She, her mother and friends tried to call me after 3 weeks NC

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Summary: 3y r/s with my exBPDgf, several break-ups and make-ups. She was suddenly in a r/s with other guy while still with me and saying in my face that she wasn't. I found out on Facebook. 1 month later returned, said she loved me, missed me, cried on my arms, "i am yours", etc. I agreed to speak about us. She asked me to wait, until solve her health problems (surgery). In the meanwhile, altough dating me, kissing me, calling me "love", she met a guy from the internet, was dating him, i asked, she said no, and then, in a r/s status in facebook, where i found once more. I found out she was smearing me, and saying this new bf is the one she loves the most. 3 weeks NC.

Now: Created fb account together with her new bf. (she tried the same with me but i refused at the time. Although it is presented as a romatic procedure, it is a control method. He will drop his fb acount and be on a conjunct fb acount with her, as she maintain hers). She tried a fb account with me, 5 months into the r/s. With this guy, just 3 weeks. It scares me the pace that the boundaries are dropping with them. Her mother tried to call me twice, 3 days ago and 2 days ago. I didn't answered. Then yesterday a friend we have in common tried to call me. I didn't answered. yesterday i had a call from a unknown number, i called today, it was a female friend of her. She picked up and told me that it was my ex- tryind to speak with me. "She said she had no money on her phone. Call her. She wants to speak with you". Of course, i will!  

I have other previous call attempts from other different numbers . Idk. Maybe it was her.

What the hell does she wants or have to speak with me, after everything she has done ?

And why don't she send a message on whatsapp or whatever? Why call me on unkown numbers?

Anyway, she dated several guys and returned after. But this time i will not allow her. I am suffering and sometimes i miss her. Part of me still search for any motives to resume this r/s, but after all she did, it's just impossible. She destroyed everything.

There has been 23 days since we last spoke. Our previous record was 18.

She was to go to another country with this guy. I thought she was already there. I don't want to accidently bump up with her somewhere. I would feel more secure if she was already gone.

My friends says that she will try other means to contact me. Some part of me wants to remain friends, but i am not ready yet. I'm still grieving. I am stronger, but still fragile.

[Pytagoras]

Summary: 3y r/s with my exBPDgf, several break-ups and make-ups. She was suddenly in a r/s with other guy while still with me and saying in my face that she wasn't. I found out on Facebook. 1 month later returned, said she loved me, missed me, cried on my arms, "i am yours", etc. I agreed to speak about us. She asked me to wait, until solve her health problems (surgery). In the meanwhile, altough dating me, kissing me, calling me "love", she met a guy from the internet, was dating him, i asked, she said no, and then, in a r/s status in facebook, where i found once more. I found out she was smearing me, and saying this new bf is the one she loves the most. 3 weeks NC.

Now: Created fb account together with her new bf. (she tried the same with me but i refused at the time. Although it is presented as a romatic procedure, it is a control method. He will drop his fb acount and be on a conjunct fb acount with her, as she maintain hers). She tried a fb account with me, 5 months into the r/s. With this guy, just 3 weeks. It scares me the pace that the boundaries are dropping with them. Her mother tried to call me twice, 3 days ago and 2 days ago. I didn't answered. Then yesterday a friend we have in common tried to call me. I didn't answered. yesterday i had a call from a unknown number, i called today, it was a female friend of her. She picked up and told me that it was my ex- tryind to speak with me. "She said she had no money on her phone. Call her. She wants to speak with you". Of course, i will!  

I have other previous call attempts from other different numbers . Idk. Maybe it was her.

What the hell does she wants or have to speak with me, after everything she has done ?

And why don't she send a message on whatsapp or whatever? Why call me on unkown numbers?

Anyway, she dated several guys and returned after. But this time i will not allow her. I am suffering and sometimes i miss her. Part of me still search for any motives to resume this r/s, but after all she did, it's just impossible. She destroyed everything.

There has been 23 days since we last spoke. Our previous record was 18.

She was to go to another country with this guy. I thought she was already there. I don't want to accidently bump up with her somewhere. I would feel more secure if she was already gone.

My friends says that she will try other means to contact me. Some part of me wants to remain friends, but i am not ready yet. I'm still grieving. I am stronger, but still fragile.

[once removed]

charming is an attempt to reconcile the relationship.

there is often post relationship contact in these relationships; the breakup can be messy, and the contact can be messy. most of it is not a bid to reconcile the relationship.

What the hell does she wants or have to speak with me, after everything she has done ?

it is difficult to say.

people with bpd traits can be fairly selfish and inappropriate when it comes to post relationship contact.

often times, even if the relationship is over, there are still painful feelings. coping with that may mean pushing to be friends. it may mean pushing to maintain some sort of connection, in order to feel better about the split, and how it went down. it may be about that, it may not be. its difficult to say.

if you want to know what she wants, the simplest thing to do is answer the contact; see what she wants.

[Pytagoras]

once_removed,

Thk you for the response.

Yes, you are right.

if you want to know what she wants, the simplest thing to do is answer the contact; see what she wants.

I would do that, but i am now 24 days NC and i was progressively feeling better, but this contacts created more anxiety in me. I could be friends with her, i was 5y her friend before our 3y r/s. But i think i'm not ready yet. I'm still too fragile.

I don't think she wants to reconcile. Maybe she just wants to know i am here, or wants something from me. Even if she wanted to reconcile, how could i do it, after everything she did? I couldn't.

[once removed]

I could be friends with her, i was 5y her friend before our 3y r/s. But i think i'm not ready yet. I'm still too fragile.

thats a valid place to be.

in that case, id keep your walls up. if she tries to reach you indirectly, through friends or family, id keep away.

if she tries to reach you directly, i might let her know you need some time and space.

what do you think?

[Pytagoras]

in that case, id keep your walls up. if she tries to reach you indirectly, through friends or family, id keep away.

if she tries to reach you directly, i might let her know you need some time and space.

what do you think?

I agree with you. I think i'll do it.

But, thinking again, even if we were friends, she would lie to me, as she always did (even when we were friends), and she would not accept anything i had to say, unless it would go according to her vision of things, wich is highly distorted and projective. She always did victimize and blame everyone around her, for her miserable life. It would be a futile exercise. The only thing i could do was to validate her feelings. That would apease her. But would it be a real friendship relationship if i can't say what i really think? idk.

Today 25 days NC.

Next tuesday i'll get back to therapy, interrupted 3y ago when i start dating my ex. I like my therapist. I think it will help.

Yesterday a friend of mine told me she made a joint Facebook account with the new bf and erased her's. 3 weeks into their r/s. How crazy is that?

I notice that these are the same patterns of control/untrust/paranoid/distortion she tried to implement with me, but in a more intense, fast and aggravated way.

She seems worse and more toxic as time goes by. She seems more desperate and willing to go deeper : (

Some days i feel my self a little out of the FOG and more motivated. Some other days it's harder.

[once removed]

But, thinking again, even if we were friends, she would lie to me, as she always did (even when we were friends), and she would not accept anything i had to say, unless it would go according to her vision of things, wich is highly distorted and projective. She always did victimize and blame everyone around her, for her miserable life. It would be a futile exercise. The only thing i could do was to validate her feelings. That would apease her. But would it be a real friendship relationship if i can't say what i really think? idk.

i have a good friend with bpd traits.

she isnt just a friend, shes an ex. she was my first serious girlfriend in high school.

things ended very badly between us. she never let me know it was over. i heard from others that shed moved into another relationship. i let her know that i knew, and she turned really, really vindictive.

years (several) later we are pretty good friends. i attend her halloween party once a year. we talk once a month or two.

being friends with an ex is awkward, complicated, hard, and not always even possible. im not on nearly as good of terms with most of my exes, and yet, it was one of the most complicated breakups ive ever had. im not friends with the ex that i showed up with this site over, for a variety of reasons.

transitioning from exes to friends entails a very different relationship. it looks and feels completely different. its more possible when we have detached from the wounds, had our space, had our healing. and its never the same. its more like just getting along. its rare that its more than that.

while you are detaching, its really something to consider at a later date, when youre feeling better, and when you have a good idea of what it would look like.

what do you think?

[Pytagoras]

once_removed,

Yes, i agree with you. It's too soon to think about that.

Before my exBPDgf, i dated a girl w/BPD. And we are friends now. And no problem.

I met this girl 8y ago. 5y later our r/s started. In the begining, we dated, but i said i didn't want it anymore. I felt awful with her, as she was empty inside (curiously, maybe i was more aware that time that i am now). We became friends after that and sometimes she would ask me to sleep with her. I always refused. Then she was with an abusive bf, that beat her up (i wonder if she abused him too). We became closer and closer. met a few times, dated a few times. Then she came to live in my city, we start dating, she let me believe that she was very very diferent then, and without knowing, i was hooked.

I guess that rescue this little waif angel, so cute and charming, yet the most promiscous woman i've ever met, was irresistable to me. Be the one, after so many, that would be making a diference in her life. So much for a ego trip.

I think that if we remain friends in the future, she will always try to seduce me, and that component will always be there. She will want to be friends if there's something in me that she wants. wtv it is.

She was not hidding that she was with somebody else. She was showing herself on facebook for everybody to see and yet she was telling me she hadn't anyone else. How disrespectful is that from someone who always said to me "If you get involved with someone else, please tell me"?. She was moking me sometimes, what that smirk she made, while she was lying to my face, saying she went to another city with her cousin, while she was indeed traveling to meet her current bf ("ahah, i see you are jealous. I know you so well"), then kissed me, "my love", etc. And she was already with this new guy. Her incredible lies, cheating, controling, holding me as her safety net, with everything i did for her, everything we lived together, as it ment nothing to her, etc... I can forgive her. Yes, i can. I know this is the way she found to survive. And it's ok. I didn't forgive her 100% yet, but i will. I can understand. But i will not be able to get in a r/s with her again, even if part of me longs for her so much. Friends? Maybe one day...

In the 5y we were friends i thought it would be impossible to be her bf. I became her bf. Now i think the same as in the begining. The cycle is closed. Curious thing.

[Pytagoras]

She sent me a message in Whatsapp.

She wants to give me back all the clothes and stuff i buyed to her to sell in her shop. I think she is trying to empty the shop because she is leaving to other country where her bf lives. Also, she wants a bag of her clothes that she gave me to wash.

Only to text with her, anxiety raised to the top.

I don't want to see her.

I asked if she could bring the stuff, she said she doesn't have a van, if i could do it with my van. I said i would find a solution and asked if it could be Monday. She said yes. I think i will ask friends to do it. I'm in no condition to do it myself.

[Pytagoras]

So, i think she sensed that i was not the one going there to pick up my stuff. When the day came, she said she hadn't stuff prepared for me to pick up. But i could go there and pick some stuff, and then in some other time pick some more.

She said she will leave country only on January ( i would prefere she was already away. I'm on defensive low profile mode and don't want to bump with her ).

It seems to me and also the friends whom i speak with her, that the way she is speaking, she is trying to reengage something. Maybe to hurt me a little more, maybe to keep me here in case something goes wrong with her new bf in the new country, maybe to see if I'm still affected with our break-up, maybe to have someone close, giving her atention whilst the bf is away, idk.

My NC of 26 days wrecked. I spoke with her yesterday and picking my stuff up haven't been done yet. I don't know what to do.

I resume my therapy today, after 3 years ( coinciding with the begining of my r/s with her ).

[once removed]

It seems to me and also the friends whom i speak with her, that the way she is speaking, she is trying to reengage something. Maybe to hurt me a little more, maybe to keep me here in case something goes wrong with her new bf in the new country, maybe to see if I'm still affected with our break-up, maybe to have someone close, giving her atention whilst the bf is away, idk.

exchanging belongings can be complicated after a breakup, especially one like this.

I don't know what to do.

is the stuff important to get back?

[Pytagoras]

is the stuff important to get back?

It's a bunch of exhibitors to hang clothes, stuff that i purchased so she could sell it on her shop / beauty salon in a partnership with me. She also wants to give me a lot of the clothes she was selling, i think. It would be useful to me, because i can sell the clothes and use all the stuff. Plus, i think she wants to give me more stuff, idk what.

In truth, i wasn't expecting to have anything back. I and was surprised that she called and texted me, after all the things she's done, lying directly to my face and get caughted with it. I don't really need that stuff back, it's not essencial, altough it would be useful.

I am 5 days NC now, after i was 26 NC and we exchanged messages in Whatsapp.

Only the tought of going to Whatsapp see what have she said, and talk with her rises my anxiety.

In this 5 days, i've managed to be calmer, but, i think i am entering in a more depressive phase. I've been negotiating in my mind "What if i did this or that? Maybe everything would turn diferent" or "Maybe in the future we can be friends, or she'll be back to me, when things go wrong in the present r/s". But i realize further and further that there's nothing i could do then (yes, i could helped drama and chaos to decrease, but i don't think i could prevent the fallout) and there is nothing i can do now, but to accept the ending. It's not easy to me, to let it go... Every day that passes, i think it's a little bit easier, but it's still very hard.

Altough she said she will move to another country where her bf is, she is still here in my city, and her bf isn't. Due to our previous r/s dynamics, where i did went to her sometimes, to solve things, i still have that feeling inside me, that i somewhat need to do something while she's here. It's very unsettling and rises my anxiety. Also, i try to avoid certain areas of the city.

[once removed]

any update?

[Pytagoras]

Hello once removed,

In the last two weeks i find myself getting better and better and gradually in a more peaceful place, so i've been avoiding going to Whastapp and see what did she said and arrange time for me to go get my things, because i know it will disturb my tranquility.

I'm still fragile, but i am feeling better and better. I am not so anxious as before, i have larger and larger gaps of time that i dont think of her, altough she is still the first tough i have when i wake up.

I'm grieving. And the process is on his way. Last week i dealed with the emasculating i feeled in the r/s, and the low self-esteem.

I'm on therapy. 3 sessions by now (they are weekly).

But, yes, in the next few days i will have to take courage and face it.