uBPD/NPD mom has painted me black

[InPurgatory]

And my younger brother too.  This is mostly just a rant. 

Background is that my dad (97) has been going through cancer treatment over the past year, and we just found out that it has metastasized.  uBPD/NPD mom (87) has become more and more out of control of her emotions over the past few months as my Dad has become more ill. 

In February of this year, he started radiation treatment.  My brother (scapegoat) and I (scapegoat/invisible child) had driven down (we both live in different cities several hours away) to go with him to his first oncologist appointment so that we could get more information about what was going to happen.  My mom was on edge that day and everything I said became an "insult" to her.  When she began raging at me in the car on our way to the appointment, I told her that I wasn't ignoring her but that I was going to stop talking for the duration because I didn't like being yelled at while I was driving.  She then told me that I should have done this a long time ago and should keep my mouth shut from now on.  When we got to the appointment, she threw a tantrum in the lobby and refused to let either me or my brother go in the room with the doctor, so we ended up waiting in the car.  My dad didn't say a word.  After the appointment, when I was getting ready to leave for home, she acted like she wanted to apologize.  She said she was sorry, and I said okay.  She then asked if I was going to apologize to her too and I said I hadn't done anything to apologize for.  At this point she said that she took back her apology if I wasn't going to apologize as well.  I left and went NC for a while. 

I went back to visit for my Dad's birthday in April, when there were plenty of other family members around.  As expected, Mom pretended that nothing was wrong.  After that I went NC again, but still checking in with my Dad by FB message (she basically controls the phone and we have had issues in the past where we call and nobody answers, even if they are home).

This week we found out that my dad's cancer has metastasized to his lungs.  On top of that, my brother and his family contracted Covid.  Before they knew they were sick, they had spent time with my parents and now my mom is really sick (but won't go get tested).  My dad appears to still be okay, but I'm very concerned because of their advanced ages.

At 4:00 this morning, my mom called my brother (who is very sick with Covid, and my mom knows this) because my dad had fallen in his room and she couldn't get him up.  She wanted my brother to talk to him.  In the meantime, she called paramedics, who showed up and checked Dad over.  Dad refused to go to the hospital, and when the paramedics left my mom basically had a meltdown over the phone, primarily raging about me and about how she's tired of having to take care of my dad.  My brother hung up and called me later to fill me in. 

I contacted my other brother (golden child) to update him and see if he could calm my mom down.  Surprise, surprise, she tells him that she WAS calm on the phone with my other brother, then proceeds to spend the next half hour raging about younger brother and me, and about how we both have a "smart mouth" and don't care about her anymore and how she just can't take it.  She said she had called me multiple times and I wasn't taking her calls (I have no missed calls this week).  We have no idea if she was lying or confused or calling the wrong number (she has my number and has used it before) so he emailed her my correct phone number.  We'll see if she actually calls.  At this point I am not willing to engage her.  My Dad called earlier this week to check in (a very uncommon occurrence) and promised that he would do so more often.

The good thing is that both brothers understand why I am NC with her right now, and they have been supportive.  The bad part is that neither parent will accept outside help or consider assisted living, and my younger brother is her go-to person to ask for help (even though he's the scapegoat) because he lives the closest.  I feel like things are about to take a turn for the worst.  I just wanted to write this down somewhere, and I know you guys understand.

[InPurgatory]

Just wanted to update this post.  As we were worried about, my Dad contracted Covid about 10 days ago.  Last night he passed away.

In the beginning, when the rest of the family was sick (beginning around June 19), my Dad wasn't showing any symptoms.  After June 20, the only person he was exposed to at home was my Mom.  Dad somehow managed to stay healthy until around July 5th, when he began coughing and fell at home.  He fell again the next day, requiring an ER visit for stitches when he hit his head.  He was taken home, fell again in the evening and returned to the ER the next day after he showed signs of confusion.  Ultimately he tested positive for Covid on Monday, and last night he lost his battle.  The past 48 hours have been a nightmare. 

So, things that I am angry about: 

uBPD/NPD Mom wants to blame my brother, sister-in-law, and nephew for getting my dad sick, when it's clear that he didn't contract it at the same time as she did.  In fact, after she was sick, she didn't quarantine, didn't wear a mask in the house, and exposed him to the virus.  He got sick two weeks after she did, so he either caught it from her or at a doctor's visit. 

When he was in the hospital, she ignored hospital rules and refused to wear a mask while in the hospital and in his room.  She consistently exposed people who came to the house (housekeeper, lawn help, etc.) and didn't wear a mask or inform them that she had active Covid at the time.

Yesterday, at the hospital, she made a huge show of crying and wailing, but switched it off the second she thought that the doctor was talking to another family member without her being able to hear what he was saying.  She immediately butted in and demanded that the doctor talk to her instead, since she was "the wife" (this was not the only time she had done this).

Last night after my Dad had died, I was upset enough that I just wanted to go home, so I drove the 3 hours home late in the evening.  I got up again today and drove back down, along with scapegoat brother, to help Mom figure out the funeral arrangements and try to get something scheduled.  We had a 2-hour discussion among myself, both brothers (older brother was on Zoom), my sister-in-law, my adult daughter, and my mom and we thought we had come to an agreement about the type of service we wanted for Dad.  I went around the table and asked each person multiple times if this was agreeable, and all answered yes.  At this point, Mom called the funeral home and began to speak with them about setting things up.  We could hear her in the other room having a conversation, and at some point my brother and I heard her say something along the lines of "my children don't want that", in a tone that suggested that she wanted the other person to think that she had nothing to do with the decision.  After more talking, she came back in the room and began discussing arrangements with us and lo and behold, she was discussing something completely different than what we had agreed upon.  I was confused, and asked her what happened to the original plan, and 1) she denied that we had ever discussed, 2) said that we were going behind her back making plans, 3) said she didn't hear us, and 4) that she never agreed to that.  She rapidly progressed to a rage, screaming that I didn't care about my dad, that I was ignoring his wishes, that I was being disrespectful to her, and that we were just angry with her because she hasn't made an appointment to get hearing aids.  She was yelling that we were snakes, stabbing her in the back.  I left.  Afterwards, she transferred her anger to my scapegoat brother, began cursing at both of us, so he left a few moments after I did.  In the evening she called golden child brother and asked him "what the h--- is wrong with your sister?"  She claimed that younger brother and I were just trying to go against everything she tried to do and that she just didn't understand why.  When my older brother (who had backed us up earlier on the agreed arrangements) didn't have an answer for her, she hung up on him.  Last I heard, he was going to try and call her back and calm her down.

The good thing is that I stayed relatively calm (I mean I was shaking when I left, but I didn't blow up at her).  I told her that I was done for the day and that I needed to leave.  GC brother commented this evening that he couldn't believe how quickly she had escalated to a rage from what was a simple question.  He seemed stunned.  I don't think he has ever really witnessed her doing this before, even though my younger brother and I have told him this is not uncommon. 

I was supposed to drive back down again tomorrow to help her with a meeting at the funeral home, but I have decided that I am not going.  My presence there would only be a trigger for her, and she doesn't really want anyone else's input.  Younger brother is also not sure if he is going, even though he is also expected to drive back down.  This means that she will be left to make the arrangements by herself.  We never intended for this to happen, but neither of us are willing to let her continue to abuse us.

[Notwendy]

I am sorry for your loss.

First of all- nobody is responsible for your father's death. He was seriously ill. He had several medical conditions.

My father passed away some time ago. My BPD mother's behaviors were difficult, during and after this time. It makes sense that such a stressful situation would cause them to increase. She also painted me black at this time, going so far as to disown me at the time.

We also had a conflict over funeral arrangements. She also got furious that I sent an email to the clergy about my father to help with the eulogy. I almost didn't go to the funeral as I didn't feel I had any place in her remaining family. My kids wanted to go. They loved my father and were close to them. I then decided to go for them.

You know you loved your father. Now is the time to take care of yourself. You do what you need to do. You can honor him in your own way. You can donate to a charity in his memory, or whatever has meaning to you. If you have a religion, go to your place of worship. Or just go outside alone and give him a moment of silence, but take care of you at this time.  

Don't take your mother's behaviors personally. She's acting on her own feelings- it's not about you. But you don't have to tolerate being treated poorly.

[lm1109]

I am so very sorry for your loss.

Don't take your mother's behaviors personally. She's acting on her own feelings- it's not about you. But you don't have to tolerate being treated poorly


This is very true... Try to remember that your mother is massively dysregulated right now...and that none of it is personal...but as notwendy said: you need to take care of yourself first. I know what it is like to try to grieve alongside a highly dysregulated BPD person...and I found it near impossible. It seemed that I was not "allowed" to grieve and nothing that I did was right or enough to fill the bottomless pit of endless NEED from my BPD Mom. I am in the midst of healing a massive amount of delayed grief because of this!

The only real advice I can give is to get through what you can/need to during this time with her and then give yourself the gift of some space to grieve for yourself and give yourself extra self care and love. I WISH I had followed the advice of giving myself love and support first...before trying to love and support anyone else. However, you don't know what you don't know...I am supporting and loving myself now and I hope you do as well!

Sending you lots of support 

[zachira]

I am sorry for the loss of your father and the behaviors of your mother which add to the stress and grief. I echo what others have said to do what you have to do to take care of yourself. I am glad you have the support of your brothers.

[Methuen]

I am so sorry for your loss.  

Your mother is completely dysregulated now, and completely irrational.  

There is nothing anyone can do to change that.  She has to self soothe, and that isn’t likely to happen right now.

Your decision to stay home today is a good one.  Good for you!

Regardless of how the funeral arrangements go, you can also honor your father in your own way, and even in your own private ceremony.  That is probably all you can control.

Again, I am sorry for your loss.

[GaGrl]

I am so sorry for your loss. Good advice from others...your mother will do what she wishes about funeral arrangements, but that doesn't limit how you honor your relationship with your father.

Take care of yourself -- I have arranged funerals for my sister, my father, and my mother, and I know it is draining.

Your brothers sound supportive. This is a time to lean on each other.

[khibomsis]

I am so sorry for your loss!
That moment when I discovered my mother was batPLEASE READ crazy, looney as coot, the kind of crazy that if you read about it or saw it in other families you would feel sorry for the children, that took a minute. Months for my soul to catch up with my body, a year or so in therapy and another couple re-mothering my inner child to something like a healthy state.
Have you read "Understanding the Borderline Mother"? I would highly recommend it. There is a thread here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=53779.0
Self care is key. You can't do anything about your unhealthy childhood but you can  take care of yourself now. Do you feel your brothers are able to handle the funeral details without you?

[InPurgatory]

Thank you all so much.  It helps more than you know.

First of all- nobody is responsible for your father's death. He was seriously ill. He had several medical conditions.

My father passed away some time ago. My BPD mother's behaviors were difficult, during and after this time. It makes sense that such a stressful situation would cause them to increase. She also painted me black at this time, going so far as to disown me at the time.

Don't take your mother's behaviors personally. She's acting on her own feelings- it's not about you. But you don't have to tolerate being treated poorly.

Notwendy, you're correct that nobody is responsible for his death.  I abbreviated a lot last night, due to fatigue and stress.  The reason I was angry about what she said is that my 18-year old nephew is taking this very hard because he blames himself and thinks that he is responsible for getting everyone sick and for my father's death.  My mom's words are hurtful and I worry a lot about how much he is internalizing her comments.  Also, it's the hypocrisy of her actions.  She was super careful all through the pandemic, until she got sick.  Then she didn't care about being cautious around my dad because it was inconvenient for her.  And now she thinks there is no point in being careful anymore because she "can't get it again right now".  There's absolutely no concern for any other human being around her.

GC (older) brother called Mom back last night, and they spent two hours on the phone planning the funeral.  Mom told him that she was upset with us because she didn't want to have a funeral that she would be embarrassed by.  She claimed that younger brother and I were just trying to get out of doing any of the work.  She met with the funeral director today to go over arrangements.  Scapegoat (younger) brother and his wife ended up driving down and helping, but she was dysregulated today as well.  Ten minutes before her appointment, she called my daughter's phone and asked if we were on our way (Notice, she didn't call me to ask directly).  My daughter told her we weren't coming, so she spent the rest of the day ranting about what a bad daughter I am to my brother.  Of course, today she was super sweet to him and his wife in front of other people, in spite of having raged at him yesterday too.  However, she didn't ask his opinion on anything.  She just wanted him there to drive her around to places.

Younger brother called this evening to let me know what was planned.  Mom was apologizing to the funeral director for not having everything decided before today because, according to her, "we met and talked yesterday, but couldn't get anything done because nobody could agree on anything"

I know what it is like to try to grieve alongside a highly dysregulated BPD person...and I found it near impossible. It seemed that I was not "allowed" to grieve and nothing that I did was right or enough to fill the bottomless pit of endless NEED from my BPD Mom. I am in the midst of healing a massive amount of delayed grief because of this!

This.  It's as if it doesn't register that anyone else in the family is grieving.  It's all about her and her needs right now.  I mean, I'm aware that this is just part of the disorder and I was doing okay with trying to support her until she began raging at me.  Now, I'm putting my own grief on hold until we get past this week because it's taking all I have to not react to her, then I will try to take some time and process things later.

Have you read "Understanding the Borderline Mother"? I would highly recommend it. There is a thread here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=53779.0
Self care is key. You can't do anything about your unhealthy childhood but you can  take care of yourself now.

Do you feel your brothers are able to handle the funeral details without you?

I read this a few months ago, and it was helpful.  I've been doing a lot better about mothering myself and refusing to tolerate bad treatment.  In fact, this was one of the few things my Dad and I ever had a disagreement about.  He was unhappy that I wasn't communicating with my Mom after she blew up at me a number of months ago.  He just wanted me to let it go like I always have.  There was a great deal of codependency in their relationship, and he couldn't stand it when she was upset.  My brothers do understand and support me, which helps a lot.

I don't think my mom will really need anyone else, as she had already decided what she wanted to do.  She will likely recruit my nephews to help her with whatever she can't get me or their dad (younger brother) to do for her.  She already has a laundry list of things for them to do this week for her in preparation for the visitation and funeral.

[Notwendy]

The reason I was angry about what she said is that my 18-year old nephew is taking this very hard because he blames himself and thinks that he is responsible for getting everyone sick and for my father's death.  My mom's words are hurtful and I worry a lot about how much he is internalizing her comments.  

There's absolutely no concern for any other human being around her.


This.  It's as if it doesn't register that anyone else in the family is grieving.  It's all about her and her needs right now.  
Now, I'm putting my own grief on hold until we get past this week because it's taking all I have to not react to her, then I will try to take some time and process things later.

This is very similar to when my father passed away. My mother was oblivious to anyone else grieving. She was angry at me at the time and so treated me as if I was not a member of the family. I had started to have boundaries with BPD mother and my father also wanted me to continue to appease her like I had before but the escalation of her verbal and emotional abuse was not something I could handle. When I did that, my father got angry at me too.

Please take the time and space to grieve. Find support where you can. Even complete strangers were more supportive to me than my mother Grief takes its own course. Occasionally,  I'd just start crying - anywhere, a parking lot, coffee shop- people would ask if I was OK. Friends offered to take me to lunch, have my kids over. People who lived far away, even old friends, sent me emails. Get counseling if you need it.

For your 18 year old nephew- I think there was some messaging to the youth about protecting older people during the pandemic. This age group tended to do better if they were to get Covid, and so some of them didn't take it as seriously, so the message to them was to be more mindful so they don't infect older family members. I think this was an important message to help prevent infections in a family, but on the other hand, may have made them ( or anyone else ) feel overly responsible too. I think it would help to reach out to him with compassion. How much does he understand about your father's condition? I wonder if it would help if someone from your father's medical team explained his condition and reassured your nephew.

[Go3737]

I am very sorry for your loss and the pain you are going through.