No contact is making me feel weak.

[Imatter33]

 

Impending doom. Rocks in my stomach still. I thought I would find the way to set boundaries that made me feel in control and strong. Be able to implement them and have a new relationship with her.

NC feels like a cop out. WHY? (is it just because my siblings still choose to deal with her?) I am so mad that I care so much about what they think, when they do nothing in my life except creep on my facebook.  You guys, what good is a family? ARGGGGGGGG

By going nc i changed this  relationship entirely, and the truth is, with a relationship off the table I am  often times too busy  (with my life) to even worry about it.
 
But thats when anxiety attacks, and says "You can't ignore her forever."   The ping pong ball feeling of, "I miss her, "I don't miss her, "I feel guilty for being just fine without her." "I should want reconciliation." I don't care to have it."

My husband feels very strongly about remaining nc. His stress has gone down a lot since we stopped talking. A lot of her basic needs fell on my husband to take care of. (I don't drive) (my mom doesn't have a car) So he'd often go pick my mom up from somewhere, and have to get her home, and my mom has no semblance of time, we could spend hours with her and in a few days be told that "she didn't feel loved, connected to us, or that we spent enough time with her."
Whatever seemingly nice time we had would a few hours or days later be used to jab at me.

It is a no win.

But yet, nc feels weak.

[ProudDad12]

I can relate to a lot of what you said, especially as I'm currently NC with my family after LC didn't work out and made things worse. For what it's worth, I don't think it's weak. In fact, it's one of the most difficult things I've ever done.

NC isn't about running away or copping out, it's about protecting you and yours from the drama and screwed up dynamics. I get the anxiety you're feeling because I feel it on my end as well. But 3 month into NC one thing I've noticed is that the sadness and anxiety associated with it are a worthwhile tradeoff to the anxiety of wondering what is going to get thrown at me at any given moment.

Like I said, no contact hasn't felt weak at all for me. I've endured all sorts of outbursts and guilt and shame from my family as they try to force me back into my place. It can be a hard stand to make, but the payoff is a level of peace.

Hope that helps.

[zachira]

Going NC with a family member, especially a mother, can bring up many feelings we were not safe to feel when we were in contact. If you can allow yourself to feel the feelings that come up and process them to the point that the feelings don't overwhelm you, with time you will likely come out feeling stronger and happier. I was raised by a mother with BPD and have two siblings with BPD. The stress of having their unwanted feelings dumped on me, has caused me a lot of emotional pain and feeling at times that I must be terribly defective to be blamed for all the family's dysfunctional behaviors. I have been to years of therapy and found it enormously effective in finding the emotional strength to not take personally the behaviors of my family members with BPD. What helps you to feel better? What finally made you decide to go NC? Know that you are not alone in finding going NC with your mother terribly stressful and feeling overwhelmed. You will hear from other members who will share their experiences in going NC with their mother. Know that you are on the road to feeling better. I admire your courage in going NC with your mother.