I feel so alone sometimes. Some days I feel like I will never heal.

[Amelia42]

Mod note: This post was split from the following thread as it merited its own discussion: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=341347.0

Hello, I am new to this website. I am glad to see I am not alone. I feel so alone sometimes. Some days I feel like I will never heal. Because I already had such bad trust issues it was a big step to let anyone in. She swept me off my feet and treated me like no other. I felt completely adored and truly loved. I caught her texting another woman and I went nuts after marrying her and seven years later. She slept with her four days later and blamed the entire thing on me. I’m almost one month with NC. I have to see her everyday too. It kills me. I obsess about who she is with, with so much shame and self blame. She is beautiful and very charismatic. I can hardly believe I said the things that I said and did when I found out she was texting another woman. Her loyalty was more with this new person than with me. It’s so painful.

[otherlife]

Hi Amelia42, I am sorry you feel so alone and fully understand.  Its a very painful and personal journey and at times unbearable but gets easier if you can do NC.  Its frightening how quickly they move on but its a survival thing for them, they have too because they cant do reflection as that would bring too much pain.  Its very sad and hard for us nons to comprehend but they mirror other people due to lack of core self and their emotions are a lot stonger than ours so once in new idealisation stage thats all that matters, they think they have found the person who will rescue them and everything will be alright.  Sadly from what i have read they continue to make the same mistakes due to the inability to self reflect.
I fully understand your trust issues as I too took a long time to find my Mr Right only to find out it was so wrong.  All I can suggest is keep reaching out keep healing yourself as thats the only thing you have control over.  Its a long hard journey and not easy, I still miss my ex even though I know it would never have worked in the long term.  We were together for 12 yrs, married for 10, were divorcing which should be easy but for some reason its stalled.  I am not asking why as I dont want to open up communications but feel he is still controlling things.  Were just past the 2 yr separation mark he moved on so quickly he now has 2 children with his new partner.  That does not surprise me as he had many addictions and I found out many more things later.    I somehow still mange to feel guilty because I didnt fully understand and didnt even realise his illness till after we parted.    I hate the loneliness but i am still trying to heal and have no intention of even thinking about another relationship until I am 100% focused on me but thats hard because my character is a fixer/caretaker.  Not a good combination with an BPD sadly.  Keep reading the posts on here so are very insightful, look up 2010 posts, they certainly helped me get perspective ..just need to heal now.

[Amelia42]

Thank you so much other life. I will read the posts. I feel this forum can provide me with some help and insight. I have read a few books on BPD already. It’s hard to believe that is who she is.  I am really trying to stop the self blame. I remember she said to me “I am good in the beginning, but in the end I am not.” I never understood it. She told me she had BPD but I didn’t believe it. She blames that on me too.  She held it together for so long and was so self righteous about how honest and loyal she was. I now know she was probably leading a double life. She told me that she is now seeing several women and “everyone wants to be with her.” It’s just crushing. I moved out two months ago and it’s baby steps. I love what we had or thought we had. Now I realize it was just my turn.

[Amelia42]

Other life I am glad you are healing.