Refusing to Shower

[Michael43]

Hello everybody.

My wife w/BPD has been very anxious about starting a new job soon.  One thing that has occurred recently is that she has not been showering regularly.  Lately it has been 1-2 times per week at most.  She claims she is afraid of the shower because she will be alone with her thoughts.  I have removed all razors from the shower area.  Last time she took a shower with music on, but she is refusing to do that.  She has sung in the shower in the past to distract herself, but she is refusing to this time.

She has been taking DBT therapy & they have taught her about using opposite action for her fears, and NOT AVOIDING them but cautiously approaching them through exposure.  I have talked about that hygiene is her responsibility to take care of herself.

I think I will have her bring up how often we expect our daughter to bathe & for us all to shower.  That way she will be a party to the discussion.  I have let her know that nagging her to take a shower twice per week is wearing on me and gets exhausting.

I don't really want to take a "my way or the highway" approach, but it really is getting close to the point where her hygiene is getting so bad I can't stand to sleep in the same bed with her.

What I am leaning toward is showing empathy about her feelings but still encouraging her to at least try to take a shower.  If she won't, I think she will have to sleep in another room.  I also could contact her DBT therapist, family members, and our minister for advice.

If you have any advice or experience on this sort of issue I would appreciate it.

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[once removed]

i would listen, rather than push.

when someone drops basic hygiene, something is going on.

shes given you a clue, that shes afraid to be alone with her thoughts, but if this is a sudden change, there may be more to it...may be more to the thoughts shes afraid to be alone with.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Try putting a bluetooth speaker in the bathroom.  She can pair her phone & listen to podcasts, radio stations, audiobooks, or music.

People with ADD, anxiety and/or depression can gain benefit from having their own background noise.  It can either be motivating, help tame their personal thoughts and/or get their mind off of whatever is bothering them.  Starting a new job is a high-anxiety situation.

A bath can be more relaxing.  Put a little Epsom salts in the water, with some lavender oil (or other essential oil scent she likes), play some type of audio (directly from the phone speaker (s) or from a Bluetooth device. (perhaps use Bluetooth headphones if she isn't washing her hair). 

She needs to understand that the she won't be received very well at the new job with BO.  What are some of her "go to" things to "improve the moment"?  I would think that music, audiobooks, podcasts, etc., are commonly used by people to reset when they are anxious.