Family normalizes my adult sister's bad behavior

[zeitgeist]

Hi everyone and thanks to all of you for your participation on this board.

I'm new here.  My FOO consists of 5 of us including me.  My father passed away about several years ago.  He had some narcissistic tendancies, but was generally well-liked and beneviolent.  We got along well and he was proud of me and my own family, including his only grandchildren by me.  He was well-known in our city and my parents were admired.  I have been married for over 20 years to a nice man and have 2 grown children who are very accomplished and independent.

My sister has uBPD (witch), although I only figured this out recently.  My mother may be a milder case (queen).  They are very close.  My sister has tried to completely control my mother and her assets since my father passed away.  She is really horrible to deal with.  She manipulative, mean, has stolen assets from her minor orphaned niece, took her mil's money and moved her to a crappy nursing home to limit the depletion of her estate even tho she has plenty of money for her own care, has cars towed for overlapping her driveway by inches, gets in arguments with strangers over silly things, fights with neighbors, has been sued resulting in large losses because she didn't follow labor law (made someone work without paying them), sends me terrible, cruel and kind of crazy emails with lists of accusations against my own family.  The accusations include a lot of "You think..." statements that have no basis in anything we have said or done, but probably come from what she thinks of herself.  She took my mom to a new attorney and changed her will so I dont really know what's in it.  And these are only the things I know about.

 We had a falling out a few years ago when she was being outright rude to us at a family gathering and I called her on it.  What followed was a stream of well-rehearsed insults, and we have not spoken in person since.

My mother has always protected my sister and tried to normalize her behavior.  I think at this point she has got to see that there is a problem.  She is begging me to reconcile cause I'm sure deep down she is worried about what will happen when she dies.  I did not realize until my father passed how much he was keeping control of. 

I am trying to keep a relationship with my mom, but it's getting really hard.  My sister lives near her and has a ton of influence over everything she does and also has her ear.  She's been pretty successful in turning my mother against me and her only grandkids.  I would love to help my mom more, but my mom is afraid to accept my help cause she doesnt want to anger my sister.  My mom is in her 80s and has never liked me that much because she cannot control my life.  My sister has basically 3 people in her life (husband, my brother, and my mom)  and controls all of them with an iron fist.  My brother needs to inherit my moms estate, so he goes along with my sister so she wont do to him what she has done to others.  Her husband is a weakling and has let my sister destroy his family.

Thank you for listening.  I have been trying to keep my mom from getting isolated by her, but my mom is also a difficult person and is mad at me for tearing the family apart.

[gotbushels]

Hi zeitgeist   

Your FOO sounds like a very difficult family to handle and manage, let alone grow from. Well done on helping your children to be accomplished and independent. These are some things I think you can consider you've got more than your sister: but you seem to have lived a fuller life (created two socially beneficial adult children), have not stolen assets like your sister has stolen from a niece, and understanding (empathy) what a horrible person looks like to deal with.

It's said that people that come from a background with a queen-styled M have difficulties in being emotionally mature adults—relative to families without this member. So you can at least pat yourself on the back for those fabulous (my opinion) things that you do have. Good children are a tremendous blessing, and being immoral is evil. You seem to be on the good end for these two areas in those places you shared.

I understand the reconciling thing a little. Something that helps me a lot in these situations is to return to the analogy of being the lighthouse. Know your job, know what isn't your job. Then if you see you may have attendant obligations from a familial relationship, get clear with those too. If you're not to be a mother to someone (you have personal experience as to what these duties are)—then know that and allocate your resources to a place of where you choose the relationship.

I hope you enjoy your peace and your situation with your sister improves.



"Consider a lighthouse. It stands on the shore with its beckoning light, guiding ships safely into the harbor. The lighthouse can’t uproot itself, wade out into the water, grab the ship by the stern, and say, "Listen, you fool! If you stay on this path, you may break up on the rocks!" "
Resource.

[zeitgeist]

Thank you for your kind words.  I love the lighthouse analogy.  I am also trying not to make things worse, which seems to happen any time I do anything. 

My sister has been "difficult" since I can remember, but she has gotten more destructive by the year and really accelerated after my father died, and she could take control with no one to reign her in.  I knew there were certain family dynamics I did not want to repeat in my own family, but did not realize the group of characteristics were part of the cluster b disorders until my own vilification by my family, namely my sister.  I have been very grateful that I have not passed along most of the negative characteristics that I took for granted as normal.  I believe I have broken the cycle.  Interestingly, everything really blew up because my daughter, who is very academic and driven, selected a college other than the one we all went to.  Keep in mind that she worked her tail off to gain admissions to a school with impossible admissions standards, but that my husband and I are paying for all of it!   My sister uses anything she can to cause rifts between people.  They also seem very threatened by the prospect of these young people possibly doing better than they.  Funny, cause this is obviously what most healthy parents want.

The most complicated factor is the younger generation.  On some level, my family loves them and there are no other grandchildren, and they do not have any cousins on this side.  I dont want to and really cant force them to interact with these mean people.  Recently my sister, after sending a vicious and cruel email to me, offered to have me meet with either her alone or my mom, sister and brother by myself to talk things out.  While I am far from a chicken and have probably heard every terrible thing in the book come from them, I find it hard to believe it would be constructive.  Also, mom wants the family back together and that does not fix the situation with my husband and children.  And I cannot fix it as they are all adults.

I suggested we meet with a counselor, but that was rejected.  In addition to keeping the hateful retoric down, I thought this might be a back door to getting my sister some help.  I have tried to just concentrate on my relationship with my mom, but inevitable it blows up because I am not interacting with her other children.  I feel like I am in so over my head and have twisted myself into pretzels trying to figure out how to handle this that I am ready to throw in the towel entirely and not even speak to my mother.  It's been really hard to stay on an even keel for my own family.  I feel like telling my mom that I cant have anything to do with my sister until she gets help.  But given how lucrative her behavior is for her, I dont see he doing it unless my mom and brother insist. 

Any suggestions would be welcome. 

[Harri]

Hi and welcome!

But given how lucrative her behavior is for her, I dont see he doing it unless my mom and brother insist.

Getting someone into therapy is difficult especially if they don't think they have a problem so even if your brother and mom do agree and you can present a united front, it is going to be a battle. 

That is not to say that things can't get better for you.  Having a family member with BPD or BPD traits is challenging but here are things you can do to improve communication for you and that sometimes helps the other family member.  I really like what gotbushels shared about the lighthouse.   I think of it as knowing what is mine to take care of and what belongs to others and allowing the other person to self care.  Sometimes that means standing apart from them.  sometimes that means they stay on their same course.  Being okay with their choices while keeping boundaries that protect us is the goal.

Because a family operates as a unit or a system, what I said above also applies to your mom and brother.  Your mom will probably push for you to reconcile with your sister.  No mom wants to see their kids fighting and she probably is concerned about what will happen when she is gone like you said.  You still get to choose what you want.

Okay, at this point I am rambling.    You asked for suggestions and I think reading about and learning some of the tools we offer here are the place to begin.   Check out the threads tacked at the top of the board. 

In the meantime, if you had to pick one thing to work on what would it be?  Let's talk.