Wondering if he is a lost cause

[Murray29]

This last year has been a living hell. Things keep getting worse and worse. And worse is the new normal.  Things have gotten so bad that now I am involved in the legal system because i slapped my husband during one of his explosions and got arrested for domestic battery. The silver lining is that one of the court orders is that i was required to take a domestic violence evaluation with a counselor. Right away, she told me that i am a victim and that my husband is very verbally and emotionally abusive. I can't even go to my husband and share this with him, though because there is no way of seeing himself for what he is. She wants me to keep coming to get counseling and that i'm in need of some empowerment and that I need to set boundaries with him. I really don't know what to do. I kind of feel like I've set into motion the beginning of the end.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Ozzie101]

Hello, Murray! Welcome to the family!

I'm so sorry you're going through this. While police never got involved and it never escalated to physical violence, I went through verbal and emotional abuse last year. I know the pain, the confusion, the hopelessness. It's a bewildering thing to have to deal with and my heart goes out to you.

Is he a lost cause? That depends. A lot of that depends on him. If he recognizes and accepts the role he plays and that he needs to change? Makes dedicated effort? Yes, there is hope. If he won't or can't do that -- then, no there may not be hope for change.

But the important thing now is your safety and well-being.

The stronger and more stable you are, the easier it will be for you to handle your own emotions, which, in turn, can do a lot to keep incidents from spiraling out of control.

I'm so glad you're seeing a counselor who specializes in DV and that she recognized the situation for what it is. I met with a DV counselor and it did me a world of good. She's right. Setting boundaries and building yourself up are key components of recovery. How do you feel about continuing to see her?

[pursuingJoy]

Hi Murray! I want to jump in here and join Ozzie in welcoming you to the board!

It must be overwhelming to think you've set the beginning of the end in motion. I left my emotionally abusive husband about 14 years ago with three little kids in tow. It was the hardest thing I've ever done. I remember one particularly painful night, all I could think was that there was a giant fish hook reaching down and tearing out my insides. (I know that's graphic but it accurately reflects the pain I felt.)

Over time, and with counseling, I realized that I'd been taking more than my share of the blame because I was trying to control the situation. If it was my fault, then I could still fix it. I felt more in control. Letting him take responsibility was terrifying because I couldn't predict what he'd do. Can you relate to any of those feelings or is your situation different?

Many people on this board have been able to successfully patch difficult relationships and they're thriving today. I divorced my exH and the years the followed were some of the best of my life. There is hope for a better, fulfilled life no matter how you decide things need to play out with your H. We can say that because we've lived it. 

Keep posting, Murray.
pj