whenever I speak to her, no matter what I say it seems to trigger her

[nonbordermom11]

Mod note: This post was split from the following thread as it merited its own discussion: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=340049.0

OR...I want to help my daughter, but whenever I speak to her, no matter what I say it seems to trigger her...she has blocked me from calling, should I just leave her alone for awhile? She also does not accept her Dx of BPD, although that is what she was diagnosed, she says its PTSD from childhood trauma. We believe she is not willing to look in the mirror just yet. What's your opinion?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[once removed]

she has blocked me from calling, should I just leave her alone for awhile?

generally speaking, i would say yes.

if someone puts up walls between communication, the most constructive and healing thing we can do is respect them.

context is important though. what led up to her blocking you from calling? has she blocked you elsewhere?

[nonbordermom11]

OR...thank you for responding...she is actively looking for work, lives 13 hours away. She just wants money until she can get a job...most convos are me calling to "check in" see how's she is doing, then her immediately attacking me, basically to send her money and to leave her alone. There is no back and forth discussion, if I respond with anything, it's just a "click" (she hangs up and blocks me). I called from my sons phone who she hasn't blocked. I hope this week something transpires, I sometimes think she is applying for jobs she is not qualified for. She could just go and get a waitressing job in the meantime for extra cash. Can't get that message across. She does not have a car, she sold it awhile back. Not in a hurry to get her one, between the meds and weed, do not want her behind the wheel of  a car. She lives alone and does not leave her apt much at all. Isolating herself. That can't be healthy. She claims she is speaking to her therapist, but can't confirm that. Should I just back off and let her be? She is 27 and college educated.

[Rosheger]

Hi nonbordermom11,  I can totally relate to your post!  Everything I seem to say triggers my dtr as well and she believes all her problems are from childhood PTSD.  She has been diagnosed with add/depression/anxiety/.  She is in her late 30's so I didn't have her tested for BPD as it was little known when she was growing up.  However, she fits the characteristics completely.  I also know she would never accept that diagnosis and would rather remain victim to her childhood traumas.  She also lives alone, has a job, but also has a car.  We are not in contact.  I have asked her to specifically tell me what I say that triggers her as I would really like a relationship with my only daughter, but she gets impatient and says I am "pressuring" her.  So, with the support of others on this site, I am remaining quiet - as my dtr has requested no contact at all.  It is hard.  I miss her.  I miss what could be.  I have to accept who my dtr is.  I am getting a lot out of the book "Loving Someone with BPD".  There is also a book on having a dtr with bpd.  So, wanted you to know I feel your pain.  Hang in there, Rosh

[nonbordermom11]

Thank you Rosh...I do believe my daughter is holding onto the PTSD dx and childhood trauma because she can't face the BPD dx (she got that dx when she left a psych facility after 7 days). She has convinced herself it has to be from me and her upbringing.  Sent her a video from Jordan Peterson on Depression (very good) through a relative (I am blocked). She basically said she would not watch anything that came from me and said she would block the relative too if she did that again. Now mind you, she will call by the end of the month and demand money for rent, uber eats, power and light, etc...and if I don't give it to her, she will give me a deadline with the threat of suicide. (that's how last month went). I was hoping to set some boundaries with her verbal abuse, etc, but can't get a word in edgewise. I have a T appt thurs, I'm hoping to get some good advice then on how to handle all this. The longer they play the victim, the longer life passes them by and more self doubt and loathing. What a horrible way to live...

[Rosheger]

I can only speak from my own experience and what I am learning here.  My dtr also played the "suicide" card many times which threw me into the action of doing everything I could to prevent that.  I drove myself crazy - running around, doing whatever she asked, suffering verbal abuse, etc.   For many years I also attended 12-step meetings and shared about my dtr.  I was told there was nothing I could do about my dtr commiting suicide, that if she wanted to, she would, it wouldn't matter what I said or did, and it certainly would not be my fault.  I was told to detach with love, to stick to my boundaries and start saying no.  I have learned over the years that my dtr always survives - even when she used to get to points I long before would have called "bottom".  Taking care of yourself is crucial.  Letting go of her and letting her suffer the consequences of her own behavior is best.  There is information on this site that I am new to, but it is about learning how to communicate with our BPD children.  Perhaps others will chime in here in response for more details than I can give you.  She is an adult, age 27, and it's time, I think, to put yourself first.

[nonbordermom11]

Rosh...thank you for taking the time to reply, your words do help, I'm gearing up for the next battle with threats, I'm hoping I will be strong enough to say no, or at least work a compromise...she gets a part time job, I will help with some other bills. The job is crucial though, she needs to get back in the world...keep me posted on your situation, I would like to hear how its going.