I have PTSD from my wife.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I have mixed emotions about my wife. She has gone from being very manipulative and very verbally abusive to this stage in her life of being happier. Thus, she has been happier for some time. While you don't look at a gift horse in the mouth, I am happy for her, although she has left me with a lot of distrust with when is the next shoe going to drop, if you will. She says she apologizes "for everything" which in its face value is very good. Our relationship has been turned upside down by her and like a horrible roller coaster ride. So, what I am saying is that along with the distrust that I still have of her, I have PTSD from her while she seems to be happier.

[Simon T.]

I have mixed emotions about my wife. She has gone from being very manipulative and very verbally abusive to this stage in her life of being happier. Thus, she has been happier for some time. While you don't look at a gift horse in the mouth, I am happy for her, although she has left me with a lot of distrust with when is the next shoe going to drop, if you will. She says she apologizes "for everything" which in its face value is very good. Our relationship has been turned upside down by her and like a horrible roller coaster ride. So, what I am saying is that along with the distrust that I still have of her, I have PTSD from her while she seems to be happier.

[jojo8786]

Hey Simon!

If you're dealing with PTSD I think seeking a therapist or coach would definitely help considerably. Taking care of yourself is definitely a priority. In order for you to fully recover, self care is such a major factor.

I know it can be hard to trust, I have issues with this myself. Is there something in particular that you distrust?

[Simon T.]

Thank you reaching out to me! It means a lot to me!

I take care of myself professionally which helps me personally to a certain extent. Helping others has helped me in turn. As for professional help, yes, I have done that. Then, he retired. So, I need to find someone else. Thank you for that idea!

As for the reasons for distrusting my wife, she has proven that in many ways. She has gotten so involved in so many things over the years, including her current university studies. She jokingly told someone I should be having an affair with some other lady, because she is so busy. I am a dedicated, loving, kind man, and she just laughed me off. I haven't nor will I have an affair. I eventually told her that was very unkind of her to say.

When we first got married, I started depositing some money monthly into an account for "emergencies" such as extraordinary expenses, an account that I don't know how to access or stop. When there was definitely a need to get money from that account, she told me she would take care of the extra expense. She told me eventually that money would be for my funeral. I replied respectfully and tactfully that if I were to have taken her money and said that to her for her funeral without telling her, she would be very upset. So, she understood. I said if she had discussed this with me from the very beginning, that I would agree, but she didn't. Nevertheless, I still don't have access to the money, my money.

While she is happier now because she is busier and BTW she complains and even gets sick because of it, we are not happier as a couple. When I have brought up couple counseling, she says she has too many issues of her own and won't consider it.

She does cook for us which she complains about. I help her review her essays that she needs to complete. I pay for a majority of the bills while she takes care of her daughter's apartment costs, because she is going to a university.

So, these are some of the things that have really hurt me over the years, and that's why I distrust her and have PTSD.

How do you manage your distrust and PTSD?

[Simon T.]

While professionally I enjoy everything I am doing, I personally am affected with PTSD from my wife. I act out by eating and drinking the wrong things, but no alcohol or drugs. Just a lot of fast food. Luckily, my health tests are okay, but I could see myself having problems later on possibly. It is my quiet rebellion to my wife who focuses on health so much while avoiding being a couple.

While she seems happier with her times of complaining, her previous statements even with her supposed apology "for everything" make me distrust her and have resulted in me eating and drinking the wrong things.

[Enabler]

Simon T... can you tell me more about the physical sensations and compunctions you have with your PTSD? I often find myself very jumpy and reaching out for things I know I probably don't need. For example, when I'm nervous or sense that something is in the air I clean and tidy stuff. When I worry about stuff say for example my W has gone out for the evening and I'm worried about who she's spending time with, I get hungry and eat rubbish food. When something triggers me, like seeing I have an email from my W (always bad) I get shooting pains down my legs like I've been electrocuted.

What kind of things trigger you into have 'the fear' and how are they expressed.

It's good to make a list of these things such that you can be aware that some irrational (or rational) thing is triggering your body into some kind of reaction... and maybe you can deny that reaction or turn it into something more healthy. You say you eat rubbish food and drink... well talk to yourself when you feel that compunction, get some fruit and eat that instead.

Enabler 

[Simon T.]

Enabler, thank you for sharing what you experience and for your concern about me! I really appreciate it a lot!

The triggers are her bad mood and just being alone. My counselor told me to put an emotional shield when it comes to her bad mood. Sometimes, that works for me, and, sometimes, not. It all depends how much of a bad mood she is in. She gets into her bad moods almost daily due to her work and due to all of the college classes she is taking.

Just being alone when she is not around can also be my trigger. I reflect on the times she said she was my soulmate, how we made to be together, etc. Then, with time and even though I have been consistently loving, kind, and considerate to her, she has become almost a cellmate, instead. Also, she has said some vicious things, such as when I was rear-ended. She was not with me. She told me I must have been in a bad mood. So, in her mind, I caused the other person to rear-end me. Huh? It turns out that she didn't want the other person's insurance to increase. Mind you, I was the one that was hit. I had to go through physical therapy. My car got damaged, but slightly. Both insurance companies interviewed me and the other driver, and the other driver was at fault. I was compensated with some additional money which I used for our bills.

As for eating and drinking things, sometimes, I do eat fruit, because it is tasty and filling. Otherwise, it might be a bagel and a soda. Also, I do get together with much saner people, such as friends. One of my daughters lives in this country, and my other daughter lives in a far away country. So, the one who lives in this country, I see once a year usually.

[AskingWhy]

It is very common for a non living with a pwBPD to have what they call C-PTSD, of complex PTSD.  This is a form of PTSD from living with stress over a long period of time instead of one traumatic incident, which to required for a PTSD diagnosis.

The volatile rages that come out of nowhere, the inconsistencies, and other factors can cause this.

If you are not in therapy, please find a therapist who understands BPD and C-PTSD, and what partners of pwBPD have to tolerate.

[Enabler]

Great you got back to us. I really want to get you to think about the physical clues your body gives you. For one reason or another I am getting lots of very anxious moments recently. Like you my W’s temperament can swing wildly, she is less vocal now and considerably more passive aggressive... which I dunno seems like it’s even more destabilising since she doesn’t tell me what her issue is... maybe because it’s me in entirety!

I get triggered when she walks into a room and I’m the only one there, i get anxious about coming home, I get anxious when I see ANY email come through on my phone until I read it’s not from her. The list is endless. Additional to my previous list is a racing heart.

Here’s the thing... I’m not actually in danger... yes she can cause some painful things to happen but when I rationalise things I have nothing to fear from her. My body is reacting to a perceived potential which doesn’t exist.

Try and understand your W, empathy and sympathy might be some distance off but learning about the thought processes of someone with BPD or BPD traits can help you build and emotional shield against her flaming arrows. Her nasty comments are much more about her than you.

Are you able to call or FaceTime your kids? It’s good to keep these connections. Great you have some friends to have fun with as well. Have you told any of them what you are experiencing? As Askingwhy said, a therapist is a great idea if you can afford it.

Take care and go for water instead of soda. Xx

[Meridius]

her previous statements even with her supposed apology "for everything" make me distrust her and have resulted in me eating and drinking the wrong things.

Hi Simon,

Welcome to the forum.  It's a good place to help make sense of what's happening.

I've only been married for almost 3 years, and in two of and half of that, the BPD traits and her C-PTSD behaviours have added enough stress that I feel I have some form of PTSD as well.  At the very least, I experience an anxiety stress response which has been fairly constant on a day to day basis. 

The anxiety response is a "gut punch" or muscle spasm in my mid abdomen.  It continually  happens when I'm around my BPDw.  If I ask her about doing something together, I'll get one.  If I'm at work and I'm thinking about her, I get one.  Often, they'll just happen when she's around, in another room in the house.  When I'm at work, much less so.

I'm pretty sure it's related to her because she went away to another city to visit family for three days and it was the the calmest three days I've had in a long time.  No gut punches at all.  Within an hour of dropping her off at the airport, the relaxation in my body was so palpable.

Like you said for yourself, I know I'm not in physical danger.  I think my fear is the amount of emotional energy required to walk to handle whatever dysregulation or drama that she might throw my way.  It's consuming and a threat to time and energy other things I find valuable and important, eg. kids, keeping a job

I find exercise helps. It diffuses the strong emotional charge within me.  Even just vigorous air punching, or jumping jacks help reduce the feeling.  But they still keep coming back if I'm in the house.  I read your earlier posts and you said you're very active which sounds great.  Keep it up.

I can understand your triggers on being alone thinking of your soulmate.  It sounds like a grief response.   A slow grieving, as there seem to be times when your BPDw is nice and other when she's not.

It sounds like what you need is more gentleness from her.

[babyducks]

Hi Simon,

Living for a long time with a high level of stress and anxiety has an impact.     that's a very normal response to being exposed to chaotic conditions where you have very little ability to escape the stress.   

AskingWhy raised a good point about C-PTSD.   Have you looked into that at all?

Like Meridius I find exercise helpful in dealing with my stress reactions.   I don't have to train for a marathon, just a gentle walk in the park helps me dump stress.   

Posting here can be another way to help reduce stress.    Sharing our experiences with other people who get it helps us feel less alone.     what does your self care routine look like right now?    can you describe it a little bit?

'ducks

[Trobert]

Meridius, you've got that right. It is a slow kind of grieving that never seems to stop. Mixed in with the grief like any person who grieves is anger, but I repress it by keeping myself busy. Also, like you said, more gentleness is warranted, like it was before. Evidently, it was a big con, a convincing con, until she got her way.

To make matters worse, she has worked with a "medium-counselor" who has been both good and bad for my wife. Good, because she is feeling happier and returned to school for a new career. Bad, because she is feeling her oats so much, that everyone who doesn't believe in her way deserves to be discarded or at least disrespected. Yeah, I have been disrespected by her manipulation and her emotional abuse.

Self-care for me right now has been the following: exercising, teaching, tutoring, visiting friends and relatives, and writing books. So, all of this has been very helpful to fill in the void.