Has anyone struggled to have possessions returned post breakup?

[ThisIsMyTruthTellMeYours]

When my exwBPD broke up with me at the beginning of November I had returned to my home country, leaving my DSLR camera and a few clothes at her house. We weren't over when I left her house and expected to work through the tension caused by the previous night's trigger, before returning soon and using/taking my things.

Unfortunately she decided to end the relationship, sending texts complaining of not feeling able for a relationship and saying it wasn't fair on me to wait for her to get better. She promised when we talked that night to send my belongings back to me through the post that week.

Fast forward to December and I've been much too distracted by feelings of my entire world collapsing to dwell on this. She pops up however apologising for the delay and yet again marks that week to post, having seen me be very understanding and giving her the benefit of doubt.

Come to the end of December and I employ DEARMAN communication techniques with her to try establishing what was motivating the continued delay. She was very pleasant and explains she's been very busy and strapped for cash. I compromise and say I'm willing to pay for it, encouraging her to get some information from the Post Office on packing and cost. I conclude by asking her to relay her findings to me when she can (her suggesting that will be the same week, yet again).

It's been just over two weeks since and I haven't had any communication from her. The longer this continues the more confused I become as to what's really going on. From the start of this process I was adamant she wasn't being malicious, her showing great compassion for how I was coping with everything and asking how my search for employment was going on one occasion.

Is she telling the truth? Is she unwilling to relinquish a form of leverage? Does it represent something final and unacceptable for her? I don't know and I wish I didn't care but my camera is my most treasured possession and I would love to have it back.

It's not helping me to recover emotionally amongst the traumatic stress of everything. Is this a frequent problem for pwBPD? Any advice?

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[Panda39]

Are the things left behind, worth the conflict and continued drama?  Can they be replaced?

I may be a pessimist but I don't think you will get your camera back unless you up the drama...call the police, or hire an attorney.  She is holding the camera hostage so you continue to engage with her.  Negative attention is still attention. 

If it were me I would let it go and move forward, but the value of your camera to you may make that not doable.

Panda39

[ThisIsMyTruthTellMeYours]

The clothes i'm not too bothered by. Yes, there's my favourite lounging hoodie adorned with pins celebrating my favourite band, quite possibly the worst item of clothing to leave risking what happened. But I wouldn't pursue conflict that could hurt our relationship over that.

The camera is altogether different however. It was a Christmas present from my parents and stimulated my current interest in photography which I can no longer indulge in while this debacle persists. The photos are stored on my laptop, it's having the instrument for one of my hobbies that i'm concerned with. A really expensive instrument that I cannot afford replacing right now.

Most people who are familiar with BPD have told me to forget it, go hard no contact and focus on improving my life. I can't get law enforcement involved as she lives in Ireland and I'm back in the UK now. Randomly turning up at her door wouldn't do me any favours either.

It's just so bizarre to juxtapose how amenable she's been to me, (sure a little distant but that's understandable) and the sheer callousness of this behaviour. If she is holding on for the reason you say I cannot fathom how she is comfortable maintaining two drastically different faces, after all my efforts to be understanding I deserve more than manipulation. But perhaps it is precisely that quality which enables it.

It makes me doubt her justifications for the breakup. It makes me doubt the truth in anything she's said. I'd rather not be aggressive about it (probably an extension of my unhealthy meekness in the relationship), I still respect someone who gave me such happiness, but this is an affront to my dignity.

[zachira]

Is there any chance you could send some friends to her house to pick up your belongings? If you go yourself, don't go alone. I once had a roommate who refused to return my deposit because he said too many people in the past had ripped him off, so even though I had not done anything, he had to make up for it by taking my deposit. His girlfriend was there, and she told me right away she would give me my deposit and did, and he just looked ashamed while saying nothing. The value of having a witness and what other people might think can sometimes get a disordered person to act more appropriately than if you were alone with her/him.

[once removed]

i struggled for a couple of months, on and off every couple of weeks, to have possessions returned. it was never going to happen. and if i let myself think about it for long, im still kind of resentful, i lost a couple of very important things.

the exchange of belongings can be notoriously difficult in any relationship. it is symbolic of an ending of a relationship. its an emotional ordeal, that comes in the process of trying to move on. and if youre anywhere along in that process, it just feels like having to slide back into it.

there is a possibility (i dont mean to put ideas in your head) that she has sold the camera, especially if shes strapped for cash, or gotten rid of it. its just as possible that returning your stuff is not a priority for her.

given that this has dragged on for around 3 months, your odds of getting your belongings back arent great. upping the drama or scaring her might do it. you dont have a lot of leverage being in another country, but it could be done (you could send a fake letter from an "attorney"; you dont seem to be inclined to go that route, and i wasnt either.

the alternative is to continue sporadic requests for your stuff, on slim odds that youll get it back whether you up the drama or not.

[ThisIsMyTruthTellMeYours]

Me and my sister did actually jokingly discuss the idea of sending her there a few days ago.

I honestly don't think any of my friends would be willing to accompany me at this stage. Perhaps it could be arranged under the guise of a short holiday sometime. Going all that way just to turn up and collect a few items would seem a tad ridiculous to them I imagine.

There is one friend of hers I met a couple times who I could perhaps ask to exert some pressure if I really lose patience.

[zachira]

It sounds like you are at the point of deciding whether you have done all you could to get your belongings back. I think when you reach the point of feeling that you have done everything you could than you will move on. The question I have is: are you giving into her or really is there anything more you can realistically do to get your belongings back?

[ThisIsMyTruthTellMeYours]

I'm planning to not apply any pressure for another week and see if I still receive no indication of what is happening. If there is no change in her excuse after I draw her attention to it again I think I can safely assume she is hiding some deeper psychological reason for the evasive behaviour.

I really don't want it to escalate to a point where I have to project extreme displeasure at her over this or act melodramatic because part of me retains the love and forgiveness I always tried to show her in the relationship. It would force me to realise that she truly is lost and beholden to the illness, something quite jarring in the context of the compassion, humility and determination which emanated from her in deciding to breakup. Then again, drama might work.

Attempting hard no contact and acting like I don't care would be a form of giving in i'd struggle to accept to be honest. If this is some perverted game of humiliation then I would want to be satisfied that I defended myself in some way.

[zachira]

You might want to ask her if she still has your things, particularly the camera.

[fawn]

My Ex and I live in different countries now. For the past 3 plus years Ibwas mainly living in his country. In Oct I returned to my own country and was scheduled to return to his place in December. Everything was going great, up to a week after, he suddenly texted me saying he cannot do the relationship anymore. Said he would ship my stuff back to me. Never happened. A month later, he told me that no one ships from his country to mine, which is nonsense. We both live in major cities in developed countries.

I offered to fly over to collect my stuff. I have a lot of stuff there, living there for 3 years. A whole wardrobe of clothes, shoes, bags and misc stuff. He agreed, then back pedalled just FIVE minutes later telling "no you are not allowed to come here".

In subsequent communication said things like my stuff are in HIS place so he gets to decide what to do with it. Maybe give it all to the thrift shop?

He is 51 and I am 42. People have adviced me to ask for police help to retrieve my things but as a foreigner, i am not sure what my rights are also.

I feel this holding my stuff hostage is some form of punishment as he revealed he is angry and resentful for stuff that happened months and years ago, while pretending to be happy.