How do healthy people cope with stress and change?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Sorry for another random post, the issue of stress has been on my mind quite a bit recently because of a lot of changes that have been taking place in my life that have led to quite a bit of stress... however that's probably a good thing because one of the side effects is that I've come to realize that I'm actually under constant stress regardless, even if most of the time it's not this bad or on a conscious level.
As far back as I can remember, and even more so when I was little, my mother was under constant stress to the point that she'd become practically hysterical if ever anything went even slightly wrong and would start ranting about it, fretting about it and throwing rage-filled blame on whoever she thought was responsible for the problem (whether it was me, other people and in some cases even herself). I heard recently that children learn how to deal with their emotions by using their parents as a model to see what an "appropriate response" is to a given situation... so I guess that might be one probable reason why I'm not very good at handling stress, but another possibility (or possibly just another way of looking at it) is that I never developed healthy coping strategies for dealing with stress. I mean, on the surface, I appear a lot better at it than my mother was, but that's just because I've become very good at suppressing it, to the point that quite often (possibly even most of the time) I'll be extremely stressed over something and not even know what it is that stresses me out and not be consciously aware of the thought process behind it or even of the sensation of stress itself (and I'll only be aware that its there because of the physical symptoms like fatigue).

So basically this makes me wonder - what are the psychological mechanisms that enable healthy people to cope with stress? And also with things like unexpected change? And by this I'm not asking for handy tips like breathing exercises or meditation... I mean, on a psychological level, when it comes to stress management and the ability to cope with change - what are the psychological differences between a healthy adult and a child? Or, for that matter, between a healthy adult and a person with BPD? I imagine that the answer probably has something to do with emotional regulation... but even then, what exactly does that involve? And how does it work?

[justnothing]

Sorry for another random post, the issue of stress has been on my mind quite a bit recently because of a lot of changes that have been taking place in my life that have led to quite a bit of stress... however that's probably a good thing because one of the side effects is that I've come to realize that I'm actually under constant stress regardless, even if most of the time it's not this bad or on a conscious level.
As far back as I can remember, and even more so when I was little, my mother was under constant stress to the point that she'd become practically hysterical if ever anything went even slightly wrong and would start ranting about it, fretting about it and throwing rage-filled blame on whoever she thought was responsible for the problem (whether it was me, other people and in some cases even herself). I heard recently that children learn how to deal with their emotions by using their parents as a model to see what an "appropriate response" is to a given situation... so I guess that might be one probable reason why I'm not very good at handling stress, but another possibility (or possibly just another way of looking at it) is that I never developed healthy coping strategies for dealing with stress. I mean, on the surface, I appear a lot better at it than my mother was, but that's just because I've become very good at suppressing it, to the point that quite often (possibly even most of the time) I'll be extremely stressed over something and not even know what it is that stresses me out and not be consciously aware of the thought process behind it or even of the sensation of stress itself (and I'll only be aware that its there because of the physical symptoms like fatigue).

So basically this makes me wonder - what are the psychological mechanisms that enable healthy people to cope with stress? And also with things like unexpected change? And by this I'm not asking for handy tips like breathing exercises or meditation... I mean, on a psychological level, when it comes to stress management and the ability to cope with change - what are the psychological differences between a healthy adult and a child? Or, for that matter, between a healthy adult and a person with BPD? I imagine that the answer probably has something to do with emotional regulation... but even then, what exactly does that involve? And how does it work?

[Longterm]

Hi justnothing

   my mother was under constant stress to the point that she'd become practically hysterical if ever anything went even slightly wrong and would start ranting about it, fretting about it and throwing rage-filled blame on whoever she thought was responsible for the problem (whether it was me, other people and in some cases even herself). I heard recently that children learn how to deal with their emotions by using their parents as a model to see what an "appropriate response" is to a given situation... so I guess that might be one probable reason why I'm not very good at handling stress, but another possibility (or possibly just another way of looking at it) is that I never developed healthy coping strategies for dealing with stress.

You just described my ex right here and I see that they have mimicked her stress responses. It is something I have been aware of for a while. I tend to nip it in the bud as soon as I see it. I will immediately stop what I'm doing and talk to them about the issues they are having, whether it be emotional or something small such as they cant find their shoes. I tend to do a lot of problem solving with them and first of all I just ask them to stop and take a couple deep breaths. We then proceed to talk about the issue and I encourage them to find logical solutions to solve the issue, thus alleviating the stress in a constructive way.

I do this with myself also. If I need half hour I tell the kids that I am going for a walk, I find it calming and it helps me to centre myself.

I appear a lot better at it than my mother was, but that's just because I've become very good at suppressing it, to the point that quite often (possibly even most of the time) I'll be extremely stressed over something and not even know what it is that stresses me out and not be consciously aware of the thought process behind it or even of the sensation of stress itself (and I'll only be aware that its there because of the physical symptoms like fatigue).  

Suppressing it is not good and it has led me to have mini meltdowns such as dissociative episodes. I think it's a case of self care, becoming aware that stress is present and when it is, ask yourself "what does justnothing need right now".

  So basically this makes me wonder - what are the psychological mechanisms that enable healthy people to cope with stress?

I think more healthier people cope because they have learned more normal coping mechanisms and emotional reactions, ours are acted out of trauma.

LT.

[justnothing]

You just described my ex right here and I see that they have mimicked her stress responses. It is something I have been aware of for a while. I tend to nip it in the bud as soon as I see it. I will immediately stop what I'm doing and talk to them about the issues they are having, whether it be emotional or something small such as they cant find their shoes. I tend to do a lot of problem solving with them and first of all I just ask them to stop and take a couple deep breaths. We then proceed to talk about the issue and I encourage them to find logical solutions to solve the issue, thus alleviating the stress in a constructive way.

I do this with myself also. If I need half hour I tell the kids that I am going for a walk, I find it calming and it helps me to centre myself.

Suppressing it is not good and it has led me to have mini meltdowns such as dissociative episodes. I think it's a case of self care, becoming aware that stress is present and when it is, ask yourself "what does justnothing need right now".

You sound like a good father and yeah that sounds like the best way of nipping it in the bud when it comes to children… as for trying it on oneself as an adult… well I must say what you describe sounds a lot like what is done in EMDR therapy and to some extent also in meditation (I mean getting in touch with your emotions and asking yourself what you really need…) so I think that’s probably the answer. My therapist was often annoyed with me for not doing enough EMDR and she said that my problem is that I’m too afraid of getting in touch with my emotions… and tbh I think I really am pretty afraid of getting in touch with my emotions… so much so that even thinking about it in itself makes me anxious... and also two other questions that come to mind are “what could I possibly need that could possibly help?” and also “what if I’m unable to provide myself with what I need?”

I think more healthier people cope because they have learned more normal coping mechanisms and emotional reactions, ours are acted out of trauma.

Yeah… I think that’s another big part of the problem… and also the emotional reactions themselves aren’t exactly within the range of normal because they are a reaction to trauma… and tbh I don’t really feel equipped to deal with the emotions themselves of the trauma head on. I know that sounds like an excuse and my therapist was often frustrated and annoyed with me for being afraid of facing the emotions around the trauma head on but the thing is that when they rise to the surface they tend to actually distort my way of looking at my situation and in those scenarios I often find myself coming to the “conclusion” that the only “rational” option for me is suicide, for example. However when I’m not in such emotional states I can see the situation more clearly and put it in perspective. So I am inclined to think that a better approach might be to figure out what lies at the root of the trauma and what are the false ideas that lie behind it so that I’ll be better equipped to argue against those ideas when the emotions come along. I know that sounds like a rationalization and an excuse to not deal with the emotions head on (or at least that’s what my therapist would have said) but I think it’s an approach that has helped me in the past in many ways and frankly I think it’s probably the safer way of going about it too… (sorry if that sounds cowardly, I just don’t want to run the risk of messing myself up even more and/or killing myself after exposure to the raw emotions). She also seemed to think that I was often “lazy” and “making excuses” and apparently even weak (“low ego strength” as she put it) but I don’t think she was right about that… I think I actually worked very hard on therapy over the years and that I made a lot of progress and that I’m actually a lot less weak and lazy about it than most people. Sorry for rambling about my therapist btw, I recently parted ways with her and am still rather in shock at her attitude towards me at the end and I’m only now starting to realize that she had a bad attitude about a lot of things when it came to me and my treatment and frankly I think she actually had quite a bit in common with my mother, including the part of being completely unempathetic in her approach and demands… but I fell for it because it echoes the unempathetic demands I always make on myself, which are frankly a big part of the problem.

[Harri]

However when I’m not in such emotional states I can see the situation more clearly and put it in perspective. So I am inclined to think that a better approach might be to figure out what lies at the root of the trauma and what are the false ideas that lie behind it so that I’ll be better equipped to argue against those ideas when the emotions come along.

Hi.  I think this is a good approach for you given how you struggle with the emotional part.  Putting things into perspective using your logical mind would, I think, help you better harness the emotional mind.  It makes sense to me.  If emotions trigger you to the point of being overwhelmed taking them on directly without a solid platform from which to work would be detrimental.  All that to say I agree with your reasoning here though as you know, I am not a professional.   As long as you do not cut out the emotions entirely, I see this as a good thing.

also two other questions that come to mind are “what could I possibly need that could possibly help?” and also “what if I’m unable to provide myself with what I need?”

I think the first question is related to emotional needs.  What did you not get as a child.  What is your primary trauma about?  Often our needs are built around that and we can learn to provide them for us after we identify what they are.  It takes time.  

This may in part be what was going on with you and your T who you say is much like your mother was.  I am sure you have read that we will try to resolve issues from the past in our present relationships.  

Does any of what I or Longterm have talked about even come close to answering your question in the first post    

So basically this makes me wonder - what are the psychological mechanisms that enable healthy people to cope with stress? And also with things like unexpected change? And by this I'm not asking for handy tips like breathing exercises or meditation... I mean, on a psychological level, when it comes to stress management and the ability to cope with change - what are the psychological differences between a healthy adult and a child? Or, for that matter, between a healthy adult and a person with BPD? I imagine that the answer probably has something to do with emotional regulation... but even then, what exactly does that involve? And how does it work?

[SepiaScarf]

So basically this makes me wonder - what are the psychological mechanisms that enable healthy people to cope with stress? And also with things like unexpected change? And by this I'm not asking for handy tips like breathing exercises or meditation... I mean, on a psychological level, when it comes to stress management and the ability to cope with change - what are the psychological differences between a healthy adult and a child? Or, for that matter, between a healthy adult and a person with BPD? I imagine that the answer probably has something to do with emotional regulation... but even then, what exactly does that involve? And how does it work?

In my experience, my uBPD mom lacks problem-solving skills, the ability to rationalize, and the ability to perceive some else's feelings. She does not have the ability to say I feel x about this situation, but really x could have meant y and here is how this could have gone better the next time.

I feel like being able to problem solve when unexpected change happens is a big deal, and then to be able to rationalize that this change does not always mean bad things. If you can't do that then everything feels stressful and too much. She cant go with the flow, she needs control of every situation so doesn't get (perceived) hurt.

If you cant put yourself in someone else's shoes and imagine what they felt or meant. You are likely to perceive there actions or words differently. I have seen this so much in my mom, she hears one thing and when I look at the situation I think I don't believe that's what the person meant. I can't convince her otherwise, she can't see the other person's feelings. So that leads to drama and more stress.

I feel like she always has this stance of perceived hurt, or everyone is out to get me, so I must always be on guard. For my mom this I think comes from the trauma in her past.

Hope i did the quote thing correctly 

[justnothing]

Does any of what I or Longterm have talked about even come close to answering your question in the first post    

Well, from what I gather so far, it sounds like a typical healthy person is in tune with his or her emotions and is therefore able to understand on time when something is wrong, what is wrong and he has already learned from the adults he grew up with how to address such issues in a way that’s appropriate (appropriate by whatever standards he was taught or mirrored from them).

I guess though that this can get messed up when the emotions are out of wack to the point that being directly in tune with them isn’t a good option. For example if the child didn’t have healthy adults to mirror (so instead of mirroring healthy emotional reactions they end up mirroring unhealthy ones) or if during childhood a trauma (or several) took place that result in extreme emotional reactions that can’t be dealt with by regular means and so instead if dealing with them by normal means the child develops defense mechanisms like repression and disassociation. The problem can get further complicated if extreme conflicting emotions (due to trauma) result in personality fragmentation (and as a result, emotions can sometimes control or at least cause distortions in the rational side rather than the other way around). I think personality fragmentation is most likely a big part of BPD, I’ve come across a couple of studies that suggest it might be a big part of BPD and… well… even if it isn’t so for people with BPD in general, it is for me personally… and one of the effects of personality fragmentation (at least from my own experience with it) is that triggers will not merely bring strong buried emotions to the surface but also can and generally do also result in the rise and take-over of a whole different set if attitudes, reasoning and an entirely different perspective on life and on the situation. When that happens you basically become a different person. I mean, it’s not like DID where you also have different memories and a different name for yourself and most of the time, with fragmentation, you won’t even realize that you’re different now because it’ll feel as though you’ve “always been this way and always felt that way” and even though you know your attitude was completely different 5 minutes ago and can still remember having it, that “previous” attitude no longer makes sense… and then eventually when the crisis ends, once again your attitude and worldview changes and while you remember what you thought and felt during the crisis, it no longer makes sense either. I think most people with BPD try to rationalize this to themselves by different means in order to not feel so inconsistent and crazy, but unfortunately rationalization is just a form of denial and if it also involves trying to justify their bad behavior and messed up thought patterns, I think that only results in those things being reinforced. What I’ve learned over time is to keep in mind (and have faith, because it requires a lot of faith when your mindset changes as well and it seems as though this is the way things have “always” been) that eventually the storm will pass and when it does everything that appears to be a disaster (no matter how convinced I am that it is) will turn out to not be a disaster after all. I have found that doing this repeatedly and, as a result, teaching my mind that it’s true that the storm does pass and that everything changes back to normal (or to something more positive, as the case might be) and that it always turns out that the world hasn’t ended - this resulted in the crises becoming less intense and less frequent over the years.

That being said, even though it’s a very helpful solution, it’s not a real answer to the core problem of the buried disassociated parts with all their buried traumatic memories and intense emotions. Recently I’ve also become aware that I have spent pretty much my whole life trying to avoid change of any kind to avoid rocking the boat in any way because that’s the only way for me to stay balanced and minimize the number of times in which the traumatic events come to the surface… however that’s not really how I want to live… I really, really want to be able to reach a point in which I can make changes, even major changes, in my life without falling to pieces. Recently I have had some major changes taking place at my workplace and in the nature of my job. These changes are mostly for the better and what I’d been hoping for because I wanted more challenge, more responsibility, more opportunities to bring some positive changes to the company I work for and a difference in nature of the job itself… so recently I’ve gotten just that… and now I’m practically crumbling under the stress, distress and pressure… but due to the change and even more so because (apparently) some of my earliest core traumas have to do with not being good enough, perfect enough and too much of a disappointment to my mother - resulting in repeated threats of abandonment (and quite possible even where THE original fear of abandonment came from)… Mind you, even though this leaves me exhausted, horrified and terrified… I’m also glad to finally have an opportunity to deal with this kind of trigger head on (I find that one of the best ways of getting rid of triggers is eroding them). And this is happening exactly at the same time as losing my therapist so heh… fun times… BUT that being said, in a way this just adds to the challenge and at the end of the day a bigger challenge can lead to a bigger win (… so long as it doesn’t lead to a bigger loss) so I’ll just try to keep that in mind.

Anyway, at this point I’m rambling and I think the issue at work and how it relates to my mother probably requires its own separate post because it’s a separate issue in itself… so anyway, once again thanks for reading my stuff and for the replies because it really does help a lot to post about this stuff here. Actually I read the reply earlier this morning before going to work and even though I didn’t reply right away it got me thinking about and further analyzing the issue and I think that that in itself helped me to better handle a would-be crisis at work and avoid a meltdown today.