Feeling terrible, stuck, tired

[Chosen]

I'm too emotionally tired to type out everything that happened, but here's the gist:

- uBPDh's fear of abandonment likely stemmed from his dad abandoning the family when he was little (women, money issues), BUT he came back and his mum was ok and they're both still together.  He views his dad as black all the time, and his mum shifts from being white (because of her love for his dad) to black (because she didn't leave him to protect the kids) to viewing her as completely worthless and useless (not "evil" like black, but useless, waif)

- I'm mostly being painted black by uBPDh because I'm a terrible wife, his worst choice ever, his biggest mistake ever was to marry me and I ruined his life.  I'm unsupportive, don't love him, only stay with him because he is good to me, I'm selfish and etc etc.  You get the point. (Those are words he says to me, he views me in that way)

- When his parents offend him I need to be completely on his side or else I'm not supporting him, abandoning him just like they are.  Nobody loves him.  We're all just using him because he's a good person.  Even when a particular incident has nothing to do with me (I'm not even around when it happened), it will cause him to relive all these "black" memories of me.  When his parents are here, he would rage at them.  When they are gone, he would rage at me. 

Do you have experiences in which anybody who did anything wrong are immediately linked to YOU being wrong?  Like your pwBPD would rage/ lash out at you/ punish you for anything that others do wrong? 

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[Ozzie101]

Well, Chosen, I've had almost the exact same things thrown at me. It hurts, doesn't it?

While my H doesn't generally turn it around so I'm wrong, he will instead turn it around on something having to do with my family. Stress at work? One of the "problem people" is a longtime friend of my parents. So, my parents are either horrible, stupid or just unsupportive of him because they're friends with this person (as if they know what's going on). Difficulties with his family? Well, my family are the same way. They're horrible people.

A year ago, he regularly blasted me, saying if I didn't tell my family off or cut them off, then I didn't have his back and didn't love him.

In my case, I was fortunate that H finally got help and started to improve his thinking. These things still happen, but not as often, as long or as bad.

My own communication style change played a role in that. I cut out the JADEing and also worked on remaining calm and distancing myself from the emotion of the moment. WiseMind stuff. Lots of validation and SET.

How are things in the calm times? Are you affectionate with each other? Do you connect? Make time for each other?

One thing that was explained to me was that many of the tools are of no use when there's a dysregulation going on. They're more for the calm times (or when things are headed onto the wrong road).

But also, I was pulling back from H, emotionally and physically (and touch is his love language). Natural. But it was just increasing his own insecurity and fear of abandonment. One thing we worked on together was the little things. We touched more -- even just a shoulder squeeze or peck on the cheek while cooking dinner. Instead of him staying in bed while I got ready in the morning, he would get up and drink his coffee and chat while I put on makeup. Little stuff. But it strengthened our bond and also made him feel more secure.

Are there things you could try with your H that might help?

[PathFinder1]

If I am not in total agreement with how bad those people are, yes. I get throw under the same bus.