Why do we still get hurt by the behavior?

[sunny days]

Hi Everyone,
Do I just have low self esteem and I'm still allowing someone else to get to me? Do borderlines even really care about another person. I don't see how you can win with a borderline. If I set boundaries or am healthy with my intent it does't seem to change how they see things. They are going to be self centered. I'm down tonight and feeling defeated. Does anyone have some words of encouragement?
Thanks so much.

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[Chosen]

Hi sunny days,

You let someone else get to you because you are a real person with real feelings.  And probably you're an empathetic person too, and that's a good thing.  If you were completely cold then you wouldn't feel anything. Just think: if you walked past the street and an unknown stranger start swearing at you, you'd probably just brush them off and think "you're nuts" then walk away.  But you wouldn't do that to somebody close.  That's why we get hurt when we are with pwBPDs.

Personal experience, you can't win with a borderline.  They set their own rules (one thing you say may be music to their ears one day and an insult to them the next, depending on their mood, and OH YES pwBPDs are really moody people); heck, they even set their own "reality" because facts = feelings for them, so no point in arguing logically with them.  So no, you can't win.

BUT life is not about winning.  Relationships are not about winning.  We must not think in a black-and-white manner like a pwBPD  (you win, I lose).  Learning about boundaries and/or communication techniques is not meant to change a borderline or help you win, but rather, help you win in the relationship by making it more manageable.  I apologise in advance for my coming analogy which may sound offensive to some people (by comparing BPD to a disability), but hopefully it can help to illustrate my point:

Say you have a child who has a mental disability.  You learn ways to cope and you also bring the child to different therapists.  However, those people, no matter how professional they are, will not be able to change your child's mental capability.  There will always be things your child cannot do.  But the therapists can help find alternative ways for you and your child to cope with daily life, to bridge that gap between somebody with a mental disability and "normal" (so to speak) people.  As a parent, your role is to find ways to help the child and not to take away the child's disability (how good it would be if we could do that!).  I see BDP as a mental disability.  For most pwBPDs, I think they will never be able to see past their blind spots and change their way of thinking.  And if we're focused on that, we will forever be disappointed.  But we can change our expectations of the relationship, and I believe that by learning and practising different skills (which are very hard to do, by the way), we can change the relationship somewhat.  Whether or not the relationship improves to the level you find acceptable is another questions.

[isilme]

You're right, Chosen.  I can usually chalk up much of the hurtful words to the disorder.  It's just getting harder to do, lately, when the breaks between the outbursts are shrinking and the outbursts are getting uglier.  I'm worried there is another component ehre, something I am missing. 

Usually I can get past it by writing on here, and then I act like it did not happen, as a way to show, not tell (BPD seems to do better with SHOW vers TELL) that I am not abandoning him even if he treat me horribly at times, and possibly the vast majority, with some shining outstanding moments in there. 

I'm scared we're in for more this week, and know more will come between now and New Years.  I don't get to enjoy the holidays. 

[sunny days]

Thank you both for replying, this site means so much to me.  I agree  Chosen with your post and I also have used the technique mentioned of reading and writing on the post and going forward. I hit a stumbling block when I had to be truly honest with myself and admit he was crossing a strong value of mine to feel free in my movements
at home. I know I could of just moved the cushions into the garage and taken the push back, silent treatment or nasty words and got on with it. Trying to include him in the decision making was my way of showing respect. He felt challenged and called it an attack because I had the audacity to speak my mind.  The more I grow I can see more clearly what is his stuff and what is mine. I believed the character assassinations for years because i just couldn't believe someone who loved me would try to twist my intent.Learning about Gas lighting, and Fog have been empowering in my understanding of these tactics.The grieving one does in this situation is the onion layer analogy. I think I've got it but something else comes up. I wish I could be better and emphatic listening. I have my own angry issues and react instead of responding. Anyway thanks again, I don't have a support group in this area for BPD or NPD and this forum is my lifeline right now.

[Chosen]

Come here often, sunny days, when you need to feel that you're not alone.  Just like you, I have no support group.  I have no family to talk to and no friends (I mean, I have friends, but can't talk to them about this because they will not understand).  So this site is my lifeline too.  I think it's normal to react to negative feelings.  Don't be too hard on yourself, but of course we as nons must learn better ways to cope with our own negative feelings as well.

[once removed]

I'm down tonight and feeling defeated.

what happened? lets walk through it.

[sunny days]

Hi everyone,
      My husband is going into surgery for shoulder replacement next week. The stress of this is causing him to dysregulate. He drove reckless on the road and has been short tempered. We came to a head when we disagreed about putting cushions into the garage. It sounds like a minor thing but hit some core values in me that I could no longer ignore. He's need to be in control, selfishness and invalidating attitude had reached a point.
       I made it clear what I could't live with and would not be swayed by his bulling and gas lighting. Thanks to this sight I could watch with detachment at all his
manipulations.

They were so transparent and almost funny. In the past I was afraid of being along and I do suffer from loneliness but I'm also becoming my own friend and know I can choose the life I want. After standing my ground for 3 days he finally talked to me honestly and is willing to compromise. I guess this is a success story. My therapist said let the chips fall where they may. Maybe I could have done it better but I did it! I don't no about other BPD and NPD people but he has more self awareness then he lets on, some of his behavior is because it works!
Thanks Once Removed for asking, you guys are doing important work. I appreciate you.