected, and it felt like we were always letting our Mom down. She constantly stomped boundaries, and was very controlling. My Dad was the typical enabler. He'd try to keep the peace. He knew my Mom wasn't well, but he never tried to get her help, and probably utilized all the wrong BPD coping techniques. Fighting fire with fire doesn't work, and my Mom never had to deal with boundaries and consequences.

As a result, I grew up with anxiety and depression. I've been treated for both and am in a much better place now. Fast forward to today, my wife and Mom have never gotten along due to my Mom's behavior. They got into a number of bad arguments that involved my Mom yelling at my wife about the boundaries we've put in place. Over the years we've had to implement A LOT of boundaries. Week long visits became just a few days, we stopped staying in the same house, visits have become more and more infrequent. My wife has had virtually no relationship with my family for 3 years, meaning, I handle all communication. I now understand the need for this and generally handle things.

Last year my family came to visit us at our home and spend time with our son. We stupidly permitted them to stay in our home for a few days. They stomped many boundaries, and my Mom ended up raging right when they were leaving. A few days after that, my wife told me that she is cutting off my whole family, and that they will never see her or our son ever again. I didn't want to believe this, and in many ways, I'm still very much in denial about this. It has been a year since she said this to me, and unfortunately we've had 4-5 massive arguments about it whenever I bring up compromise. I just want some kind of compromise where we see my family 2 hours a year at a park so my son can know them, and so they can know him. She refuses this, and tells me that she'd rather divorce me than ever see them again.

Our marriage is hanging on by a thread. Meanwhile, I'm trying all of the BPD coping techniques with my Mom. I'm very low contact, and I generally grey rock. We only text. She's attempted a few terrible apologies, and still blames my wife for the current situation/estrangement. She refuses to be truly accountable for her part in it, and continues to ask for visits, and gets upset when I say no. Recently, my wife went through my phone and saw all of Mom's text messages. She was really unhappy with the way I responded to the blaming messages, and believes that I don't do enough to stand up for her, and that I don't have her back. She says she doesn't trust me at all. I've worked so hard to get out of the fog this past year. I've read countless books, worked on myself, and have a really good idea about what I'm dealing with. I now know all the mistakes I made in the past, and desperately want another chance to show that I am strong and can protect my family.

It's all getting to me, and I sometimes don't know how to cope. I just want the nightmare to end. I never imagined my life would end up like this. How do you cope with the fact that your wife and kids are off the table? I don't know how to live my life like this. My therapist tells me the solution is practicing acceptance, and truly internalizing that I can't change my Mom, or my wife, and drop the rope with both of them. The fixer in me just wants to fix the whole situation (like I tried to do as a kid). Unfortunately, it's not working. My wife keeps telling me that my family is trying to destroy our relationship, and that she gets horrible anxiety around them, doesn't want to walk on eggshells, and that if we saw my family, my Mom would "win". For me it's not about winners and losers. I just want peace, and a few simple, happy memories before my parents die. They are in their 70's. How do you cope?

[Kwamina]

Hi foggydays18

The situation you describe sounds quite difficult indeed. When dealing with abusive family-members, it is definitely very important to set and enforce/defend boundaries with them. I do understand why your wife would want to shield herself and your son from being abused or constantly having to be on edge. She definitely has the right to protect herself and say no. This does not necassarily have to mean that her view on being NC will remain like this forever though.

I agree that this is not about winners or losers. To a certain extent it seems like you are dealing with FOG from your mother but also from your wife. The reality is that in a way all participants are losers here because of the close relationships that are not formed due to the BPD dysfunction.

Considering the way your mother has consistently behaved over the years, do you think it's possible for you and your family to have a more healthy relationship with her and the rest of your family of origin (FOO)?

Has your mother ever shown any genuine insights into her own behavior and how she affects others? Has she ever expressed a willingness to change?

The Board Parrot

[justnothing]

It's all getting to me, and I sometimes don't know how to cope. I just want the nightmare to end. I never imagined my life would end up like this. How do you cope with the fact that your wife and kids are off the table? I don't know how to live my life like this.

It sounds like this is extremely difficult for you and I’m sorry you feel this way. Sorry for asking something that might seem obvious to you, but what is it about this situation that makes it feel like a nightmare? I understand not wanting your parents and son to miss the opportunity to get to know each other, but from what you describe it sounds like it would at most be on a 2 hour per year basis. Obviously this would be significantly more than them not being able to meet at all, but on the other hand it’s also possible that very brief annual visits might not make that much of a difference for them. I hope this doesn’t come off as invalidating in any way but from what it sounds like, you might possibly be in more pain over this than they are.

You also mentioned that you want to have at least a few happy memories with your parents before they die. Does this mean you don’t feel at liberty to visit them on your own without your wife and son? What I understood was that your wife doesn’t want to be around your parents herself or for your son to be around them, but that doesn’t mean you can’t visit them them by yourself, or do you think such visits might cause more tension with your wife?

I now know all the mistakes I made in the past, and desperately want another chance to show that I am strong and can protect my family.

What makes you think you have to prove something like that? Nothing in the story you described sounds like it has anything to do with you being strong enough or not strong enough to protect your family. You can try to set boundaries and things like that but there isn’t actually anything you can do that can change or control your mother’s behavior and her behavior isn’t your responsibility. It sounds like your mother just behaved in the way that she always does, due to her personality being what it is, and your wife didn’t like that. There is nothing about this scenario that you have any control over. It can be a hard thing to accept especially when you grow up with a disordered person and what keeps you going is a fantasy that if you just learn how or “become strong enough”, someday you’ll be able to fix the person’s disorder and the situation, but in reality no human being has the ability to control another human beings behavior, at most we can control our own behavior and how we react to other people’s behavior.