My BPD has left

[ALA]

Hello all,
I am new here and in need of some support. After nearly 14 years together my BPD partner has left the home and professes to not coming back. Of course she had begun a rebound several days or a couple of weeks prior to her departure. She left on Saturday . She contacts me regularly asking me to take care of things for her and regularly speaks of her love for me along with all kinds of heart emoji etc. I am still sucked in but I want out and know that no matter how much I desire her that this is how things must be for my own survival.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear ALA-

Welcome to our community.  I’m very sorry for the pain and confusion that brings you here, but glad you’ve joined us.  You’ll find many members who understand what you’re feeling and what you’re experiencing.

So... she’s saying she loves you, yet she’s with another person? 

Words vs. actions.  Big difference.  People can say anything, type anything, send cutesy emojis and mean nothing.  Except they likely “want” or “need” something.   I have heard the most beautiful, fulfilling and promising words pour from my lover’s mouth and then scatter on the floor.  No follow-up to those words.  And then no memory that he had ever uttered them.  The truth is in the actions, my friend.  And this is not only the case with pwBPD (people with BPD); but all people.

Can you explain ... were their difficulties that led up to your BPD partner’s departure?  Did you have any inkling that she was planning to leave?

It seems your feelings are indeed conflicted (as most of ours are), now that she has been gone for a few days.  When you’re ready, please provide some color around your relationship.

Finally, what sorts of things is she asking you to do?  Please understand, you are under no obligation to do anything she asks.  You can kindly decline.  After all, she is an adult and fully capable, and there is no need for you to continue with rescuing behavior.  These are habits that you must learn to break.

I hope I’m not seeming too harsh.  I don’t intend to be, my friend.  I know this is so so hard.

Do you want to reunite, or are you leaning more toward really learning if remaining apart IS the best course for you?

Please keep posting.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[formflier]

  I am still sucked in but I want out 

Do you reply/comply with all these requests?  Is there a reason she can't handle these things herself?

Best,

FF

[ALA]

She has been with me since she was very young. I am 59 she is 36  she is 23 years younger. She has no education or job skills and I have cared for her in all tangible ways for her entire adult life. She has been addicted to hard drugs for a majority of our relationship but has had some good clean time with methadone or other replacement therapy. We have 2 beautiful sons and she is as good a mother as can be expected. For a significant part of our relationship I have single parented while she either ran the streets, was in jail, or in an institution.
She has left to enter a recovery house due to a court order. She is on drug court. I initiated the action by notifying her PO that I was no longer willing to accept her behavior, principally her extensive sexual acting out outside the relationship. I think that call triggered her abandonment fear.
For the better part of the last year we have been in the devalue phase and her response is to tell me she is no longer in love with me.
She has minimal basic needs which she relies on me for but it is all primarily her taking and me giving.
She is involved in a sexual relationship with a person she met at recovery meetings less than a month ago, this with less than 30 days clean. Although on drug court she was able to smoke K2 and was snorting Wellbutrin. It is my belief that she is incapable of being independent.
I have love for her, we have history and had good times before the drugs ruined it. She is still very attractive to me although we do not engage in sexual relations currently.
I have lost much of my own life to her including my origin family, my finances, and my social standing. It has been destructive for me. It has only been a week since she left and I need some advice and support to help me extract myself from this.

[Rev]

I want out and know that no matter how much I desire her that this is how things must be for my own survival.

Tape these words to your mirror, your fridge, anywhere and everywhere you need to see them. Let these be your mantra for now. Stick with this community and do get the assistance you need right now. I stay away from the word "help" because for some of us, myself included, it triggers the very feelings of helplessness because the shame we can be made to feel in a BPD relationship.

BUT - there is a way. For me, it was to realize that my brain literally was in a state of F.O.G. It's ability to process rational thoughts was reduced and the emotional confusion I was feeling was like an app running in the background of a smart-phone. You just can't ever understand why your brain-battery keeps running down. So assistance is like a battery pack.  You can access what you already know faster...

You will get to where to you need to be - because you seem to already know where you want to be.

Blessings on your journey.

Rev.

[Cat Familiar]

So sorry you’re dealing with all this.    It sounds like you might want to end this relationship, but since you have children together, you will still be connected by them.

For that reason, I’m moving your post to the Bettering board. There you will learn strategies to improve the communication you have with her as well as how to protect your own interests and that of your children.

[ALA]

thank you