In crisis

[TMJim]

Hello all,

Don't know where to begin.  I've been with my fiance for 3 years.  I came into the relationship with sex addiction and was honest about it.  My fiance had given me some "guidelines" to keep her happy but hadn't been diagnosed with BPD.  There were definitely some trust  mistakes made from my end early on.  She had gone back to her ex several times and I am only now, based on here diagnosis, why this happened.   We have been sexually adventurous, which has been interesting and, of course, in hindsight caused some damage.  Of course based on my early issues, her personality changed.  There's a lot more but want to get to where we are today.

She met a young man who she recognized as BPD. He lives on his own, no parents, has had a difficult young life. Quickly the relationship became sexual, but I've seen she's helping him.  Of course she refuses to see the danger in all this to both of them.  She wants me to be a part of it, which I'm not against, but I feel a little used and insecure.  I'm finally getting around to looking and asking for help (which I should have done years ago!) Here's where we are now.  I'm away for the weekend (I travel for a living) and she's invited him to our house for the weekend while I was gone.  I discovered this before I left.  Confronted her on it and let her get away with it.  I've both been understanding and hurt/defensive. so our communication over the last few days has been tense.  Meanwhile I'm out of town, by myself, and losing my mind.  I'm open minded and find her "craziness" fun in a lot of ways but I'm concerned that she's being destructive to all 3 of us.  Of course it's all much more complex with this and we've had some good conversations based on  research I've been doing, including me reading about setting boundaries.  One things she made me promise was that I don't end her relationship with him.  I feel like she's helped him with his issues, but I'm also concerned about the intimate side of it.  Her dream is to make us all family.  The messed up thing is I'm not against it, but I'm feeling it's because she needs the financial and emotional needs I provide and really loves him more.  (of course I have my own issues to deal with).  All the reading I've done on this subject has made me feel hopeless.  I really don't want to lose her, but I'm slowly losing myself.  we are both successful in our careers and professionals.  I'm having problems seeing light at the end of this tunnel.  I'm desperate and apologize for the long rant. I have no one to speak to about any of this.  I'm willing to live with her disorder, but fear that  I will be lost in this.  She says she loves me and wants us all to be a family.   Again, I'm not against this, but see so many red flags.   Appreciate any feed back or help. 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[paperinkart]

Hello! We are all here for you and you are not alone in this.

I wonder if this conversation is less about BPD and more about your feelings regarding an open relationship? I took me a LONG time to fully accept that I don’t really believe the idea of monogamy in today’s modern society, but that came with a lot of “wrong” feelings and “red flags”. My partner and I are now seeing a...new way to have a relationship and while it is fun, it also feels very wrong and scary.

If you feel like all three of you sharing some sort of relationship could work and are open to the idea, don’t worry about the “wrongness” of it. You are free to explore what feels right to you. However, if you decide you would like a monogamous partnership, that’s absolutely fine too and then it’s up to you to decide how you would like to move forward in your current relationship.

I’m sorry if I’m way off the mark here! Best of luck

[khibomsis]

  TM Jim, and welcome to the family! I am sorry you are going through this, I am in a somewhat similar situation and it is indeed hard.  My take would be that neither of you are ready for polyamory at this stage. The first prerequisite for polyamory is honesty, and it seems your fiance has not been totally honest with you. It sounds as if in the past you have also not always been totally honest with her, and this may -especially with BPD people - take time to repair.

The second is trust, and again this seems to have reached a low point in your relationship. Communication is key, and the problem with polyamory is that another focus takes away emotional energy  which you both need right now to put right what has gone wrong.

A big   for me is having the other man in your house. Was this part of your original polyamory agreement? Because it seems to me to be exposing yourself to high risk situations, you do not know much  about this man except that he is BPD. Hardly confidence inspiring. Your house is your safe space and you need to be sure it remains that way.

I would suggest dialing back on other partners until you both feel safe and secure with each other. The problem with polyamory in my mind is the practice. The theory sounds fine, but as you can see, the devil is always in the detail.It requires a level of emotional maturity that both parties often do not possess.

The biggest problem with polyamory in relation to BPD is the possibility, in fact probability, of getting caught up in a Karpman Drama Triangle. This happens even in monogamous relationships But with polyamory you are multiplying the chances. People on this board are struggling even to keep one BPD relationship afloat. Here you are contemplating two? You are quite right to be worried.

Here's a good place to start reading about the triangle https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle
I am happy to work through it with you because, as I said, I am in a very similar position myself.

Working on your co-dependency issues is a great idea and can only help you going forward. Have you thought of approaching a  therapist around the sex addiction? Solving what you can solve on your own is always a good idea.