Something I don't understand - new to board

[strugglingBF]

Question I am pondering at the moment.  I can't think of the right way to word this question, so I am going to go in a roundabout way.  Seems like BPs have very low emotional maturity.  There are times when I am interacting with my GF where I feel like I am interacting with an adolescent, mostly during arguments.  She is 46 years old.  Teenagers test boundaries and when not held accountable for their actions, or when unacceptable behavior goes unaddressed, they will typically get worse because they have no consequences for their behavior.  Many of us who live with a BP spouse have a hard time standing up to them, or knowing when to say enough is enough.  Is BPD similar to a misbehaving child where a BP that does not get handled in the correct way will continue to get worse, or more intense anger, or more regular episodes...because it is allowed and danced around to "keep the peace" or prevent total chaos?  I have been dating my GF for almost 5 years now.  While I did see signs of BPD within the first few months, I certainly didn't recognize them for what they were.  Not until we went to a therapist together, she stopped going, and I continued to see that same therapist by myself did that therapist immediately start educating me on BPD.  This would have been about 6 months ago.  I do feel like her BPD actions and tendencies have increased in frequency and severity over the past 5 years.  I wonder if I played a part in that by walking on eggshells so regularly and allowing her to treat me in ways that really aren't acceptable regardless of any disorder.  One of the things I struggle with most is not taking things personally.  I really is hard not to when some of the nasty things come out of her mouth. 

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[Ozzie101]

I hesitate to call pwBPD teens or children. And, yet, there is a correlation, in my opinion. One of the first keys to me that something was really not right with my H was in one of his dysregulations. I looked at his face and in his eyes and it hit me -- I'd seen that same look in a toddler throwing a tantrum.

My H is not a toddler. Just like your GF isn't. And, yet, they do have emotional immaturity and a great difficulty (if not inability) to regulate emotions.

Whether a person has BPD or not, most of us tend to fall into patterns of behavior. Reinforcement works. If you have been bowing to her will and allowing her to manipulate you or act in ways that you don't like, then, yes, you may have played a part in that continuing. If a behavior works for a person (healthy, young, adult, disordered), they'll keep doing it. It can be enhanced when dealing with BPD.

How do you usually respond when she says something nasty?

[strugglingBF]

I wish I could say i respond with maturity and calmness.  However, that is not always the case depending on how nasty the comments are.  Any recommendations?  I know calmness is something I need to work on. 

[Ozzie101]

It depends on the situation and what's being said. I know I've been the target of some very nasty comments. It's so easy to get triggered ourselves, yet it doesn't help the situation at all.
Have you heard of or read much about Wise Mind? https://bpdfamily.com/content/triggering-and-mindfulness-and-wise-mind
It's about being in touch with yourself, in the moment, and can help you avoid being triggered.

There are a number of things you can do:
1) Before you react, take a beat. Breathe slowly in and out. Count to 10. Do something that brings you back to center. My therapist recommended (while sitting), placing both feet on the floor, hands on thighs, and slowly tap my thighs, alternating hands. 1, 2, 3, 4... It actually does work for me -- though if you're standing or driving or something, it's not going to help.

2) Excuse yourself. Say something like "I can see you're really upset. I'm getting upset, too. This is important to both of us so I need to step away for 30 minutes to collect my thoughts. And then I'll come back and we can keep talking about this."

3) Listen with empathy. https://bpdfamily.com/content/listen-with-empathy
I've found (and many others have too) that when a pwBPD is dysregulating and lashing out and upset about something, what they're really upset about is often something different. For instance, my H was furious and said some very hateful things about my low salary. Actually, he had learned he would likely be let go from his (much higher-paying) job soon and was feeling very anxious and stressed and afraid of what would happen to us. Sometimes really listening and hearing what they're saying under what they're saying can go a long way -- both to keeping us calm and knowing how to respond in a way that de-escalates.

I'm sure others can jump in with suggestions of what works for them.

[strugglingBF]

Thank you Ozzie!  I will look into these.  I appreciate the help.

[PurpleElephant]

How do you usually respond when she says something nasty?

Let yourself being guided by empathy. Real empathy for your BPDgf. When she says nasty things and/or is angry keep in mind that she is in a lot of pain. Pain that we cannot imagine. Read about which thoughts they have about themselves and the world. Especially when they're stressed or angry. Imagine being them. If you truly love her and keep those things in mind, you cannot have anything else than empathy and compassion for her. Especially when she says nasty things. Don't take the words personally! As a matter of fact, try to not even hear the words. It's difficult, I know. Believe me, I know.

Her pain and thoughts are unbearable and all she does is shouting at you in order to ease her own pain. It's a cry for help, really.

And at those moments we need to shine. We need to listen. And investigate. Trying to figure out what she's struggling with. What she really feels and says. It has more often than not nothing to do with the words she says.

The other day my BPDso was shouting at me. Occusing me of things. Don't read that lightly, it was honestly very nasty stuff. Harmful, aimed at my personality, at me.

But it was all irrelevant. I knew by then that she was stressed about other upcoming events. So the first thing I said was something along the lines of, "I can imagine you are stressed right now. I am also stressed about the upcoming days. Is that right?"

I didn't say it so "text book" like that but the gist of it was the same.

I hope this helps a bit. It's very difficult to execute. But it works. Responding like that flips a switch in them. My BPD calms down immediately when I respond like this. Our task is to be strong, calm and gentle. Especially when sh*t hits the fan.

That's when their strong significant other - us - is all they have.

When all things are in place, e.g. real love, and thus empathy, and knowledge about this horrible mental condition and the techniques and concepts that can be applied by us in order to deal with situations in the best possible way, and the urge to be there for our pwBPD, it will come naturally to respond calm. Because it's the person you love so deeply that's in pain. That's struggling.

Then all you can and want to do is be a lighthouse that can guide the ship that's sailing in the wild ocean without an emotional captain towards calmer waters. But you cannot take the steering wheel. She has to sail. But that light on shore is so important for them. It's all they have. If you forget to turn on your light, all they have is darkness.

Shine. You're the best lighthouse there is.