How to stop obsessing?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Dear readers,

I wanted to keep this short but.. I need to get this out. And hopefully connect with people that understand. If you don't want to read the whole thing. It's basically asking if anyone recognizes a lasting obsession/limerence about an ex, even long after you broke up. Is there anything I can do except wait for more time to pass?



Last year I was discarded after a relationship that only lasted half a year. My ex has sexual trauma (she was molested by her brother). Her parents have a sh*tty loveless relationship.

How it ended: she cheated on me. I got angry. This awakened her trauma. She blamed me. I lost all my self worth because I was the one to apologize after she cheated. She forgave me. Few days later she was mad again. She devalued me saying many nasty things. She let me on for a while and then dumped me. I tried everything I could to get her back. Now she is with the other guy (at least she was when I last saw her..).

At the beginning I was lovebombed/mirrored. She appeared to be everything I ever wanted. I told her it felt like coming home and asked her where she had been all my life. She said the same things. We made lots of love. Went on trips together. All the good stuff. After the whole cheating/devaluation I couldn't make sense of it at all. I am very scientifically minded but was so incredibly confused that I started obsessing about things like soul mates and twin flames.

Me and my ex are part of the same mountaineering club so I couldn't completely avoid her. Sometimes I tried to talk to her about it. She would say that I acted as if she was nothing more than her trauma and would mostly get angry and follow up with weeks or months of silent treatment. I finally send her an e-mail that I didn't want any contact anymore unless she would get help/take responsibility (because sometimes she would suddenly chat with me out of the blue). She ignored it. Then she went to a party with her new boyfriend - a party which I also attended (it was the guy she cheated on me with). We had some very angry texts back and forth after that party. I tried to steer the conversation to some sort of closure/forgiveness. It was hard but we sorta got there. 

Anyway. I found out she hit a very deep wound in me - a fear of abandonment. My father passed away when I was young (I learned this when I was at my wits end and decided to book an ayahuasca-session: I went there to get some answers and relived the passing of my dad).
After this I decided I should maybe talk to a professional. A therapist is helping me now. I avoid walking into my ex by only going to the club at certain days when I know she won't be there.

Anyway.. It's been more than a year. I have had massive ups and downs. I went from obsessing about buddhism, to obsessing about twin flames, to obsessing about narcissism, and then found out about bpd. I traveled, I worked, I volunteered, I meditated, I tried new hobbies, made new friends, did new sports... Kissed/cuddled with some other girls. Posted stuff on forums, watched hundreds of youtube videos about breakups/personality disorders/cheating etc. All the stuff that normally helps but nothing worked to get my mind off of this.

It feels like I'm doing slightly better but progress is immensely slow. One of my new friends that I've only known for a short while suddenly approached me that this girl from the club seemed really romantically interested in him. Then he showed me his phone; it was my ex.. I explained to him what happened to me and her - and that she is still probably in a relationship. That sorta sh*t really messes me up. It feels like I'm falling back to square one. Obsessing all over again. Sometimes even after all this still fantasizing that she will realize all her wrongdoing and come back... (Quite ridiculous really - I don't even know who she is anymore). Anyway my mind immediatly starts wondering if she and the other guy broke up/if she is cheating again/if my new friend just misinterpreted...)

Do others recognize this; a lasting obsession? I start to feel so stupid because it has been far longer than the relationship even lasted. If I rationally think about it I don't want to have anything to do with her ever again. I try to take her out of the equation and just focus on my own healing/properly dealing with my dad's passing/anxieties etc. I am hesitant to leave the mountaineering club because that has been my home and family for the past 5 years. It's my entire social network in this city. I have been on the board of the club and organized so many activities and trips with people there.

 
 

[Formanian]

Dear readers,

I wanted to keep this short but.. I need to get this out. And hopefully connect with people that understand. If you don't want to read the whole thing. It's basically asking if anyone recognizes a lasting obsession/limerence about an ex, even long after you broke up. Is there anything I can do except wait for more time to pass?



Last year I was discarded after a relationship that only lasted half a year. My ex has sexual trauma (she was molested by her brother). Her parents have a sh*tty loveless relationship.

How it ended: she cheated on me. I got angry. This awakened her trauma. She blamed me. I lost all my self worth because I was the one to apologize after she cheated. She forgave me. Few days later she was mad again. She devalued me saying many nasty things. She let me on for a while and then dumped me. I tried everything I could to get her back. Now she is with the other guy (at least she was when I last saw her..).

At the beginning I was lovebombed/mirrored. She appeared to be everything I ever wanted. I told her it felt like coming home and asked her where she had been all my life. She said the same things. We made lots of love. Went on trips together. All the good stuff. After the whole cheating/devaluation I couldn't make sense of it at all. I am very scientifically minded but was so incredibly confused that I started obsessing about things like soul mates and twin flames.

Me and my ex are part of the same mountaineering club so I couldn't completely avoid her. Sometimes I tried to talk to her about it. She would say that I acted as if she was nothing more than her trauma and would mostly get angry and follow up with weeks or months of silent treatment. I finally send her an e-mail that I didn't want any contact anymore unless she would get help/take responsibility (because sometimes she would suddenly chat with me out of the blue). She ignored it. Then she went to a party with her new boyfriend - a party which I also attended (it was the guy she cheated on me with). We had some very angry texts back and forth after that party. I tried to steer the conversation to some sort of closure/forgiveness. It was hard but we sorta got there. 

Anyway. I found out she hit a very deep wound in me - a fear of abandonment. My father passed away when I was young (I learned this when I was at my wits end and decided to book an ayahuasca-session: I went there to get some answers and relived the passing of my dad).
After this I decided I should maybe talk to a professional. A therapist is helping me now. I avoid walking into my ex by only going to the club at certain days when I know she won't be there.

Anyway.. It's been more than a year. I have had massive ups and downs. I went from obsessing about buddhism, to obsessing about twin flames, to obsessing about narcissism, and then found out about bpd. I traveled, I worked, I volunteered, I meditated, I tried new hobbies, made new friends, did new sports... Kissed/cuddled with some other girls. Posted stuff on forums, watched hundreds of youtube videos about breakups/personality disorders/cheating etc. All the stuff that normally helps but nothing worked to get my mind off of this.

It feels like I'm doing slightly better but progress is immensely slow. One of my new friends that I've only known for a short while suddenly approached me that this girl from the club seemed really romantically interested in him. Then he showed me his phone; it was my ex.. I explained to him what happened to me and her - and that she is still probably in a relationship. That sorta sh*t really messes me up. It feels like I'm falling back to square one. Obsessing all over again. Sometimes even after all this still fantasizing that she will realize all her wrongdoing and come back... (Quite ridiculous really - I don't even know who she is anymore). Anyway my mind immediatly starts wondering if she and the other guy broke up/if she is cheating again/if my new friend just misinterpreted...)

Do others recognize this; a lasting obsession? I start to feel so stupid because it has been far longer than the relationship even lasted. If I rationally think about it I don't want to have anything to do with her ever again. I try to take her out of the equation and just focus on my own healing/properly dealing with my dad's passing/anxieties etc. I am hesitant to leave the mountaineering club because that has been my home and family for the past 5 years. It's my entire social network in this city. I have been on the board of the club and organized so many activities and trips with people there.

 
 

[SadtimesAZ]

DeMars coaching has a lot of videos about after the discard. Go check him out on YouTube.

[SinisterComplex]

Dear readers,

I wanted to keep this short but.. I need to get this out. And hopefully connect with people that understand. If you don't want to read the whole thing. It's basically asking if anyone recognizes a lasting obsession/limerence about an ex, even long after you broke up. Is there anything I can do except wait for more time to pass?



Last year I was discarded after a relationship that only lasted half a year. My ex has sexual trauma (she was molested by her brother). Her parents have a sh*tty loveless relationship.

How it ended: she cheated on me. I got angry. This awakened her trauma. She blamed me. I lost all my self worth because I was the one to apologize after she cheated. She forgave me. Few days later she was mad again. She devalued me saying many nasty things. She let me on for a while and then dumped me. I tried everything I could to get her back. Now she is with the other guy (at least she was when I last saw her..).

At the beginning I was lovebombed/mirrored. She appeared to be everything I ever wanted. I told her it felt like coming home and asked her where she had been all my life. She said the same things. We made lots of love. Went on trips together. All the good stuff. After the whole cheating/devaluation I couldn't make sense of it at all. I am very scientifically minded but was so incredibly confused that I started obsessing about things like soul mates and twin flames.

Me and my ex are part of the same mountaineering club so I couldn't completely avoid her. Sometimes I tried to talk to her about it. She would say that I acted as if she was nothing more than her trauma and would mostly get angry and follow up with weeks or months of silent treatment. I finally send her an e-mail that I didn't want any contact anymore unless she would get help/take responsibility (because sometimes she would suddenly chat with me out of the blue). She ignored it. Then she went to a party with her new boyfriend - a party which I also attended (it was the guy she cheated on me with). We had some very angry texts back and forth after that party. I tried to steer the conversation to some sort of closure/forgiveness. It was hard but we sorta got there. 

Anyway. I found out she hit a very deep wound in me - a fear of abandonment. My father passed away when I was young (I learned this when I was at my wits end and decided to book an ayahuasca-session: I went there to get some answers and relived the passing of my dad).
After this I decided I should maybe talk to a professional. A therapist is helping me now. I avoid walking into my ex by only going to the club at certain days when I know she won't be there.

Anyway.. It's been more than a year. I have had massive ups and downs. I went from obsessing about buddhism, to obsessing about twin flames, to obsessing about narcissism, and then found out about bpd. I traveled, I worked, I volunteered, I meditated, I tried new hobbies, made new friends, did new sports... Kissed/cuddled with some other girls. Posted stuff on forums, watched hundreds of youtube videos about breakups/personality disorders/cheating etc. All the stuff that normally helps but nothing worked to get my mind off of this.

It feels like I'm doing slightly better but progress is immensely slow. One of my new friends that I've only known for a short while suddenly approached me that this girl from the club seemed really romantically interested in him. Then he showed me his phone; it was my ex.. I explained to him what happened to me and her - and that she is still probably in a relationship. That sorta sh*t really messes me up. It feels like I'm falling back to square one. Obsessing all over again. Sometimes even after all this still fantasizing that she will realize all her wrongdoing and come back... (Quite ridiculous really - I don't even know who she is anymore). Anyway my mind immediatly starts wondering if she and the other guy broke up/if she is cheating again/if my new friend just misinterpreted...)

Do others recognize this; a lasting obsession? I start to feel so stupid because it has been far longer than the relationship even lasted. If I rationally think about it I don't want to have anything to do with her ever again. I try to take her out of the equation and just focus on my own healing/properly dealing with my dad's passing/anxieties etc. I am hesitant to leave the mountaineering club because that has been my home and family for the past 5 years. It's my entire social network in this city. I have been on the board of the club and organized so many activities and trips with people there.

 
 

I will revisit your thread later and respond more in depth at that time, but please do yourself a favor...do not apologize for writing too much or sharing too much. As you said...you need to get this out. Do not stifle yourself. Let it flow and you will get more help from this board. I will read the whole thing. This is not a board where people are going to be impatient with you. This is a resource to help you so be free with it and allow yourself to get your thoughts out and to heal. I will reply back later on...because I care and will provide any help or feedback that I can at that time.

Cheers and best wishes to you!

-SC-

[SinisterComplex]

Ok, so for what its worth...its not a lasting obsession. Part of the reason it hurts so bad is that your feelings were and are real. However, on the other side it was an act. This is why it stings and hangs on you so bad...your ego cannot accept it. Now when I say your ego I am not singling you out...this goes for everyone. Your mind cannot comprehend the atrocities. Your mind is still trying to make sense of something that doesn't make any sense. Its ok. You are not behind the 8 ball. You are still healing. Your feelings were intense. So when the feelings are that intense on the positive side what do you think happens on the negative side? My point is...don't beat yourself up.

This is still normal. Everyone has their own process and some take longer than others. It just is what it is. So to answer your question which you kind of answered yourself...yes just wait for more time to pass. However, a suggestion...quit trying to be so scientific about it. You cannot make logical sense out of this complicated disorder. There are so many issues that could be at play.. An attachment issue, PTSD, Fear of Intimacy, etc. You just have to feel and let yourself process it. Hell it may still bother you from time to time moving forward...that is ok, but don't let it control you. Just monitor where you are at. There is no one size fits all. You will find your own way and do it in your own timeline.

Be kind to yourself. Continue to vent if necessary. I for one will pay attention and listen. Going through this sucks...there is no sugarcoating it.

Now keep in mind...if you decide to continue to vent and if I am sensing it necessary I will provide you a swift kick in the $$. The time to truly take back your life is now (mentally). As I mention to everyone I help here on this board...please focus on coming from a place of power. Think abundance. No more thinking from a place of weakness, desperation, or scarcity. Want Better, Expect Better, Do Better! No one controls you but YOU.

Cheers and best wishes to you!

-SC-