Ultimatums, frustration and feel like its all been a waste of my time

[Imatter33]

 

I have my boundaries in mind. Now I am faltering at how to communicate them. One boundary I set in place back in May, ( in an effort to stop triangulation) was that I would stop talking to my siblings about my mom. Especially MY relationship with her.

I went with NC with mom March 13. My mother's birthday and mothers day were in May. I sent a group text to my siblings stating I was not going to be involved in celebrations and that I needed more time.

It has been close to 9 months of nc. And I know in my soul that holidays are not the time to go contact after this much time not speaking.


I feel this pressure, (my husband says its FEAR) to communicate to them all that I'm not seeing mom for the holidays. I was going through all of the scenarios to try to pick one I felt was the best.

I think I am afraid if I don't find a loving way to communicate I have created a boundary, then it does not exist. What do you all think of my logic?
 

My husband stated that me telling them about my decision actually GOES AGAINST  my boundary of not communicating with them about my mom.

I dissociated yesterday. I got caught up in the FOG of communicating to siblings, and my husband said I was staring in space for an hour, became somber, and mean to him. I picked a fight about him not being there for me.

I later tried to see his point of view, tried to explain my grief, but I do see his POV, and I do change my attitude toward him without warning.

And ultimately the boundaries I am attempting to have with my siblings  currently pale in comparison to the ones I have been coming up with for my mom if we resume a relationship. All of this just compounds on my stress level.

He kind of lost patience I guess. Said I do this often (like for 10 years)  and he's tired of it.
SO he bluntly said 'I don't know what you want to do, but I never want to deal with your mom again, because it will come back on me, and she can't see her granddaughter either." (paraphrasing here)

So he laid down this ultimatum, and completely added a huge component to "boundary setting." I feel like its all been for nothing because he basically does not want us to continue a relationship.

And he said he knows" i'll always love her and shes my mom, but bc we have a daughter this is how its going to be."

Taking my daughter and husband out of the equation to what kind of relationship I could have with my mom solo, seems unfulfilling and more trouble than its worth.

I feel like I should have been talking about this bomb in counseling for the last six months, his level of negative feelings and their impact vs setting boundaries with my mother.

If it is a relationship with my mom, or my marriage, I choose my marriage. BUT THIS IS SO FRUSTRATING.

[zachira]

I hear your pain about wanting to express to your siblings your feelings about continuing NC with your mom over the holidays, and expressing these feelings to your husband has left you feeling invalidated, hurt, and misunderstood. Know that you are not alone in having so many mixed feelings about dealing with a mother with BPD and that the holidays can be especially stressful time for those of us with family members with BPD. You ask: "I think I am afraid if I don't find a loving way to communicate I have created a boundary, then it does not exist. What do you all think of my logic?" I think you are right, though what you are requiring of yourself sounds like something you are not quite prepared to do. In my experience, it takes time and lots of work, usually lots of long term therapy, before most of us with BPD family members, are able to communicate our boundaries with them without feeling overwhelmed and angry, and do it in such a way that we are kind and caring to ourselves and those we are communicating the boundary to. Can you tell us more about your relationships with your siblings and what concerns you most about how they might respond if you were to contact them about your plans to continue NC with your mom during the holidays? There are many people on this site who have a mother with BPD and are here to listen and support you. Do let us know how we can help. You are welcome to post any time, and we will respond.

[formflier]

Generally speaking...it's not wise to tell other people about the status of your relationship with someone else.

Families can be trickier, especially when you are NC with some members.  If your sisters are going to help you maintain NC (by say...not inviting you to holiday party Mom will be at), well then it would seem appropriate to include them.

Otherwise...leave them out of it.

Do you think your sisters are "onboard" with your NC boundary or do you think they will try to influence you to regain contact.

Best,

FF

[Imatter33]

I hear your pain about wanting to express to your siblings your feelings about continuing NC with your mom over the holidays, and expressing these feelings to your husband has left you feeling invalidated, hurt, and misunderstood. Know that you are not alone in having so many mixed feelings about dealing with a mother with BPD and that the holidays can be especially stressful time for those of us with family members with BPD.

Thank you for the validation here.


Can you tell us more about your relationships with your siblings and what concerns you most about how they might respond if you were to contact them about your plans to continue NC with your mom during the holidays?

My oldest brother is the boundary pusher who also shares BPD traits. He's the most enmeshed and the one that will become angry at me. In truth, why can't I get tougher? I think all that will happen is some texts that cut me down. (I've already decided I don't do phone calls with him)


While I don't have threats to worry about from my siblings, the emotional taxing and guilt have made me feel ill so many times. I just want to break the cycle.

Generally speaking...it's not wise to tell other people about the status of your relationship with someone else.

Families can be trickier, especially when you are NC with some members.  If your sisters are going to help you maintain NC (by say...not inviting you to holiday party Mom will be at), well then it would seem appropriate to include them.

Otherwise...leave them out of it.

Wow, so simply put.
Leave them out of it.

Should I change my thinking around "My nc is the elephant in the room?"

My oldest brother will influence me to make contact again its just a matter of time. He comes on strong, backs off, comes on strong, makes mean remarks, backs off, comes on strong etc.

Other two siblings have not brought it up and probably will not.

*To answer FF I don't think any sibling is on board with nc, and I'm the one trying to navigate
overt disagreement and covert disagreement with it.

[formflier]

Hey, can you catch us up on the decision to go NC?   

Best,

FF

[Imatter33]

Hey, can you catch us up on the decision to go NC?   

 At the date before nc I have a 3 week old at home, (first baby) and  we spent the day together. She was present, and able to enjoy the baby. (Really felt good as she often veers off from present moments to how she has "been really hurting in her spirit about our relationship."  the conversation never went there so I dare say I felt happy at being with her. The next day she asks to borrow money for a car to take impulse trip to visit her pastor. (She cannot even make her rent every month)   and I tell her I need  24 hours to talk it over with my husband. (I wanted to say no immediately but thought that 24 hours was super reasonable and I could get advice.

 She demands a quicker response. ( 20 min) I ultimately say no and she proceeds to call me two faced, a liar and that I don’t care about her. Then she tells me that my baby is only  healthy bc of her pastors prayers. (And since I was super hormonal at this time..I cried my eyes out)  She said I showed my true colors.That she jumps through hoops for me and that God has always been her number one, and how could "we" (my husband and I) make her deny her faith.She's "not just a mom" and don't ask her to be."

I have had this same type of scenario play out countless times (due to no boundaries)
Due to the sheer miracle of becoming a mom and the way it turns your whole life on its head (sleep deprivation and EVERYTHING ELSE) I just couldnt handle her. So we went NC. She then sent me a card a week later with no apology and a check for 400.00. It was signed from her and Christ. I ripped it up.

Becoming a mother has been the most beautiful event of my life and I've been living life with my child, not missing her faith crises , personal dilemmas and rage.

[Harri]

Should I change my thinking around "My nc is the elephant in the room?" ...  My oldest brother will influence me to make contact again its just a matter of time. He comes on strong, backs off, comes on strong, makes mean remarks, backs off, comes on strong etc...  Other two siblings have not brought it up and probably will not.

My thinking is that yes, you could change the way you are thinking about MC.  It is your decision and it is not something your siblings can change unless you allow that to happen.  Your brother pushes and does what he does.  End the conversation, say no, say "I know this is difficult and I am sorry it upsets you.  I have made my decision and it is not open for discussion"  He gets to be him with his needs, opinions and emotions and you get to have your own.  It takes practice and a lot of work with mindfulness to get to this point but it can be done.  In the meantime, dealing with the discomfort and upset is a part of healing and changing the way we respond and react. 

Your brother is going to try to get you to go back to the same old role you had in the family system.  In any system, each part has a role and helps maintain equilibrium.  When the role of one part (in this case you) changes all the other parts get thrown off and will try to 'fix' the part that changed and bring it back into sync.  That is where your brother is coming from most likely.  Stand firm.

Learning to differentiate from your family and learning coping skills to help you manage your own distress when dealing with your family will also help with your marriage, which needs to be a priority.  Have you had a chance to talk with your T about what your husband said?

[Imatter33]

  End the conversation, say no, say "I know this is difficult and I am sorry it upsets you.  I have made my decision and it is not open for discussion"  He gets to be him with his needs, opinions and emotions and you get to have your own.  It takes practice and a lot of work with mindfulness to get to this point but it can be done. 

In the meantime, dealing with the discomfort and upset is a part of healing and changing the way we respond and react. 

Thank you Harri, it is amazing how I cannot see how to phrase things (yet) and then when I ask questions of this community a  clear and effective  way  to communicate is shared,  and seems so much simpler than my mind makes of it.  I am also still allowing my family to be themselves but becoming a better boundaried version of myself.

My last counseling session of the year is Dec 3. SO I will bring my husband's viewpoint up then.