NPD/BPD couple

[Zuckerman]

I am an NPD and my partner is a BPD. Somehow we've managed to stay together for 2 years but I feel it may be coming to an end.

(Some of you may be wondering if I really am an NPD if I can admit I am one. I am indeed a self-aware NPD, and it is my self-awareness that allows me to control and mitigate some of my symptoms, which is the only way a NPD/BPD relationship could be possible I think)

One of the earlier turning points in our relationship was around half a year ago when we started having intense fights on an almost daily basis. She would go into her BPD rage and I would respond with NPD rage. Lots of yelling, name calling, item throwing, and of course suicide threats from my partner. She would climb onto the balcony expecting me to pull her off (which I did). She pretended to faint one time and "woke up" howling with laughter right before I dialled 911. She would storm out of my apartment in the middle of the night, expecting me to come after her (which I did).

Shortly afterwards she went to see her family back in her home country, and the fights continued over text message. I was planning a holiday for the two of us, and what set her off was when I asked her to pay for her flight separately. Cue the BPD rage and emotional abuse. At that point I decided I had enough and blocked her.

For the next few months I went near zero-contact. I say "near" as on my birthday she sent me a nice birthday message, which I replied and thanked her for. I didn't continue the conversation beyond that.

After 3 or so months of near zero-contact, I suddenly get a text message: "I'm back". I come back home later that evening to find her IN my apartment. Needless to say I was not happy and responded with NPD rage. I told her I didn't want to be with her anymore, and she had to get out and leave immediately. She then put on her act of false remorse and promising to change and never rage again. I told her "no way" and made her purchase a plane ticket back to her home country.

Before flying back she needed a few days to get her affairs in order so I allowed her to stay at my place. She had calmed down by then and was no longer raging. We went out for a walk and it felt nice. It reminded me how nice it could be spending time with her when she wasn't in BPD rage mode.

I can't remember exactly why but she ended up not flying back to her home country and we pretty much picked up our relationship where we left off. Perhaps I was lonely and needed some new narcissistic supply. It wasn't long before the BPD rage returned on an almost daily basis. At this point I tried to change my response, by ignoring her as much as I could, so as to not reinforce her behaviour. However all this did was trigger her fear of abandonment, and cause her to rage even more.

Because of my own emotional issues, it became very difficult to just completely ignore her. I would feel too guilty, and worry that perhaps she really would self-harm. Another turning point came one day when I was attending some new apartment inspections. She wanted to come of course but went into a BPD rage that morning (I can't remember why), so I ended up leaving and going on my own. Of course she continued her emotional abuse via text message and tried calling me dozens of times. Eventually I told her if she calmed down she can come to the afternoon inspection. When she did, I could sense she was still in her BPD rage mood. After the inspection though she flipped, probably after fantasizing about our new life in our new apartment. I was still in agony though, but at least she was in a state of mind that allowed her to listen to what I had to say.

I mentioned to her that the ONLY way our relationship would have a chance was if she could treat and improve her BPD. I would no longer tolerate her BPD rages, particularly so as an NPD (at this point in our relationship I would very seldom go into NPD rages, however I still have hallmark NPD traits of feeling of grandiosity, extreme sensitivity to criticism, etc. so her BPD guilt projections and blaming would cut me to the core). She seemed to really understand what I had to say, and for the next couple of months she was much better at keeping her emotions in check. I was actually feeling quite optimistic about the future. We even agreed to get married. However that all came to a crashing halt a few days ago.

For some reason over the last few days she always seemed to be in a bad mood. Not going into BPD rages but just generally being pissy with me. One day she finally snapped. I was lying in bed with the lights off, and she suddenly barged in and turned on the lights, didn't say anything and just sat on the floor with her phone. I of course was not happy. Earlier on in our relationship she did the same thing once and I flew into NPD rage. I did not go into rage this time, but sternly said to her what she did was very rude. She said "sorry" in a pissy tone and left. Not more than 30 seconds later she stormed back in and went into full BPD rage mode. I did my best to completely ignore her. Eventually she tired herself out and we went to bed. But the rage continued the next day. This time what set her off is when I asked her to get dressed, we're leaving in 5 minutes, as we previously planned to attend a sporting event in the afternoon. Again I did my best to ignore her and tried to just leave the apartment, but she would just stand in front of the door. Eventually I found a small opening and dashed out. Apparently she scraped her hand against the door in the process of trying to stop me, and sent me messages saying what a horrible person I was for hurting her. I did not lay a single finger on her and never would. Cue the million abusive messages and phone call attempts. I told her I'm putting my phone in airplane mode and would speak to her once she calmed down.

I returned home later that evening to find the apartment turned upside down. Things were thrown everywhere. Once I saw that I knew that her BPD was only getting worse, not better. I decided to cut my losses and get out. I told her we were finished. She responded with another episode of tears and false remorse. Although this time she went even heavier with the projection and guilt-tripping, and went on a whole tirade of how it was my fault she raged, and how awfully I treat her in general. When she is in her BPD rage mode she has no capacity to reason so I didn't try arguing with her. I just listened, awestruck by her belief that she was the victim.

The next morning she AGAIN went into BPD rage. She asked me if I can give her a copy of my apartment keys and I very calmy said no (at this point I was very downtrodden). That set her off. After a few more rounds of trying to ignore her guilt tripping, I told her I had enough and I'm going to put some headphones in. She then stormed off, sent me a couple angry messages, and now it's been a couple days since I've heard from her.

I've been feeling a mix of grief and relief the past couple of days. I actually feel a physical pain in my heart from the grief, and haven't had any appetite (I'm normally a big eater). At the same time, I feel a tremendous sense of relief coming home to an empty apartment, knowing that I won't be walking on eggshells tonight.

I'm quite conflicted on what to do if she comes back. I'm sure my emotions will fluctuate quite wildly over the next several days. I still care about her and would be willing to continue the relationship ONLY if she is serious about treating her BPD. I thought about giving an ultimatum to see a therapist, but I don't think always trying to control/manage her is going to work. (She is a very needy-type BPD). The only way it would work if she herself is serious about recovery.

Anyways I'm not sure what I'm looking for by posting this. Just wanted to share my situation. Any thoughts, comments, or suggestions are welcome.

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