New here. I'm desperate for help after a discard with a quiet bpd

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I'm not sure where to start. This will probably be long and I apologize. I need to get it out somewhere and have nobody to go to, nobody that understands anyway. Sorry for any typos ahead of time. I'm also unsure of he has bpd, but will elaborate so that hopefully anyone might have insight.

My boyfriend of over three years left me with a text. He said a ton of things that seemed to be contradictory and only left me with more questions.

Our whole relationship he was very difficult to get to open up in some ways but not in others. He disappeared a lot, sometimes for days at a time. He lied. He chatted up other women. Had a great career and lots of friends and is very outgoing. He's attractive and fun and seems very sensitive and welcoming when you meet him.

But there's a darker side. I remember once when I realized something was very wrong. We were talking via text but it felt strange so I got him on the phone. He was speaking as though he were a different person, very paranoid, not making sense, almost in another reality but not quite. He could follow the conversation but not all, it's like he was having a completely different conversation. He even sounded different, his whole tone and cadence were just off. At first I thought, is he on drugs? But it happened a couple more times over the years and every time was during periods of extreme stress.

I thought at first he might be bipolar, then he started reading about bpd and when he found the quiet bpd stuff, he said that it was like reading about himself. This is the reason I believe he has quiet bpd. He was never really overly abusive or crazy or verbally mean. But he did have a temper and could not handle much conflict. Sometimes he would just shut down completely and not talk to me. Sometimes he seemed to turn everything inwards. He would get very depressed. He started having anxiety attacks.

Leading up to the discard, he disappeared frequently. I learned to accept this, as well as I could, as him just needing time and not being able to handle things. I tried to be patient, was always loving and kind, and loyal. I guess with all this I could've seen we might be breaking up, but I never, ever imagined he'd leave the way he did by abandoning me. I have my own abandonment issues, he knows how much it affects me because when he would disappear it would trigger these abandonment issues. Then he decided to leave by abandoning. The destruction inside of me right now is extreme.

Even if he didn't love me or want me, how could he leave in such a cold way? I am destroyed that after so long, after being in each other's lives and learning so much about each other and being close every day, I mean nothing to him. In a blink, my most significant relationship with the person I love most, just gone. All the memories, all the love, all the talks and sorrow we shared, I'm just nothing. How can I not even matter to him on a human level? Just as a person who has been there and loving him. He had no reason to be so cold. He could've talked to me and at least made me feel I mattered as a person. Instead, silence. It has destroyed me. I feel worthless. I feel empty. I don't understand. I thought I mattered, just even as a person in his life.

I can't wrap my mind around this. He just gets to be fine move on, likely with other women or another woman... And I have to feel the destruction and pain. It's not fair. I should be repulsed by him for all he's done. All the lies, all the anger, all the neglect, all the disappearing. I wanted to believe he was the person in my mind so badly that I excused it all. Why would he do this. How can he just leave and not care, I begged for anything any response. I was distraught. He did not care. Silence.

I can't get him out of my mind. Can't stop wanting this person who wants nothing to do with me and I hate myself for it. I don't want to think of him, I don't want to care, but at the same time all I want is to matter to him. Just even as a person. I know this is a long rant, I just don't know where to put all my anger and confusion. He refused to allow me any control or understanding or comfort. One last way to torture me.

Please, help me understand anything, help me get rid of this anger and pain and please tell me how to be okay. Is this typical behavior of a quiet bpd? Sometimes I think it's just me, that I'm the one with the problems and if I had been better mine off this would have happened. I feel worthless that the person I value and move so much finds no value in me.

[TryingToBeBetter]

I'm not sure where to start. This will probably be long and I apologize. I need to get it out somewhere and have nobody to go to, nobody that understands anyway. Sorry for any typos ahead of time. I'm also unsure of he has bpd, but will elaborate so that hopefully anyone might have insight.

My boyfriend of over three years left me with a text. He said a ton of things that seemed to be contradictory and only left me with more questions.

Our whole relationship he was very difficult to get to open up in some ways but not in others. He disappeared a lot, sometimes for days at a time. He lied. He chatted up other women. Had a great career and lots of friends and is very outgoing. He's attractive and fun and seems very sensitive and welcoming when you meet him.

But there's a darker side. I remember once when I realized something was very wrong. We were talking via text but it felt strange so I got him on the phone. He was speaking as though he were a different person, very paranoid, not making sense, almost in another reality but not quite. He could follow the conversation but not all, it's like he was having a completely different conversation. He even sounded different, his whole tone and cadence were just off. At first I thought, is he on drugs? But it happened a couple more times over the years and every time was during periods of extreme stress.

I thought at first he might be bipolar, then he started reading about bpd and when he found the quiet bpd stuff, he said that it was like reading about himself. This is the reason I believe he has quiet bpd. He was never really overly abusive or crazy or verbally mean. But he did have a temper and could not handle much conflict. Sometimes he would just shut down completely and not talk to me. Sometimes he seemed to turn everything inwards. He would get very depressed. He started having anxiety attacks.

Leading up to the discard, he disappeared frequently. I learned to accept this, as well as I could, as him just needing time and not being able to handle things. I tried to be patient, was always loving and kind, and loyal. I guess with all this I could've seen we might be breaking up, but I never, ever imagined he'd leave the way he did by abandoning me. I have my own abandonment issues, he knows how much it affects me because when he would disappear it would trigger these abandonment issues. Then he decided to leave by abandoning. The destruction inside of me right now is extreme.

Even if he didn't love me or want me, how could he leave in such a cold way? I am destroyed that after so long, after being in each other's lives and learning so much about each other and being close every day, I mean nothing to him. In a blink, my most significant relationship with the person I love most, just gone. All the memories, all the love, all the talks and sorrow we shared, I'm just nothing. How can I not even matter to him on a human level? Just as a person who has been there and loving him. He had no reason to be so cold. He could've talked to me and at least made me feel I mattered as a person. Instead, silence. It has destroyed me. I feel worthless. I feel empty. I don't understand. I thought I mattered, just even as a person in his life.

I can't wrap my mind around this. He just gets to be fine move on, likely with other women or another woman... And I have to feel the destruction and pain. It's not fair. I should be repulsed by him for all he's done. All the lies, all the anger, all the neglect, all the disappearing. I wanted to believe he was the person in my mind so badly that I excused it all. Why would he do this. How can he just leave and not care, I begged for anything any response. I was distraught. He did not care. Silence.

I can't get him out of my mind. Can't stop wanting this person who wants nothing to do with me and I hate myself for it. I don't want to think of him, I don't want to care, but at the same time all I want is to matter to him. Just even as a person. I know this is a long rant, I just don't know where to put all my anger and confusion. He refused to allow me any control or understanding or comfort. One last way to torture me.

Please, help me understand anything, help me get rid of this anger and pain and please tell me how to be okay. Is this typical behavior of a quiet bpd? Sometimes I think it's just me, that I'm the one with the problems and if I had been better mine off this would have happened. I feel worthless that the person I value and move so much finds no value in me.

[SinisterComplex]

So welcome to the board.  . Beyond that...I truly empathize with how you are feeling. Honestly I don't think there is any right thing I can say to you at the moment other than continue to vent and know that there is a huge support community here who understands what you are going through.

I am one of the tougher independent personality types, but I do not want to delve into that right now. Its not what you need. For the time being I can a be a shoulder to cry on and I can be the stranger who listens and gets it and doesn't pass any judgment.

So with saying that...I will offer this up. Do not be so hard on yourself. Do not blame yourself. You have value. You are worth a lot. You bring a lot to the table...do not discount or discredit yourself.

Also, please do not apologize for a long rant...I wish everyone would quit doing that. Do not bottle yourself up. Get it out and vent. It is ok. I for one do not mind. I would much rather you say far too much than not enough.

I am only going to introduce these things to you lightly...I want to put this phrase into your mind...Want Better, Expect Better, Do Better! Moving forward you will come to appreciate that and understand on a much deeper level. Next, as we move along here we will discuss learning to come from a place of power and focusing on the abundance mindset and not allow yourself to think from weakness and a scarcity mindset. No one determines your value, but YOU. I will revisit these concepts in the future, but I would rather we did not rush the process of healing here.

Now, I know you may not want to care, but what if I told you it is ok to care? It is. Caring makes you stronger, not weaker. You just have to let all of your emotions run their course and process it all. Please be kind to yourself. You will get through this. You will have to do things on your own timelines and in your own way, but just know you do have people around who will support you and help you through it.

Please continue to update and ask all the questions you need to.

Cheers, hugs, best wishes to you!

-SC-

[TryingToBeBetter]

Thank you so much. I feel like all I want to do is get it out, but the couple friends I have don't understand and have all but stopped responding when I get really bad and try to talk about it. I'm sure I sound like a broken record and they want me to move on, I get that. But the pain inside of me builds and is just too much to keep in. It feels like a constant fight, no matter how much progress I make in a day, the next morning it's all gone. Like a reset button, I'm right back in the darkness. And he's just fine... He just left me to suffer. I have all these thoughts about him that I don't want, I worry I'll never stop longing for him and missing him. It feels pathetic, and he's just fine. I hate him for that. I hate that he did all of this and that I'm the one suffering.

[SinisterComplex]

So...again be kind to yourself. Please just get it all out. It is fine. I am pretty sure you are going to feel like you are being a broken record. I am telling you it is ok. I will listen and here is why...what you are feeling, thinking, and going through is common in regards to these relationships. I've been through hell and back so I get it.

So...while your feelings are completely valid and expected I promise you in due time you will not have the thoughts you do not want. This is just going to be a process. Calm yourself and realize it will be day by day and step by step. Brick by effing brick. No shortcuts. You will overcome the hurt, the loss, the despair and you will be much stronger in the end and you will have done things the healthy and right way.

A big part to get this process rolling in the right direction...let go of the hate. Feeling hate is truly the same as feeling love...it keeps you tied to a person. Hence why they say there is a thin line between love and hate. Please keep in mind that he is the one who ultimately will suffer and hurt the most...not you. Please do not concern yourself with him any further. You can only control you and I am here to help YOU so all focus from here on out is on YOU and how you are going to live life and improve. Sound good to you?

Do not compare where you are at to anyone else. Just feel and process your emotions. It is ok. Whatever you do...do not question yourself, do not hold things in, and do not bottle things up. Let it fly here on this board. You will have other friends who you can go hang out with and do things with sure, but let them serve that purpose. Use this board as your springboard to heal and get rid of the weight that is weighing you down and preventing you from moving forward and being happy.

A tidbit I want to leave you with here...use the law of attraction to your advantage. Remember you get back what you put into it. You attract what you project. This scenario is hard yes, but there are important lessons to learn. Be open to learning them so you can build a better you and have a better future.

Cheers, a Big Bear Hug for you and best wishes!

-SC-