Confused by this new behaviour

[Carguy]

Hey everyone, thank you for all the help in the past. So a background. My ex BPD and I have been dating for four years and have been off and on for the last Two and a half years.

 Last July she decided she wanted to see someone else. We did not talk for 6 weeks and when I initiated contact again I found out it didn't work out with this guy. It didn't even get off the ground as the guy was not ready to be in a relationship with her.

We started being friends again and it started developing into more once again. A few months later she began pushing me away again had told me that we were just friends. Eventually another woman started talking to me that knew me from years ago when we were teenagers. At first I was not sure about even talking to the lady as I still have feelings for my ex. The next day I talked to my ex and ask her where we were at. Each question I asked was followed by a pause for a minute as she thought about things. She told me that we were just friends, that she wanted limited contact with me, that she did not know if there was a future for us, and when I asked if we were dating other people she told me to go live my life.

 I was still hesitant but started talking to this other lady and we went out to dinner for Thanksgiving and ran into my ex. Afterward my ex was very angry towards me.

The relationship with this other lady only lasted a couple of weeks as she decided to go back to her ex-boyfriend.

I have tried to talk to my ex and still be there for her and sometimes she is okay and even had me watch for kids one time and other times becomes very cold and angry. When we talked about things she said that she is upset about our entire past but when the subject of this girl came up she got really angry and said she didn't even know why she was so angry because she told me to go live my life. When we actually talked about it a while back she even came right out and asked me if I got this other girl pregnant because when we went to a palm reader and he said I would have another little girl. I was blindsided by that!

She has asked me to stay away and I have been keeping my distance. A few weeks ago I left some stuff of hers on her doorstep and text her that I had. She said thanks. I told her that through Reading I believe about me coming around hurts her and I would keep my distance. I told her that if she ever got the point she wanted to talk that I would like that and that maybe it would help her heal. She text me back and told me thanks for respecting her wishes and that it does hurt her. She said she would love to heal. She also said okay to talking. I text her back and told her I wanted it to be when she was ready and did not want to rush her. I told her that I wanted her to heal. That was two weeks ago.

Recently I ran into her a couple of times in the grocery store and just nodded and said hey. She just looks away and keeps walking like I'm not there. That is a first.
A couple of days ago I text her and told her I know she wanted me to stay away so I have out of respect for her but that I do still care about her and I am there for her. I told her she did not have to respond to that text. She did not which I expected.

Yesterday I text her and told her that I knew she wanted me to stay away but asked if it would be okay if I sent her an open-hearted text about things and that maybe it would help her heal. In the past when she was angry, if it was not okay for me to text her she would send me an angry text telling me not to text her unless it was concerning her vehicles on my property or other things like that. This time she did not respond at all which is a first. I know she received the text because on my end it said it was read.

At this point I'm not sure what is going on. Should I just start ignoring her in the store and not bother anymore? What was confusing is she told me to stay away and then a week later asked if it was okay for her vehicle to remain in my house. She was feeling me out to see where I was at emotionally. I told her it was fine. A few days later she asked me to babysit her kids and I did. I thought things were going better and it was okay to talk to her. When I stopped a time it two to say hi to her I work while I was shopping she started getting angry telling me I was not respecting her boundaries to stay away. To me I was getting very mixed signals. I'm a little confused on what the best thing to do is here.

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[Narza]

Hi Carguy.  Welcome back to the forum.

Pretty new here myself, so take what you want from me with a pinch of salt.  Done a lot of research, but not exactly well versed in said research as i am too trying to get my ex back.

Anyway, what i dont understand is why you have messaged her so many times saying almost the same thing over and over again.  I know you want to message her and be the "nice guy" in your texts but to me, it seems as though you have been painted black right now during the split.  The more you text her (i know you want to keep texting to get some kind of response) the more you are only going to paint yourself black in her eyes. 

Personally i think you are doing more harm than good by constantly contacting her every week or so, and the fact she didnt reply and you messaged again she will most likely be wondering why are you not getting it?

I would imagine once you stop contacting her she will start to paint you white again, then will need to check in to see what your own emotional state is in.

Like i said, take my advice with a pinch of salt as i am very new here.

Keep us updated

[Ozzie101]

It can be very confusing when there are mixed signals (or you feel like there are), I know. You don't know whether she actually wants you around or doesn't. She may not know herself. Or it changes day to day (or minute to minute). It's all part of the push-pull dynamic so common in BPD.

Honestly, as Narza suggests, I would have texted once and then stopped. No dropping by her work place. No further texting. You can nod and say "Hi" in the store. That's just common courtesy and good manners. But otherwise, I'd drop it. If she wants to reach out to you, she can.

Reaching out to her multiple times when she's not responding is a normal impulse (you want a response from her, right?) but it's likely to push her even further away and make her feel overwhelmed and engulfed.

The best path to take is respecting her stated wish for distance.

And, in the meantime, take care of yourself. Do things you enjoy.

[Carguy]

I feel that maybe I should clarify a little bit as my last message might have been a little confusing. She works at Walmart and we live in a rural community with only two grocery stores, Walmart being one of them. Most people shop there including me and have for years. When I would stop by to see her was when I would be shopping. I would go over to her department to say hi. I feel that lately I should probably just steer completely clear up her Department while she is at work.

As far as the texting, I have tried not to text a whole lot. After Thanksgiving I stopped by her Department to see if she was okay. She got angry and said she didn't want to talk about it so I left. I was mostly keeping my distance. She came over a few weeks later to move her truck as I requested that is on my property and I asked if we could talk. That is when we talked and she said she was angry about everything but then became really angry when I asked if it was about the other girl.

Afterwards she stopped by my ex-wife's place to deliver a late birthday present to my son. I thought that was nice of her so for Christmas my son and I got her and her two kids Christmas presents and I asked her in Walmart if I could drop them off and she said yes and it was very thoughtful. When I met her the next day to drop them off she was Smiley and sweet and a little playful.

 a few days later as I was walking into Walmart her and her co-worker friend were standing over by the front door so I stopped and visited and she commented on my new hoodie I bought. She was looking at the back of it I thought you was done and I went to turn around and she said no she wasn't done. I turned back and a minute later went to turn around and again she said she wasn't done. This happened a few times and I could tell she was playing so playfully I put my finger on my head and did a little twirl and she reached up and tapped my forehead like we used to always do Playfully when we were together. After that her and I and her co-worker all chatted as we walked towards the back of the store so they could go back to work. I stayed and chatted for a little bit more and three or four times when I was getting ready to leave I told her I better go she would bring up something else. It seemed like she was trying to keep me there engaged in the conversation. I warned her that it was icy outside and be careful on her way home and she told me I should have told her that that morning. I wasn't even aware we were talking until that night. I also asked her if she want to hang out New Year's Eve and she said she would think about it.

 At my job one of my many things I do is drive our company tow truck. I told her to be careful because I did not want to have to come tow her. I told her with how bad the roads are I will probably be called out on a tow. Sure enough on my way home they called me.

I sent her a text saying I was right about being called out and 3 hours later she responded quite angry that she was still hurt by everything and that she was not coming over New Year's Eve and told me to just stay away. She has asked me for space in the past but this was the first time she told me to just stay away. That hurt so I did not text anymore and stayed away.

5 days later (January 2nd) she text me wondering if it was still okay that her old trucks are there on my property and still okay with trading the car she bought from my family's estate to me for keeping her Vehicles since she has nowhere to put them. She also said she need to pick up the dirt bike. I told her that was fine and she can pick up her dirt bike whenever she wanted. She said  with the way our communication is now that  she thought things could change. She has a small SUV I offered to load it in my truck and drop it off to her apartment since it was on my way to work. She said that would be great. Since I was helping her last summer get it going I told her I would also finish putting it together if she wanted so she didn't have to worry about it (only took 10 minutes). She said that would be great as well (during our relationship  she was always paranoid about letting me work on her stuff without her being right there even though she knows nothing about that stuff so I found it interesting she trusted me here).

I didn't text her anymore after that and 3 days later (Jan 5th)  she text me and asked if I could watch her kids cuz she had to work and could not find somebody to watch them. I said I would and I picked them up.

After that I stopped by to say hi to her twice in Walmart and once I pulled into her apartment (was on my way back to work from lunch) to check on her because I seen her out there with her vehicle hood open. The first time at Walmart she seemed a little annoyed but I just told her I want to make sure she's doing okay and I didn't want to bother her too much at work and left. When I stopped To see about her vehicle she was actually nice and asked me if I could help her get the oil cap off so I helped her check the fluids. I showed her something funny on my phone and she laughed. Things seemed good. When I went to leave to go back to work she kind of stood there looking at me funny and I got the feeling she was wanting or expecting something from me.

 a few days later I seen her in Walmart again and that is when she got angry at me and told me I was not respecting her boundaries about staying away. I told her I was sorry and that I would and left feeling confused.

A few days later I left belongings I had of hers on her step and sent her the text that I left them there. She said thanks. I responded and told her that I have learned through reading that me coming around was likely hurting her and I would stay away. In that same text I told her that if she ever got to a point she was ready to talk I would like that and that maybe talking would help her heal. She text back and said it does hurt her, that she would love to heal, thanked me for respecting her wishes and okay on talking. I text her back and said I was sorry for the hurt and I wanted her to heal and I want her to be ready to talk and don't want to push her if she's not ready. I did not text her for another week and a half but seen her in Wal-Mart twice (just shopping and staying away from her department) and just nodded and said hey only to be ignored. The day before yesterday is when I text her and told her that I still care about her and was still there for her and she didn't have to respond. Yesterday I text her to ask if I could send over a heartfelt text about things and that maybe it would help her heal and she did not respond to either of them. Maybe I am texting too much?

[Ozzie101]

It does sound like there have been mixed signals and I don't blame you for being confused.

But, yes, I think you need to stop the texting (and stopping by her department). Her silence is an answer in and of itself.

You've let her know the door is open. Leave it at that. Let her come to you if and when she's ready. The continued texting is more likely to maker her pull further away.

And, as I said, in the meantime, take care of you!

[Carguy]

I think you're right. As much as I miss her I need to stay away altogether. She did make a comment the last time I talked to her while she was at work that when I come around it pushes her further away.

After her not responding I felt dumb for even texting and thought maybe I should just go no contact for awhile and work on my stuff.

It was also pointed out on here awhile back that I should be gracious but letting her keep her vehicles on my property indefinitely, fixing and delivering her dirt bike, and watching her kids that not saying it was her intention but I was setting myself up to be used. I thought about this and think if she asks for another favour like watching her kids so she can go to work that maybe I should just tell her "No I can't. Sorry." Not offer a reason but just simply say that. Even though it will be hard for me to say no.

Does that sound reasonable? I told her I would be there for her and hate not helping her out if she needs it but where we are at at this point I don't know if doing favours is good. Also I struggle with boundaries and need to work on them.

[Ozzie101]

Boundaries would be a good thing to work on. It's something most of us can benefit from -- me included.

This is something only you can decide, but if she doesn't want contact, then you have to ask yourself: if she doesn't want the other parts of a relationship, if she blows me off in all personal ways, but still wants favors -- is that right? Is it OK? What would you think about or say to a friend in the same situation? Sounds like you've decided it's not OK and, as a bystander, I'd agree.

Refusing her requests is, I would think, a good way to enforce that boundary. Not in a mean way. Do it with some empathy. If she is aware that she's using you, then you're cutting it off. If she's doing it without awareness, then maybe it nudges her along on the "This isn't how you treat people" path. Who knows. Either way, though, you stand to benefit.

[Carguy]

When she told me to leave her alone on December 27th and then January 5th she asked me to watch her kids I found it rather surprising but did it because I wanted to help her and it gave me hope that maybe she thought about it and thought she was being too harsh. I was wrong. I guess really it gave me some hope and then that Hope was crushed (to me at least).

I don't want to be mean about it and push her further away. I feel it's not quite right to tell me to stay away and treat me so coldly and then ask for favours. Maybe it will wake her up if I'm not there to jump when she wants.

Honestly this is the worst it has been between us and I'm not even sure if she will contact me again. In the past most of the time it is I that initiates contact.

For now I am just trying to control my emotions of missing her and staying away as hard as it is.