It comes down to that I just don't know how to do divorce.

[SamwizeGamgee]

Greetings.  My story is strewn across these boards, so I won't go too deep into history.  I had been holding things together in my marriage, mostly to stay present in my kids' lives.  I think I have overcome all the ambivalence, and I believe this marriage has to end eventually.  I am now thinking that sooner is better.  I'm getting what I think are health issues, mental and emotional, and not getting stronger - just getting older from my situation of enduring this marriage.  

It is starting to occur to me that maybe I'm just still married because I just don't know the steps to divorce. How should I start?

Uncertainty has keep me paralyzed.  Patience and endurance has kept me steady.  Kids have kept me motivated to put up with this married life.

Not to forget, my wife has several good traits, which make it a difficult situation to leave with a clear case for divorce.  However, she also has some fierce traits (she's effectively alienated my D18 against me, and she's had no contact for over two years).  Which makes it hard to decide to divorce so that I don't release the kraken of vengeful spouses.

Someone please kick-start me.  

Thanks for reading my venting!

[livednlearned]

It is starting to occur to me that maybe I'm just still married because I just don't know the steps to divorce. How should I start?

What steps have you taken so far?

You've been thinking about divorce for a while. What information have you gathered?

Maybe we can respond to what you've already gathered, and go from there with you.

[yeeter]

Hi Samwize!

I CAN RELATE!   

I was 'stuck' in indecision for years.  But unfortunately I do not have any great advice on how to get 'unstuck'.  The problem is that you are faced with two bad choices (kinda pick your poison type of thing). 

But choose you must.

Short term there is significant pain and suffering and work, to get out of a divorce.

Against the 'hope' that in the long run, getting out will be a better end state. 

Then nearly 100% uncertainty about all the details and what they would look like in reality, makes scenario planning difficult to do.  So stuck.  It is probably fear based as much as anything.

I look forward to hearing all the insights and advice, but just know you are not at all the first person to face this dilemma.

[SamwizeGamgee]

Not feeling alone matters.  Thanks.

I was much more on top of things a few years ago.  Then I began to slide into complacency, and possibly depression, at that time I stopped journaling, didn't read as much on self-help, mental illness, and divorce, parenting, etc.  I felt that I had reached enough of a level of being able to survive and get by, so I left it at that. At one time, I was well-studied about divorce, and had a realistic perspective.

I had interviewed at least four attorneys concerning divorce.  I discovered one that I felt could handle this case well. (aside, I almost gave up the pursuit of divorce after getting a financial snapshot from one attorney, and being told that the local courts don't really like shared custody on a 50/50 scale like I want - and dads lose) I set aside money, and continue to do so for emergencies and/or legal expenses.  I used to run a recorder on my person when wife was around.  I have preserved some documents and vital papers, though I should update things. 

I had, and still do, make efforts to develop strong and healthy personalities in my children.  I am fully committed to my kids and involved in as much as life allows.  I am still healthy and employed - so those are good factors. 
I used to be much better versed in a divorce mindset. 

I've got some general ideas of what to do in order to proceed, but have choices.  I'm not certain what she'll do, nor how to initiate the discussion / chain of events.

One option is a unilateral alpha-strike in which I proceed with legal action and notice and take the lead, more or less a surprise. (although my wife said several times she's living in uncertainty about whether or not I'll come home one day and announce that we're getting divorced).  That might make legal strategy sense, but seems acrimonious and will lead to life-long resentment. 

Another option, that I feebly tried last year, was to start couples counseling and reveal that I wanted to divorce for everyone's benefit during those structured settings.  To my chagrin, the counselor announced with conviction that we will not discuss divorce, nor mention the word.  So, that plan backfired.

Yet another option was to try to involve local clergy in a  private but more formal setting (less risk of explosive outbursts).

As far as what I can do to proceed, mostly I'd like a crystal ball to see which choice, and which method, including the possibility of staying married and surviving, led to the best outcome.  Alas.  There's no crystal ball.

[Meandmytwins]

I was stuck for years.  Only because we had young kids and I was worried that I would be letting them down, and that my wife (now my ex) would fall apart.  Then I realized I was letting my kids down by raising them in a toxic home, and that I needed to stop trying to take care of somebody who was constantly keeping us all on pins and needles. 

We had a couples therapist who recognized that the relationship was untenable and we both made appointments w lawyers to understand what a likely divorce outcome would look like.  We created a coparenting plan (well, I did anyway), got advice on division of assets, child support and alimony.  We created an interim plan to insure that neither one of us spent on anything other than our agreed upon budget. 

Was rough and contentious along the way, but we got it done.  I am so much happier now.  And so are my kids.  I realized that I was coasting through life and compromising everywhere.  If you know in your heart you need to get out of the relationship, understand what life will look like after.  Then commit.  You have probably been married to someone who has devalued you, and impacted your self esteem for years.  Important to rebuild and realize the best gift you can give yourself is to take control of your life. 

[Sluggo]

I could have written exactly what meandmytqins wrote. 

I was scared, complacent. Surving, beat down.  I allowed the kids to see for to long such a toxic environment.  That impacted older kids.  My younger get kids are better because less time seeing mom put down dad.  And me allowing that. 

It took.4 years after separation,  but I feel.so.much better and much better environment.   As forever dad says... much  better kids arenceom a broken home than live is a broken home. 

It was hell getting through, but glad.I did

[SamwizeGamgee]

Thank you all for sharing. 
I woke to a funny comparison.  Imagine the teenage boy afraid to walk up to a girl and ask her to dance or tell her how he feels.    Then I’m the scared, beaten husband afraid to walk up to his wife and tell her how he feels. 
Both boys need someone to stand beside him and nudge him on, saying “go and talk to her”.
I’m thinking on beginnings and ends.