New member seeking help (husband with undiagnosed BPD)

[LizzyLou86]

Hello, first off if you’re reading this thank you, and I really hope you respond. I came across this site while reading “Stop walking on eggshells” and I thought it may be a good place to turn. I’ll try to explain my situation in hopes that someone here can help me navigate this road, Bc I’m at my wits end and if I don’t get guidance or help soon I’m not going to be able to stay in this marriage.

My husband and I have been together for 9 yrs, married 5. We’ve always had issues with his ideals on what a marriage should be like (he thinks we should be exactly like, like all the same things and finish each other’s sentence) and especially with his anger, I just never really understood why, but it was always easier to just blame myself, say I was sorry, and/or give in just to try to move on. Throughout our marriage he’s threatened divorce when angry, says he never should have married me, that I make him miserable, then days later he apologizes and says he didnt mean anything he said and that I’m the best thing that’s ever happened to him. He’s also cheated on me numerous times but blamed me for it Bc I wasn’t “meeting his needs”.

 Now we have a 2 year old and it’s become unmanageable. He’s military so he’s been gone a lot during our marriage, which in some ways has made our issues worse. Currently he’s stationed in Japan for 2 years. He checks every single box for BPD, and I’m just now realizing this. In his clearer moments he knows he needs help, but those moments are getting fewer and fewer. He flys into rages about the absolute most trivial things (a dish towel not being put away, the way I load the dishwasher, how the clothes are folded...it’s always something that I’m not doing to his satisfaction), accuses me of insanely irrational things (like plotting to kill him), calls me names, says awful and hurtful things, says one thing then says the total opposite, twists my words around, “tells” me how I feel and then argues with me when I disagree then calls me argumentative, talks in innuendos and then gets mad when I don’t “get his point”, wants to look through my phone Bc he’s convinced I’m hiding things or talking about him to people (and when he finds nothing he accuses me of deleting things), thinks everyone is against him and out to get him, tells me I’m selfish and disrespectful Bc I don’t agree with everything he says, etc etc. Over the weekend he kept me on the phone for 5 hours until 130am and he went through every emotion from anger, to denial, to remorse, to calm and then back to anger. I kept trying to say I’ve worked all day, the baby gets up at 5am can we please calm down and talk about things tomorrow, but that makes me selfish and disrespectful and proves I don’t love him. All he wants to talk about when he’s angry is how miserable he is and how he hates me and wants a divorce, but if I say ok then that “proves” I don’t love him and if I try to plead with him he calls me stupid and says I’m stubborn and hardheaded. We can’t have normal conversations anymore. It seems like anything I say just sets him off into a foul mouthed rage.

I know he’s struggling and several times he’s mentioned having thoughts about hurting himself. So I try not to raise my voice, I never curse. I choose my words carefully, I try to listen and be understanding even when what he says is irrational. And I’m honest even though a lot of times that makes it worse especially when it’s not in line with his perception or it’s not what he wants to hear. I’m so so tired of this. I love him, I really really do. But that love is being so stretched so thin it’s become a daily struggle to want to stay in this. I literally walk on eggshells everyday, Im nauseous with every phone call. I dread when he comes home to visit. Im emotionally exhausted.

I work full time and I’m a single parent (Bc he’s in japan) which is hard enough, and though that’s not really his fault I still need his support, but yet I feel like I’m always giving and giving and still we continue to go backwards. We’ve tried counseling before and it didn’t work. He’d just yell at me about all the things I do wrong and how I ruin his life and we’d just leave there with him mad and me even more frustrated. The counselor would always say why don’t we  just try doing things his way...and I’m like I do! He dictates everything! How I literally do everything and yet he still will find something I didn’t do to his satisfaction to get angry about. I had to wash clothes a certain way, wash dishes a certain way, fold the laundry a certain way, clean the kitchen a certain way...and the list goes on and on. 

I need help, so much help! I’m so lost and confused. I don’t even know who I am anymore. I literally feel like I’m living in a twilight zone and I’m losing my mind. I should also mention both my family and his see his behavior and have begged him to get help, so it isn’t just me seeing this side of him, he’s just worse with me. In fact my MIL begs me to just divorce him.

Any advise or words of encouragement would be appreciated. It’s affecting my bond with our son Bc I’m always so emotionally drained, it’s affecting my work...I’m falling apart.

**I should also add that the possible BPD diagnosis came for a counselor he saw. He has never sought actual mental health care, nor is he interested. He uses the excuses that he will be kicked out, or that the care isn’t good, or the wait list is too long. Despite the 3 bases we’ve been to, the excuses are always the same

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[dragonfly77]

Wow this sounds so familiar! My husband does many of the same things - especially the not packing the dishwasher in the right way, not doing exercise movements in the right way (his parents treated him in the same kind of way), constantly accusing me of not meeting his needs etc. Generally he is pleasant and loving but he has episodes that get triggered by things that hurt him. Now it was the possibility of me being pregnant. He freaked out and said how this would mean he won’t be my only one and won’t ever get love again etc. (we’re extremely close, to the point that it’s probably not healthy but a symptom of the condition I guess). That then turned into how I’m the most horrible person in the world and I’m fat and a horrible wife that doesn’t love him at all, ever etc. Usually he feels like “himself” again after a few hours or a day or so, but it’s been a few days now. Usually it works to just be kind towards him and ride it out but I think it depends on how hurt he is. I wish I could help you more but please know that you’re not alone, I do understand how this feels. It helps me to remember that this behaviour comes from an extremely hurt place (my husband was emotionally abused as a child) and that it is not because I’m a horrible person (even if he says so).

[Ozzie101]

Welcome to the family, LizzieLou!

I can sense your exhaustion and frustration from your post and I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. But you have come to the right place. We understand where you're coming from and what you're going through, as dragonfly says.

While I don't have a child and my H isn't in the military, I can relate to so much of what you said. I, too, have felt like I'm losing my mind, unsure of which way is up, fearful to go home from work every day not knowing what I'd find.

Like yours, my H has told me he wants a divorce, that he wished he hadn't married me -- only to take it back later. He has told me I'm selfish. While he hasn't gone through my phone, he's accused me of hiding things.

twists my words around, “tells” me how I feel and then argues with me when I disagree then calls me argumentative, talks in innuendos and then gets mad when I don’t “get his point”

I could have written this.

Anyway, you're in good company. On the good side, we have a lot of tools we can share with you that can help make your situation better. It's not a guarantee and it does take work and effort, but it can happen. My H still has relapses, but our relationship is SO much better than it was a year ago.

The endless conversations are also familiar around here and it's best/key to find a way to end them before they get to the "unproductive" phase. It's important that you be able to get plenty of rest so you can respond in the best way. You gave an example below, but have you ever said (when you sense the conversation is going to head into la-la-land) something like this: "Wow, honey. You've given me something to think about. This is important to both of us so I really want to give it my full attention and take some time to think about it. We can talk about it tomorrow."

As you've noticed, the pleading with him, the efforts to please him, all have been unsuccessful. Right? So, maybe you need to break that pattern and change your way of responding. Easier said than done, I know, but we're here to help you walk through it.

I hope you'll look around this site. Read and post in others' threads. Read the articles and tools linked at the top of the screen. It's a lot, I know, and it can be overwhelming, but if you'd like, we can help point you to ones that may particularly pertain to your situation.

Keep posting!

[Nbpw34]

Hello,
I too have a husband who has symptoms of BPD , but has not been diagnosed. Your story is very similar to mine, so I just want you to know you are not alone. It has been a long process for me, but I have made a lot of progress over the past year. Accepting the fact that I can not do anything to change him, and the only thing I can change are my reactions to his behavior , has helped me to take back my life and enabled me to  quit being a victim. The most helpful resource for me has been “how to stop caretaking   the borderline/narcissist .”  The principals and tactics they give you on how to interact with the BPD have really worked, and I can now say that I no longer allow his moods affect mine. If you have not read this book, I would highly recommend it.  Best of luck and keep posting!