Supporting a BPD Husband going through withdrawal (Gay)

[GentlemScoundrel]

Hello all,

Content/Trigger Warning: marijuana, self-harm, marital issues, anger, thoughts of suicide

First post here so I'm sorry in advance if I'm ingorant of any of the forum rules. I'm not sure what I'm looking for, I just need some help. My husband has BPD and has been self-medicating with medical marijuana (he has legally obtained it but is not under the supervision of a doctor with regards to what strains to use, dosages, etc). This greatly improved his BPD symptoms, but caused him to be very listless, and made him feel stagnant. (For context: He's had a lot of trouble holding down jobs in the past and currently is unemployed. Before quitting marijuana his day consisted of taking care of our two dogs while I'm at work, and playing video games. I'm mostly fine with this but he said he feels like he isn't contributing and our finances could really use the extra money if he were to get and keep a minimum wage job. I don't hound him on this but he feels like he wants a job to help him socialize and make new friends, as well as get out of the house)

He decided he wanted to try to stop using marijuana entirely to see if it would help him find the motivation to better himself (eat better and exercise) and also find the drive to apply for more jobs and generally function better in society.

All of which is great, except that he's having major withdrawal symptoms and on top of that, his BPD is back with a vengeance. (I realize that marijuana is no more addictive than vegetables or soda pop, but my husband has a predisposition to addictions)

Now he's very quick to anger even on small issues, and I feel like I never know what I'm going to say that will set him off. This is day 4 of no marijuana. Day 1 was really bad and we fought a lot. Day 2 was pretty good, all things considered. We got out of the house and had a nice dinner. We had a couple small spats but overall it was a good day.

Day 3 was very bad. He basically stayed in bed all day. There was unusually bad traffic on my way home, which according to him "ruined the night". I did all I felt I could when I got home, including having a long, loving discussion with him about his current state and what he could potentially do, telling him I love him and that he has so much potential, and telling him how proud I am of him. I gave him a foot and leg massage as well (his love language is physical touch).

Afterwards, he was feeling like he needed marijuana, so I tried to give him lots of soothing options he could use to distract himself. He didn't choose any of my options and instead tried to start a discussion about how we could remodel the closet. Here's where I made a mistake. I make a joke about how we should keep everything the same but just put in nicer shelves (I was trying to keep the mood light) and he absolutely flipped out. He said this was the one thing he found that would distract him and I couldn't even take it seriously or offer real input. (Which I realize is true, but by this point in the night my mental energy had been all but exhausted). He got so worked up and frustrated that he punched the wall (which caved in slightly) and used a piece of plastic to give himself rugburn like bruises on his wrists. He's usually not violent at all and has self-harmed only very rarely in our 7 years together.

I'm so incredibly worried about him but I don't know what else to do. After he calmed down he promised me that if he didn't get any better after completely detoxing from the marijuana, he would go back on anti-depressant medication (which has worked in the past but make him feel like he has no emotions at all). I also asked him to promise me that he wouldn't attempt suicide in the meantime and he did promise, but I don't know how much that matters in the grand scheme of things. He refuses to go to therapy because he's had bad experiences with it in the past and he feels like the help he needs is beyond the scope of therapy. He is a patient with a psychiatrist but his next appointment isn't until March and the psychiatrist is so in-demand that there are no earlier appointments available. His goal has been to "fix it himself" with yoga, meditation, exercise and diet. However he doesn't actually try any of these things because he can't find the motivation to do them.

Basically the TL:DR of all this is: how do I support my husband in his detox of marijuana when it makes his BPD go into overdrive? And how do I keep myself sane in the process?

If you read this whole post, thank you, I'm sorry for being so verbose, and I really appreciate you hearing out what I'm going through.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.