How It Began

[haypigyahu]

The morning after an explosive evening, I tend to ask myself ‘how did you get HERE? To this place of uncertainty and dismay.’ And then I have to remind myself that it was out of love, compassion, and that he isn’t the embodiment of evil every day. It’s a hard road to travel when you are mostly alone. I’m very thankful for finding this site and to read so many people sharing my life with their stories.

This morning, my question turned inward once again, as I go through periods of shame. I grapple with the outside world’s perspective. When everyone around me thinks I should leave him, am I a fool to stay? And how DID I get here? How do we all get here? Honestly, It feels like such an inappropriate question, but one I so desperately would like feedback on.

Did your person always exhibit signs of BPD? Was it gradual? Did you already develop attachment when that first over-reaction occurred? Was it sporadic after that or a ripple effect? Did they already know, or did you discover the diagnosis together?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cpete18]

I think this often. Why am I putting myself through this. My H and I met online. We would text and talk on the phone quite a few times before we actually met. Our first date was going 4 wheeling and we had a great time together sharing lots of laughs but we instantly knew we didn’t want a romantic relationship together. We had such a connection as friends though that we continued to spend time together which soon became spending every single day together. He definitely showed signs of BPD right away but at the time he was my friend so I didn’t care as much. I didn’t care if he was upset or angry because it wasn’t usually directed at me and he did a good job at holding back his dominance in the beginning. He was fun and I was lonely and I liked that he wanted as much attention as I wanted. I don’t like drama but I thrive in chaos and he is definitely chaotic. He was a challenge and was never really shown what love is and how someone should treat you when they do love you and I thought if I could just be stable enough and love him enough that I could heal him. He is A LOT better now in a lot of ways because of my consistent love but I am a lot more broken because of his consistent abuse. I used to be such a positive person who laughed and had fun and was easy going. One of the biggest reasons I knew I initially didn’t want to be with him was because he had such a negative perspective of things. Now I am anxious and bitter. I’m trying to work through it. Part of me thinks that if I heal myself I will love him less and be ready to end our marriage. That is a scary thought. He has extremely good qualities that are hard to find in a man now a days though so that is a major attraction to me. 

[paperinkart]

I totally resonate with “outsiders opinions”. I have been really lucky to have very supportive friends that have never made me feel bad for always choosing to stay, but I do know they wonder why the hell I put up with some of this stuff.

I also completely feel the “how did we get here” question. Sometimes I feel like my relationship is a movie and I’m watching from the outside going “WHAT AM I DOING?”

***updated: I had written about 8 more paragraphs that got deleted

[paperinkart]

Sorry, me again  

My phone won’t post the rest of my message so I’ll try to paste it here:

***updated: I had written about 8 more paragraphs that got deleted  

I won’t type it all out again but trust that you can make good choices for yourself and it doesn’t matter what others think. You know yourself and your partner better than anyone and even though it sometimes feels like “WTH are we doing?”, remember that you are both growing through it. It may not be perfect or right for you all the time, and that’s okay.

A big thing I’ve had to do is accept for myself (not for others) that yeah, even when things are really hard, I’m probably going to keep staying and keep choosing him. Is it the healthiest? Probably not. But is it my choice? Yup! And that’s okay. You cannot stop yourself from loving someone. Once you stop questioning yourself so much, it becomes easier to ignore or politely disregard other people’s opinions of you and your relationship.
And the truth is, every relationship is hard. If it’s not, it’s probably not worth being in.

I should also say that if you decide you’d like to lovingly depart the relationship, that’s totally fine too. Either way, whatever you decide to do (now or in the future) is completely right and you don’t need to justify it to anyone (not even yourself).

Wishing you all the best

[paperinkart]

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[alittleawkward]

I like that phrase, lovingly departing. It was very difficult to leave my partner and I wonder every day what my life would be like now if I could see them more. I miss the intimacy and the chats in the covers and the silly little dates, but I don't miss the random explosion of emotions over anything from standing too close to them in the kitchen to talking to my friends on the phone.

My ex did not showcase BPD to begin with - or so I thought. Our friendship group always understood they were heavily manipulated by their previous ex, however the more I think about it now the more I consider whether the stories were distorted in order to make the ex seem like the bad person in the relationship.  The ex would often rise up to any comments made in friendship groups/online, and add more fuel to the fire which just made my exes stories appear more creditable and true (something I saw and have not done myself).

My ex was heavily depressed to begin with, and looking back now, the first sign of it at all was about 2 months into our relationship when I had to call them every day and talk them out of panic attacks and suicidal thoughts. That's when the daily and constant stream of messaging started, and after that point, updates on my every move and thought were required. I think this is when I became 'hooked'.
The symptoms definitely intensified the longer we stayed together - verbal abuse, condescending online exposure, un-necessary patronising, disgust at my own interests or doing stuff with my friends and without my partner. If it wasn't about them it wasn't good, and even then, sometimes it wasn't enough.

 In leaving them though, they initially went back to their ex and finally had the courage to end a relationship themselves, as well as enter therapy and find out about BPD. Despite my constant encouragement, I'm not sure this would've happened if we stayed together.

 I still worry and care about them every waking hour of the day, but it's a little comforting (and sad) knowing it's not my problem or place to help anymore, as much as I would like to, and at least nowadays its not every second, or every minute. They know where I am if they need me, they know it wouldn't work to get back together at the moment, and they know that I love and miss them. Maybe, hopefully, one day it'll change, and work.